My father is 78 years old and has lived alone in his own home for the past 40 years. His house is an hour away from where I live (with my husband and my children - 2 grown and 1 leaving for college in the fall). For the past year, I’ve been visiting dad at least 3 times a week (going to lunch, running to the food store, and just being there to have companionship). It’s been exhausting but I knew my dad's health was declining - so I did it without question. Dad walks with a cane and has some minor confusion.
I’ve been trying for over a year to talk my dad into moving. He never had any interest... Two months ago, I couldn’t ignore my dad's medical decline anymore (his walking was getting worse and worse and he wasn’t taking care of himself). I talked him into going to the ER to get things “checked out”. He looked horrible and I was scared. Since that visit to the ER, dad’s been in the hospital, in rehab, back in the hospital, and now back in rehab. As you could imagine, my dad's anxiety is through the roof. He’s a bundle of nerves.... he may also have the beginning of dementia, but I believe that his fears are real. Seeing him scared and out of control from time to time, breaks my heart.
He’s been in so many different places (in just the past 2 months) and even though I visit every day, each time I leave - dad wants to find his keys and come with me. Here’s the problem.... I’m preparing myself for his discharge from rehab. My initial hope was that he would be “ok” with this rehab and then eventually, would naturally transition to AL (in the same bldg). I’m starting to think I have been in huge denial because it’s not that surprising that my dad doesn’t like the rehab at all (therefore I can’t imagine him ever feeling comfortable moving into the AL there). There’s no way he could go home (he needs far too much care AND even if he had in home care, it’s an hour from me 1 way, so I’d still be going down there every day to check on his care). I know of a few other AL’s in my area but I’m so scared that he’s going to hate all of them - because really he longs for the days when he wasn’t sick and life was good. I’m sorry - I forgot to mention.... he was diagnosed with bladder cancer 2 weeks ago. I’m not sure what the future holds for him. I just am consumed with guilt and worry. I don’t want him to be scared, anxious, and unhappy. I want him to make friends, discover new hobbies, and enjoy life! I don’t know if he’ll ever allow himself to do that. He’s seems depressed but the docs say no. I tell them he’s scared, and all they want to do is give him anti anxiety drugs (which we have found out the hard way - do NOT work effectively on him.). Please, if there is any advice you can give me - I’d really appreciate it. I’m 51 and I love my dad but I know he can’t live with me. I convinced myself that AL was the best option for him but I don’t know anymore.... Please help me cope as I try to make sense of all this!
When rehab was done, we had already booked a place in Memory Care/Assisted living. When we picked her up from rehab, we told her the doctor wanted her to get more practice with walking and brought her to the assisted living facility (6 minutes from my home.) She was there for 18 months before she passed. They took good care of her and I was able to visit daily. Not for 12 hours but I did get there. She was able to get PT in the assisted living when she needed it.
We just never mentioned that the move was permanent and were lucky that she was very cooperative.
As the adult in the equation, you get to make the 'best decisions'. Anything can be changed but I would look for something close to you. Good luck . . .
It seems to be that if your dad is now detoxed, its important to get him into a supervised environment for his safety and wellbeing.
This must be so hard for you!! I think we go through a patch of real grief and mourning when we realize that we're the adult in the room and need to reassure our elderly parent that everything is going to be okay.
Be kind to yourself, and don't discount the idea of getting some therapy/counseling yourself to help you deal with your current angst.
Are you talking to the social worker at the rehab about his future needs?
My heart goes out to you. So much is happening all at once.
Your Dad has cancer, that is enough to make most of us anxious, unhappy and scared. Those feelings will not go away based on where he is living.
I think you are on the right track, Assisted Living would be best for Dad or perhaps even a high level of care. Have you talked to his doctors about what to expect once he starts treatment for his cancer?
If he moved into a facility closer to you, how does that impact his medical treatment? Is there a hospital close to you that he would transfer to as a patient? I find the US medical system to be confusing as far as where one can go for treatment. If he would have to go back to the hospital where he is currently living, then an AL close to it would be best. You do not want to have to drive him and hour each way for treatments.
You say Dad is a bundle of nerves and also that the anti-anxiety medications have an inverse affect on him. 2 of my adult children, my brother and father are all diagnosed as ADHD. One of the interesting things about ADHD is that many medications have an inverse effect. Coffee is calming, ADHD meds are generally versions Speed, but are calming, instead of stimulating. It may be worth asking the doctors about the possibility of looking at other options for treatment. Or do you notice if he is calmer after a cup of coffee?
You deserve a hug and a pat on the back.
For his depression and anxiety, have you looked into Essential Oils and Aroma Therapy at all? It's important you use pure oils but you can get an inexpensive diffuser (Amazon has several) and just doing that in his room might help. Studies have shown that it can help in hospitals and in the elderly population too, I will say my mom's room in Rehab was very popular amongst the staff! Lol
This may decide where Dad has to go. All depending on how far the cancer has gone and what type of chemo will be used. My Mom was 80 when she went thru treatment my Dad in his 70s.
Can you get the doctors to have an honest conversation with him and you together, about goals of care? What treatment do they consider appropriate? How debilitating would that be? What are the most likely outcomes?
Can he get some PT to help him recover what strength and independence might still be possible?
Is he able to tell you what he wants for his end game?
If he's been living alone in his own home for 40 years, he may be unwilling to face a change to AL with all the social interaction (even at the most introverted level he'd be seeing multiple people every day) and all the lack of choices about things like what to eat (if he's not cooking). OR he may welcome the chance to sit back and read the paper or watch TV or surf the internet and have someone else take care of everything.
It's important to realize that some of the decisions we make (and doctors make) for our elders are motivated by our own fears, which can be different from theirs.
Bladder cancer is treatable! My mom had it over 20 years ago, and had the BCG treatment. No chemo- great outcome. Think positive and take one day at a time. You are doing the BEST you can, and unfortunately, the decisions that you must make are not easy but they are necessary for your dad’s well-being.
My dad bead bladder cancer too.
Many moves like this is always hard on them..it upsets their routine, what they know and the balance of their life. So it’s no wonder your dad is anxious. My dad was in and out of rehab many times and the first move was to AL and now he’s in the NH. He didn’t settle in right away to either place and that is hard to take as his daughter. But the sooner you wrap your head around the fact that he will have struggles, and that he might even have anger at you, the easier it is to take and understand this is a normal reaction. Do not go in expecting him to adapt immediately...also know that you can not be responsible for him being happy. All you can do is your best and be there for him as needed. Most likely in around 3-6 months he will adjust and things will smooth out. I say these things from experience and wish someone could have told me these things. But that’s why we come here, to share what we’ve been through. You sound very caring. If you can get a sibling or spouse on board to be your partner it will be a tremendous help.
has your doctor tried Buspar for his anxiety? It is not a benzodiazepine like Xanax and is easier in them. It helped my dad a lot. Also a SSRI antidepressant can help with anxiety. It was a god send and a game changer for my dad with his generalized anxiety disorder and depression.
See All Answers