I’ve been caring for my mom for 8 years. My mom had two massive strokes when I was 39. I took care of her and my dad, in 2016 my dad passed away and I moved my mom in with me. I had to quit my job because she requires 24 hour care and can never be left alone. My whole life stopped 8 years ago. I have to plan in advance just to run to the grocery store. I don’t want to do this anymore but I just can’t put her in a nursing home. My mom is 78 and honestly I didn’t think she would live long after my dad passed. It’s been almost 4 years since he passed and other than her condition from the strokes she’s not in bad health. I can’t imagine doing this another 8 years.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I might see a counselor to discuss your feelings. It sounds like you have sacrificed your life for many years to care for an ailing parent, yet you feel very bad about it. I’d try to seek ways to view things in a more objective manner and come to terms with assuming a more reasonable role as her daughter and not 24/7 caregiver, which is what you state you want to do. Do you know why you feel unable to seek a different option for her? It might be helpful to arrange some respite time so you can get some sleep and rest. Perhaps, with a few days or week of respite, you will be rested and better able to consider options and also experience the personal time that everyone needs.
Helpful Answer (0)


Don't go down that path.
Helpful Answer (1)

You have way too much on your plate. Raising 3 children is difficult at best.

It sounds like you are suffering from "False Guilt" you have done nothing wrong, yet you perceive that you have or will. Guilt is a self imposed emotion that serves no purpose, all it does is keep one stuck, thereby allowing one to NOT make a decision, guilt and avoidance go hand n' hand.

AL, IMO is the only option, you are still caring for her, just not sitting in a front row seat. You do understand that your mother could live for another 15 years or so. My mother is 94, and I see her hanging on a bit longer.

Sit back and rethink all of this, you are caring for 3 children who have their entire life ahead of them, and already are struggling internally due to the choices of their parents, children carry their childhood into adulthood, do everything that you can to set the right stage for them. Your mother has already lived most of hers, might be time for you to start living yours.

Sending support your way.
Helpful Answer (3)

You need backup... If you do not have any family members, perhaps a church member can help out one hour a week? Or perhaps put her in adult daycare?

Thinking a lil bit...You did say massive strokes, so I take it she cannot walk.. My brother's friend has a wife who cannot walk... It's sad.
Wheel chair access taxi cabs in your area? Perhaps you can take her to adult day care if there is one, for a couple hours one or two days?
Helpful Answer (2)

start looking for a 6 pack near you, 6 residents and 2 caretakers in a private homelike environment.

Anyway, if you move mom, make sure she is in a short distance from you, if you, her insurance, etc, and do it.

It is hard, very hard... can she walk at all? If she can, that would benefit her, if you can take her to the store... I used to walk mom, I would make her take the grocery cart handle, and have her hang on, and I would hang on too, with an arm overlapping hers, to help steer the cart and make sure she wasn't going to fall. I talked to her the whole time... God, I miss those days..
If she requirews 24 hour care, can you ask her to be evaluated for palliative or hospice care? Hospice could come in, and you could plan on going to store.
Helpful Answer (1)

Those are normal honest feelings. U may need to place her and visit daily at let ur other time be urs♥️
U deserve a life and if ur mom has her mind she should understand.
Do not beat u self for having a normal reaction to being a 24 hour caretaker with no real support
Helpful Answer (4)

Once you realize you can't live this way any longer you will have to change the situation. And from what you say it might be now. Start looking for options: home care or assisted living for your mom, sitter for the children after school. Go back to work. You will still have plenty of care giving to do even with any help you find, but to have peers at work to talk to and other activities that interest you will brighten your life. Then you will be a better care giver by taking care of yourself.
Helpful Answer (5)

You have done a great deal. No need for guilt about wanting a life.

You can have a professional caregiver helping your mom, so she can be at home.

Or mom can go to Assisted living. There are some nice ones with activities, and good care etc.
Its a difficult decision, but like you said, you don't want to do this anymore. The only one that can change that is you. You need to create the life you want. When you start the ball rolling, things will come into place. You might have setbacks, but keep going.
Helpful Answer (3)

Another 8 years? She could live alot longer than that. What will you do if she lives another 20 years, from a financial and social standpoint? Place her in a facility and retake your life.
Helpful Answer (7)

Thank you, I’ve tried to tell myself to put her in a nursing home but I just feel to guilty. I know if I’m going to continue to do what I’m doing then I should just shut up. I think it’s more of a venting thing for me because I don’t have anyone I can’t vent to. On top of caring for my mom my daughter got into trouble and I’m raising my three young grandsons too. I’m just so overwhelmed and depressed that I just want to talk to someone. I raised my three children alone, I don’t want to raise three more again. It sounds so terrible when I actually say it. There dad isn’t in the picture either so I don’t get breaks with them either, other than school. I feel so selfish and guilty for just wanting a life. I envy normality, I just want to be able to get in my car when I want and just drive. I can’t go anywhere or do anything. I sit in a house all the time and it’s just caught up with me. Life is not enjoyable for me at all. I get up looking forward to going to bed. It’s terrible I know. I can’t even enjoy my grandchildren because honestly I’m angry that I have to raise them too. God I must sound like a monster.
Helpful Answer (3)
dlpandjep Feb 2020
No, you're not a monster.  Truth is, you're too kind and your love for others outweighs your own hunger for life - you are precious.  The Bible says, "Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."  That's what you're doing, you know.  You're giving your life for them.  I would imagine that you're taking very good care of them too.  Fact is, you are emotionally exhausted and deep inside, you know this isn't right.  You deserve to live and enjoy life too.  You have to make a choice:  to continue on as a caregiver and resolve to be content - or seek counsel from others who can guide you into thoughtful, lifechanging decisions to help you get YOUR life back.  PLEASE listen to the advice you receive here and consider your options.  Your Mother could live another 15 years - not to mention the grandchildren.  You are at wits end now.  Do you really think you can endure this for another 10 or 15 years?  Oh Burnout!  My heart goes out to you.  I could've written your post.  I pray that you save yourself.  You are a special person and you are loved.  I wish I could reach out and hug you. 💙
See 2 more replies
Why 'can't' you place your mom in a nursing home or Assisted Living facility? Guilt is a self imposed emotion of no value. Remind yourself of that fact when it starts creeping in, and also remind yourself that you've done ENOUGH after 8 years of 24/7 care giving! Your mother is 78 years old and can live another 20 years! My mother is 93 and going strong, in spite of having a TON of medical conditions including stroke, dementia, CHF, AFIB, high blood pressure............shall I go on? My father died 5 years ago and she's never been happier, frankly. She lives in Assisted Living, however, so I still work and have my own life, husband, home, etc. I have to, because I have my own retirement to save for and to think about. What about yours?

Unless you'd like to spend who knows how much longer doing 24/7 care giving, put aside your unfounded guilt and look into nursing homes or Assisted Living homes in your area. Find one that YOU like and feel comfortable with, and then see about placing her there. My mother's AL is wonderful (privately owned) and the staff is excellent; they treat her like a queen.

Otherwise, your default future looks like your life has looked for the past 8 years.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward & making some tough decisions.
Helpful Answer (8)

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter