My mom loves to push my buttons like no other. I know I should ignore her, but I am only human and I blew up at her and said things that I shouldn't have. I have apologized, but I am upset at myself for stooping to her level. Does anyone have any advise for me other than walk away or ignoring her, because if I did that, I would never see her or speak to her. I don't think that is the solution, but it's really difficult to be around her.
I sort of read some of your posts so I know you are taking steps to divorce her. In the meantime, put a stupid look on your face and say nothing. Don't listen, just go along your business. If you feel yourself starting to get angry, put on that stupid face and just go do something else reasonable, even if you have to go play a game on your phone right in front of her. Let her escalate....don't lose your cool...just keep keep that stupid look on your face while you do something else that allows you to ignore her and her tantrum.
One option would be to look on the internet to find exercises that strengthen your facial muscles or eyes. You just want to find something that consumes you so much that you can block her out. Meditation works good also.
...and make sure she doesn't have access to anything she could make you mad. Just give her the "I could give a darn less about what you are trying to do" look on your face. When do you start paying attention again? oh maybe 15-30 minutes. It has to be sufficiently long enough so that they are uncomfortable when they are ignored.
Another option for responses, is to use "Love and Logic" techniques. I took the series of classes when my daughter was a teenager. It had great ideas for responses.
There is a court case against them. Mother apparently voluntarily liquidated her assets to buy them a house which she put in their name.
You may have found her a room to rent? And her SS will be enough?
Do you have POA/HCPOA for her? Does she still make her own decisions? If she still does make her own decisions, what if she refuses to go to the rented room?
Did you ever consult an elder attorney? And are the legal proceedings against your brother and his wife still going on?
I will remove POA and cut all ties with any responsibility for her if I am successful.
As far a legal proceedings go...the scales of justice move slowly and the court dates keep getting pushed back. To complicate things, my brother took her to another state and therefore, we are at that state's legal process.
I have consulted with numerous elder attorneys as well as Medicaid Certified specialists and everything comes back as you need to wait for the penalty period. I then started trying to find a way to move her out. So far, this might be the answer.
Look up Grey Rock as a technique for not interacting with someone who is a narcissistic. It's NOT just not talking to them.
You should also consider eviction as an option. If she is about to become homeless, that will open a myriad of social services driven options.
As Beatty likes to say, as long as YOU are the solution, there will be no other solution.
I completely agree with your last statement. She has no other alternatives but me. So it's up to me to make this happen. I still have work to do...but I am now hopeful.
I let him know when he's gone too far and when he goes one step beyond what's OK, I walk out. I don't live with them, we just visit. And we stay in a hotel, so when this happens (and it usually does) I can leave.
If DH isn't with me, I call an Uber. Son knows what he has done and can choose to apologize and do better or deal with explaining to his kids why Nonny walked out of the house crying and is now back at the hotel.
I have to set really tight boundaries with him. He thinks it's beyond hilarious to get under my skin. I hate being teased. He knows it. He can choose to be fun and kind and loving--but often he chooses to be mean and biting. Yes, it may be all in jest, or fun, but I hate it and he needs to respect it.
I would NEVER live with someone who disrespected me all the time. You and mom? DO you WANT to mend the relationship? Because you can only fix you. If mom isn't willing to abide by common rules of kindness and decency, then she can find elsewhere to live.
My own mom also could push my buttons. I would simply say "Mom, that was uncalled for. I'm leaving and I will see you when you are feeling better". And I'd walk away for a few days or a few months.
They say we teach people how to treat us. That could be very true, IDK.
The answer is......you move mom out of your house after you admit it was a mistake to allow her to move in in the first place. Cut your losses now before you wind up losing more of yourself and your life to a something unfixable.
and another question...
Why did you let mom move in with you?
Mom loves to push your buttons...that should have been a red flag as to how this would go.
When she starts you walk away. And I do mean as soon as she starts..walk away. You know when it is going to be one of those conversations so don't let it get that far.
Obviously since she is living with you you will see her and talk to her again.
It might also be a good, no make that a great time to start looking for AL for her.
Clearly living with you is not working and needs now to change. Until that happens you will continue to feel guilty over "blowing up" at someone who has no capacity for change. She should not have been moved into the home. It is not working. Begin the process of placement now would be my advice. You will NOT change her, and in fact things are likely to get a good deal worse.
You do not want to end looking at yourself in the mirror and considering whether or not you are abusive.
I wish you the best. Don't require of yourself what your limitations cannot deliver. You didn't cause her problems. You cannot fix them. You have a right to your life.
Put her in a facility.
So, 12+ years ago I just walked away and went no contact, it was her or me, I chose me, best decision that I ever made.
Sending support your way.
staying silent, and keeping it all in, isn't good either: it'll very likely come out as bad health inside you at some point ---- gaining weight? unexpected illness? bad mood? sleeping badly? grumpy? frustrated? mad?
people might recommend you go scream somewhere else, outside. but it really doesn't solve the problem. the fact is, that justified anger is still boiling inside you somewhere, because then you didn't have a chance to direct it at the person who should receive it.
your mother will never change. she'll keep pushing your buttons.
the only solution, is to be less of a target. how? less contact.
as long as you continue with the same amount of contact as now, she'll keep trying to provoke you. with less contact, there are less opportunities for her to use you as a target.