I hate her and want her gone! I love her and want her to be ok. Why am I so torn?
Hi again everyone. I'm beyond frustrated and just wish there was an easy or even not so easy way out of this mess!
I found out my mom's family dr called her and ASKED her if she wanted the geriatric assessment. Mom of course said no.
She is also secretly (well, she thinks I don't know about it) have a phone appointment with the same dr to discuss "how things are going" here. I'm not invited. I am mad as HELL! I just sit here and wait and wait and nothing happens!
Well, I fired her PSW for taking her meds (morphine) while working here. So now there's no PSW. I contacted her care coordinator and threw the situation on her lap. The gov't services will start soon, apparently.
Mom seems to have a UTI again. Or not. She has one if it gets her attention, but if you say she needs to get checked out she says it's getting better.
She's cruel and cares only about herself. I was sick, and she still wanted stuff. What's for lunch? Why didn't you do my dishes? Inn a 24 hour period, how much time do you spend with me?
My brother is also sick and she's very worried about him, though. LOL
BUT she's a widow, and she's lonely, and she has anxiety, and she is all hunched over with a walker now.
Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a caregiver. I was only supposed to be helping stay at home as long as possible. I've reached out to my therapist again, and hopefully I'm able to meet with her soon.
My son is also a lot of work. He's currently in a homeless shelter. I've set boundaries with him, and he has finally realized he needs a worker as he just can't do things himself. He has asperger's and adhd. He's also an addict. He still calls me several times a week needing stuff (money or a drive, usually) but I'm able to defer now to his worker.
I don't know how to set boundaries with Mom!
A big part of me just wants to go away, and not have anyone ask me to do anything for them ever again.
Thanks for listening/reading.
6 Answers
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So sorry, it is too much for you.
I know our system is broken, no help essentially.
I am going to suggest something drastic, every or almost every facility has respite care on weekly, monthly basis, of course it is not cheap, but we are taking about your well being, which is priority now.
OK, I guess that right now this is not your top priority. So to continue…
You love her, and want her to be OK, but you don’t love her behavior. You set boundaries with her in the only way possible – you don’t do everything she wants, just because she wants it. You stop, and if she is not OK as a result, you report her to the people who can deal with it, without the emotional problems you have. AND you see this doctor (or write) and tell them what you are going to do and why – 'so that the doctor can be ready to answer their questions in due course' – which might help change doctor’s approach.
You are in Canada as I am, so contact Home Care and social worker, they provide some services, like respite care.
Be brutally honest, you cannot do it, there is ways to place somebody temporarily in care.
They know my marriage is falling apart. They know I am burnt out. They know I'm ready to just run away from home and leave her alone.
The home care services are supposed to start again soon, but they are still short staffed so who knows if it will actually happen! The system in Ontario is ridiculously broken :(
The social worker is willing to set up respite for a few weeks at a home, but without the assessment, she is allowed to make her own decisions and flat out refuses to go. I'll call her again and tell her I just can't do it, so what's the next step!
I think you need to call her PCP and tell him/her that you cannot do this anymore. That Mom needs to be evaluated for what type of care she needs. If she can remain in her home, then how many hours does she need. If its found she needs 24/7 care then she is going to need to go to an AL on her dime or a LTC facility on Medicaids because you have been doing this for 4 years and you can't do it anymore. Bring up that you were sick but she was still demanding.
If I had to I would make an appt with him and pay out of pocket. He can't tell you about her health but you can tell him what is going on. And tell him that you understand HIPPA laws but you are taking care of her and should know whats going on.
Hopefully this will force him to get her evaluated. In the meantime, don't do anything for her she can do for herself. When she gets the aides set up and there is a routine, start thinking of moving out. Its hard to have leverage when its not your home. You can decide how close you want to be. Me, I would get far enough away that I could not possibly do anything to help.
When you get everything set up to move, you inform Mom and her coordinator that you are moving out. That dear brother is nearby if Mom needs anything so she is not being abandoned. Tell Mom you did your 4 yrs and now its brothers turn. And if she had been a joy to be around you may have stayed around. But you are not risking you health to care for her.