I am primary caregiver to my ex-wife. We have been together for roughly 35 years however we divorced in 2004 primarily because we grew apart. Her brothers (2) and sister (1), and her children 2 boys and 1 daughter all live at a great distance, except for her daughter who lives with us, I came back into her life probably 15 years ago. My ex is 78 Years old, I am 73 years old. I am in relative good health. My girl not so much.
So here we are when I started to notice a change perhaps 8 years ago, it started out with late payments on bills where there was no need to see these late payments. Then it was taking an hr. in preparing a simple breakfast sandwich. I was starting to take notice, but not saying anything.
I took over the bill paying, and the cooking. I'm quite good at these things.
Now my point. We would often travel to Missouri to visit her brothers and sister, I got along well with each and everyone of them they were my friends and family. It felt good. There was nothing we wouldn't do for one another.
Enter my Step Daughter 50 years old, who lives in the house with my ex and myself. She does not work, has only had 2 jobs in her life and is of little or no help with her mother, who she despises. My ex invited her into this house on the pretext of only until she gets on her feet. Well that was 12 years ago. Her two boys (which are now men) live in a western state 1,200 miles from here.
My heartache and abandonment:
Her two brothers and her sister, have stopped texting or calling, and its clear they don't want anything more to do with me or their sister. When I text or call, the calls are going unanswered as are the text. My ex is always wanting to "Go See" her family, and I told her yes we will go soon. When I approached her family with this proposal that is when the communication stopped. Immediately. My ex suffers from Lewy-body Dementia, late stage and is immobile and soon to pass. The two boys out west, have not called or been in contact with their mother since Oct. 2021. No Calls, No Flowers. Now here it is Easter, and Mothers Day is right around the corner.
I am so lost and heartbroken and filled with despair to the obvious abandonment by the entire family that I held in the highest esteem, as I continue to pine for. In my hour of need I need some type of closure some type of answer as to why. I am facing this tragic situation. Yeah I get it, their Mom, and Sister has late stage Dementia and they probably don't want to deal with it. Neither do I but I am, its like I'm the only adult in the room. I'm more heartbroken and destroyed inside at the total abandonment of her family than I am angry.
Do not expect or ask others to step up as you have. They are very likely relieved that you are there for her. Family is going to avoid you if you have any expectations for them. They are not coming to help you or her, and do not need a reason.
Make realistic plans for your future, so that you will not have regrets devoting the rest of your life to your ex-wife. She was an ex for a reason?
Still, thank you for stepping up, because the very ill should not be punished for being sick.
People may suggest that you find placement for her in a facility, so that you can get on with your own life. There is no debt that you can repay by becoming a martyr. Do this only until you are able and willing, otherwise you are doing a disservice even to her.
There will come a time when her care needs are greater than you can provide,
24/7 is unrealistic for one person.
P.S.
The daughter living with her (and you), despises her. Why would you allow anyone despising the person with dementia to reside in the same home?
This is elder exploitation and abuse.
Thank you very much, yes Lewy bodies is extraordinarily very aggressive I see almost daily loss of process of memory function, speech etc. Your Helpful Answer brought me to tears as you are so very spot on. I am a man who took on this task knowing full well the ramifications and the outcome, and shedding a few tears along the way privately. What I didn't see coming was the abandonment from an otherwise very loving family. Thank you for the tears, I needed them. I'm so grateful I have God by my side. (And for this Forum)
I appreciate everyone for their guidance. There is such beautiful and deep well throughout help everywhere in this group.
There's nothing you can do about 'their' lack of love/interest in their mother; you can't fix what's broken in OTHERS. All you can do is plug along and take care of yourself and your ex wife who's going to pass soon, to the best of your ability. Once she's gone and her funeral is over with, you can move on and AWAY from this bunch with a clear conscience and a light heart, knowing you did right by the woman you cared so much for. The rest of them can all take a flying leap, for all you care. Because again, you can't fix THAT level of broken, nor do you want to anymore.
The 'why' answer you seek is this: they just don't care ENOUGH. That's why. Those who do care wind up moving heaven & earth to do what they can for those they love. Those who don't care enough step back and away. They don't do anything b/c their excuses override their concern. They 'can't take' the sadness they'll see with her dementia. Or they 'don't have the money' to come visit. Or 'they can't take the time off' from work. Or yada yada and more BS excuses when we all KNOW they're just BS excuses. Because when you love someone enough, you FIND a way to do what needs to BE done. Period.
Wishing you the best of luck with what lies ahead, and I'm sending you a big hug for being such a stand-up human being.
I really have no advice for you as you tell us you already had planned a visit and that you were not welcomed, but rather contact cut off. I guess simply send a note that your ex cannot travel easily any longer, but that you are happy to welcome visits or to hear from them, and you will update them should they wish to contact you.
Then on you go with your life.
In all truth this is abnormal behavior. It would be odd in one person, but in an entire family I find it almost unbelievable. Leaves you with no choice really but to let it go and get on with life.
Your ex is not doing well. I am assuming you are her POA? You can at this point then only see to things as they come along.
As to the live in daughter you say dislikes your wife a whole lot, I find that a bit perplexing as well. You say she isn't holding down a job, so I assume that is why she hasn't moved on to a life with people she DOES like. There is little to be done about that if your wife chose not to address it when she was well; she's certainly in no condition to do so now. The home I assume belongs to your wife; at present then you are not in a place to deal with daughter; and should your ex die without a will that was already done some time ago when she was well, you will never be able to deal with it at all, as the home would likely pass to your wife's children were she to die intestate.
Your ex-wife may eventually need placement for care 24/7. If you are POA you will see to that and notify family. She may require medicaid; there may be recovery against her home at her death.
I cannot say myself that I would be angry or heartbroken regarding this. I don't have a whole lot of expectations of humanity in general. More, I would simply be perplexed. And at 80 I have already learned there is much in life I cannot or will not ever understand, so it's best to get on with what I DO understand, such as how-does-my-garden-grow.
I think the anger will come at some point. Justified anger.
Sorry to hear what you’re going through. There are MANY families like that: adult children who abandon; dump it on one person.
It’s a lot easier to live, without caring/helping an elderly LO. HUGE weight off your shoulders if you can dump it on someone else.
Hence, many people run away.
I strongly agree with Funkygrandma.
YOU can live with a good conscience.
Here’s what I say:
Even if the others don’t feel guilty right now…it’ll happen. Life might not look fair…but there’s a certain order in the universe.
Karma.
So, let me add:
1. Karma. They’ll be in a similar situation one day, needing help, alone.
2. The best “revenge” is success. Find a way to be successful despite all this. What is success? Somehow a human being who’s smiling, despite all this. You weren’t beaten. Let them see you victorious. For example, one reason to be happy is your good conscience.
3. Find a way to make life easier for you. It’s a very hard rollercoaster: stressful, worries, time-consuming.
4. Protect your own life.
Happy Easter Sunday!
Thank God your ex, at least has you in her life. That speaks highly of the person that you are and of your integrity. God bless you for that.
Everyone deals with the ups and downs of life differently, and the only consolation you will be able to take from this situation is the fact that when it's all said and done(and it will be sooner than later, as Lewy Body dementia is a very aggressive form of dementia)you will be the only one left standing with no regrets. The rest of the family will have to now learn how to live with all the regrets they will carry until they too die.
So keep your chin up and keep up the good work that you're doing with caring for your ex-wife. It's not easy I know, but you will be greatly rewarded one day from the only One that matters and that is God.
And please make sure that you're taking good care of yourself as well, as that is most important.