I’ve been caring for my mom for 8 years. My mom had two massive strokes when I was 39. I took care of her and my dad, in 2016 my dad passed away and I moved my mom in with me. I had to quit my job because she requires 24 hour care and can never be left alone. My whole life stopped 8 years ago. I have to plan in advance just to run to the grocery store. I don’t want to do this anymore but I just can’t put her in a nursing home. My mom is 78 and honestly I didn’t think she would live long after my dad passed. It’s been almost 4 years since he passed and other than her condition from the strokes she’s not in bad health. I can’t imagine doing this another 8 years.
Don't go down that path.
It sounds like you are suffering from "False Guilt" you have done nothing wrong, yet you perceive that you have or will. Guilt is a self imposed emotion that serves no purpose, all it does is keep one stuck, thereby allowing one to NOT make a decision, guilt and avoidance go hand n' hand.
AL, IMO is the only option, you are still caring for her, just not sitting in a front row seat. You do understand that your mother could live for another 15 years or so. My mother is 94, and I see her hanging on a bit longer.
Sit back and rethink all of this, you are caring for 3 children who have their entire life ahead of them, and already are struggling internally due to the choices of their parents, children carry their childhood into adulthood, do everything that you can to set the right stage for them. Your mother has already lived most of hers, might be time for you to start living yours.
Sending support your way.
Thinking a lil bit...You did say massive strokes, so I take it she cannot walk.. My brother's friend has a wife who cannot walk... It's sad.
Wheel chair access taxi cabs in your area? Perhaps you can take her to adult day care if there is one, for a couple hours one or two days?
Anyway, if you move mom, make sure she is in a short distance from you, if you, her insurance, etc, and do it.
It is hard, very hard... can she walk at all? If she can, that would benefit her, if you can take her to the store... I used to walk mom, I would make her take the grocery cart handle, and have her hang on, and I would hang on too, with an arm overlapping hers, to help steer the cart and make sure she wasn't going to fall. I talked to her the whole time... God, I miss those days..
If she requirews 24 hour care, can you ask her to be evaluated for palliative or hospice care? Hospice could come in, and you could plan on going to store.
U deserve a life and if ur mom has her mind she should understand.
Do not beat u self for having a normal reaction to being a 24 hour caretaker with no real support
You can have a professional caregiver helping your mom, so she can be at home.
Or mom can go to Assisted living. There are some nice ones with activities, and good care etc.
Its a difficult decision, but like you said, you don't want to do this anymore. The only one that can change that is you. You need to create the life you want. When you start the ball rolling, things will come into place. You might have setbacks, but keep going.
Unless you'd like to spend who knows how much longer doing 24/7 care giving, put aside your unfounded guilt and look into nursing homes or Assisted Living homes in your area. Find one that YOU like and feel comfortable with, and then see about placing her there. My mother's AL is wonderful (privately owned) and the staff is excellent; they treat her like a queen.
Otherwise, your default future looks like your life has looked for the past 8 years.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward & making some tough decisions.