My mother in law lives alone, denies being an alcoholic and has increased her falls and drinking over last 6 months. Now with 2 broken bones in her arm .We are leaving Florida to care for her in Buffalo but we need a long term plan and have no idea on resources. Anyone have advice? She is of sound mind so we can’t force her out but she just can’t be alone any more. Makes too many bad choices
You can help her make the plans. And you can encourage her to do so but if she refuses there is not much you can do. Or if she does not follow up with the plans you can't do much.
Often a family has to wait for a more serious crisis.
What would happen if for one reason or another you could not leave the warm balmy, sunny Florida in the dead of winter to go to cold, dreary NY?
The answer is she would either have to hire caregivers that would come help her out or she would have to go to rehab until she is able to manage caring for herself. Maybe this is what she needs to make her realize that she needs to make plans and follow through with the plans.
Is she a candidate for Independent or Assisted Living? Is that an option?
If she is increasing her drinking and that is increasing her falls this could be a Merry-go-round that you will be on for the rest of her life. At some point she will fall and that fall will be fatal. Either directly or indirectly. (one being the fall would kill her or she will lie on the floor for days before she is found and eventually die because of that. Neither a good outcome)
It's good that you're going to Buffalo (hopefully for just a visit) to scope out the situation. If MIL has a home there, it can be sold to finance her new life in Assisted Living. Surely you are not going to uproot your entire LIFE in FL to be her live-in caregivers, right? If you are, that's probably a HUGE mistake b/c you can't save a person from herself. You say she 'denies' being an alcoholic to begin with, meaning she has no intention to STOP drinking. Which means she is going to continue to fall and deteriorate mentally/physically, etc. How to you plan to pick her up when she falls? Don't do it yourselves or YOU will wind up in the hospital! Call 911 when she falls. Have the EMTs come pick her up off the floor. After you deal with this mess for a while and see/feel what your default future looks like, THEN you can plan your next move. Or HER next move, better yet.
If she refuses to sell her home and go into AL, then you may have to leave her to her own devices and wait for a crisis to happen. Then she goes to the hospital/rehab who refuses to release her back to living alone. THIS is when you get to move her into AL or into a Skilled Nursing Facility with Medicaid if she has no money to private pay. Unfortunately, this is the predicament many of us find ourselves in when we're dealing with stubborn elders who refuse to move but NEED to.
It's not your job to prop up an alcoholic and give her the illusion she's 'independent' at YOUR expense while she continues drinking herself to death. Keep that fact in mind as you plan your next step in this mess she's created.
Best of luck.
The best thing I'd advise is to help her get her affairs in order for that eventuality -- will, trust (if she has property and investments), POA, and Advance Medical Directive. If she gives you grief, reassure her that the POA won't take effect until she's deemed incompetent by two doctors. (I'm assuming she'd never grant immediate powers of attorney.)
The process of aging, health changes & downsizing is a huge adjustment. Many need a good listener to work their way through it. Then, with support, to come up with their own plan.
Note, SHE must do this. You cannot make this adjustment for her.
So advise where to go for support & help.
Without too much doom & gloom, mention the choices are hers but also any consequences are also hers.
Be a friendly contact who telephones & maybe visits (distance permitting) from time to time.
It is not within your power to fix old age for her.
However, whether available or not, it doesn’t mean that Mother will accept them. They won’t support a full bottle alcoholic, and so an alcoholic won’t agree to go. If M is legally capable, you can’t force her. Taking her as a live-in with you is bad bad news in most cases, and even worse with an alcoholic.
Do your checks before you burn bridges by moving. We have had many posters who have simply had to accept that there is nothing they can do. There is no magic wand to stop substance abuse.
My only addition is that your husband should be the one to come to the understanding that "help" may not look like what he thinks, as I am guessing she may have been an alcoholic for a while. He may be co-dependent with her and a well-meaning enabler (or not) but like AlvaDeer suggested he should attend some Al-Anon meetings so he (and you) can create clear and healthy boundaries in this situation. If you don't you'll be on an exhausting merry-go-round with her until she has a profound and fatal incident. Consulting with a therapist experienced in dealing with alcoholics may be time, money and effort well-spent before you journey down the path before you.
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