I've been a longtime member of this site. Dad is 85 with Parkinson’s. Mom is 83 and killing herself to take care of him. She is very stubborn and possibly has dementia. They have nighttime help, but it is obvious to anyone with eyes that they need 24/7 help or they (at least my dad but probably both) need to be in AL. I, my sister and so have my aunts and uncles have told them this. My mom refuses. She rarely does anything for herself so when I called her today to make sure they were still alive, she said, "Oh are you free Sunday? Because I have a play." I sighed and said, "Mom, it's Thursday. How long is this play?" It's at least 4 hours that she'll be gone. I said, "What if dad has to use the bathroom and I can't lift him." She said, "Well I figured you and your sister can be here together." My sister lives an hour away. Neither one of us knew about this. I said, "I doubt (my sister) will go. She was at your house last weekend." She then replied, "Well you guys have to." Which is so infuriating! I want to help but what the hell? I've done a really good job with boundaries and letting them fail. But their nighttime caregiver can't be there. But I don't feel I should have to go for 5 hours either. I can't even move the guy. He's also very draining it terms of constantly getting up and down and shuffling around but also constantly about to fall over. I don't want him to fall on my watch. This is why he shouldn't be at home! Now I feel like a jerk.
Likely your mother has lost most of her "executive function" (planning ahead" skills.
Unless she bought it was gifted this ticket at the last minute, she's known about it for a while.
"I'm sorry mom, I don't have the ability to care for dad properly any more. He needs more help. I can't and won't come."
When I realized that my mom shouldn't be living at home any longer, we all stopped running when she called. We "dawdled".
She wasn't having emergencies (although she thought she was); she was having the predicable needs of an older adult living in a too big house in an isolated neighborhood with no transportation and no delivery services.
I would point these things out when I visited, i.e. "Gee mom, it's so sad your drugstore doesn't deliver, so sad you don't have sidewalks to walk on safely, so sad no one in the neighborhood is home during the daytime.". We wore her down.
She finally agreed to move to AL just for the bad winter weather. It was a fictional narrative that worked for us all. Keep that in mind.
Among other things, it allowed mom not to have to face cleaning out the house.
It's amazing how other solutions can fill the space I used to rush to fill..
Only you can decide your limits. The sooner you HONESTLY address this FACE TO FACE and full frontal, the better.
If your have set your boundary and have chosen to say no to caregiving, then no it is. Tell her no.
"But you have to"
under red flag alert-ignore, ignore, ignore.
You can say "NO" without being a jerk, and without explaining.
When things get this difficult, it helps to differentiate between needs and wants. And in no way are you on-call for an absent caregiver.
You did not sign up or volunteer for this.
You could also take this opportunity to explain that if she were in Assisted Living, the whole group may be going to the play and transportation provided, along with care for Dad while she is gone.
Just a thought. You do not sound like a jerk to me.
No. You really don't.
I think that you want to have strong boundaries. You haven’t succeeded yet in this area.
I failed miserably at setting boundaries. I had to learn how to properly set boundaries from my therapist and the wonderful people on this forum. I relied on their experience to help me navigate through the tough times.
You can achieve this goal as well. It won’t be smooth sailing at first but everyone will benefit from it in the end.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
Your Mother has chosen to care for your father. That doesn't mean ur obligated to do so too. Mom can see a lawyer to have assets split. Dads split going towards his care. When almost gone, Mom applies for Medicaid. She remains in her home, gets a car and enough or all of the monthly income to live on and...her life back.
My own Mom lives next door to me. At 94, she has a lot of time to hyperfocus on minutae and to decide that every to-do that pops into her head is an emergency, so she walks over several times a day expecting me to stop working to attend to her. It sometimes makes me feel like a jerk, too.
Is anyone the PoA for your parents? If so, this person should read the document to see when the authority to act for them becomes activated. If they don't have PoAs assigned, it may not be too late to help them do this. Otherwise someone will be calling APS to report them as vulnerable adults. I wish you peace in your heart on this journey.
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