I am so friggin scared. I need your help!! She is back in the hospital. She called me at noon. They went to her house at 4:30am and she said she didn’t get to the hospital till 6am. They couldn’t pull in her driveway because nobody had plowed the end of it yet. My son and I had shoveled everything but the end. They couldn’t get in the back door because it was locked. They went in through the front door because it was unlocked. She was upstairs short of breath, and shaking. They helped her down the stairs and cleared a lot of junk out of the way in the dining room. I’m over here now taking pictures of this hell hole. I contacted her primary doctor and they contacted APS and left a message. The social worker at the hospital called me and left a message to call her back. She wanted to meet with me and my mother tomorrow. I called and let a message and said she needs to go to assisted living. I can’t help her anymore!!! I can’t be there in the morning I have to work tonight. I told my mother when she called at noon I would stop up today. Should I go up to the hospital? Should I stay away? What if she calls me at home? Should I tell her she needs to go to assisted living? I am so scared right now. I’ve told everyone everything!!!! Help me please!!!
You know AL means private pay. If she can't do that it means Medicaid in Long Term Care.
I think you have offered your mom tremendous support throughout her life. You know that you have.
She can’t continue on the path that she is on. Too much clutter, two story home, all alone in that house, etc. It’s not the right place for her. I bet she’s scared. I would be. There comes a time that we have to give up our independence and allow others to help.
You have a job. You have a family. You cannot keep putting all of your energy into your mom. It’s draining you. I lived it. It drains us. I think sometimes we want the pain to stop so we used to take what we thought was the easy way out by doing everything for them. It really wasn’t the easy way out.
We taught them that we were at their disposal at all times because it’s what we feel in our hearts. It’s emotional. We don’t even see how much we are doing until we step away. At least that is how it was for me.
You have grown so much. You put things into perspective but while that brings a certain amount of relief, the concern for our mothers is still in our hearts. I understand that.
Look, call me crazy but I have compassion for my mom and want the best for her even if she mistreated me at times. I appreciate when she was kind and she did many wonderful things for me as well. I still think of her daily even though I don’t see her because I will not allow myself to be near my brothers or sister in law. I hit my threshold of pain. I would suspect that you are at your threshold of pain.
Elaine, you are at the end of your rope and that is perfectly normal! Tell your mom this is the end of the line. She cannot return to her home. It isn’t safe. I think the EMS workers are your best friends right now. They see your mom’s unacceptable living situation. Ask the EMS workers to testify for you. Stick with telling anyone and everyone that will listen to you about your concerns. I wouldn’t bring her home again. If they put her in a cab then it’s on their hands. You know that she shouldn’t return to her home. Stick by that.
Go see her if you like but don’t let them manipulate you. She’s your mom. You have to deal with this. They don’t and if they did, well...they would be complaining too!
All the best to you, Elaine. If you don’t mind I am going to say a special prayer for you and your mom. I know when I was in a fog that sometimes I was hurting so much that I couldn’t pray. I feel God understands that. The greatest of prophets had dry spells and questioned their circumstances. Everything you feel is completely normal! Hugs, Elaine 💗.
I’m so sorry for all that is happening but hoping this is the catalyst to get some awareness and intervention for your mom’s self neglect. I agree with WorriedinCali. Stay away. It would probably be best to avoid her phone calls too, but I recognize how difficult that is. Practice a calm but stern voice, “Mom, I love you and you need help. You need to be in assisted living.” Any attempts by her to argue should be met with, “ Mom, again, I love you but this is not open for discussion.” Hang up and don’t take her calls for the rest of the day. You can do this.
My mother was a lesser version of yours. Apartment was messy,not very clean,she didn't bathe well,couldn't do her laundry,fell on NYC streets buying groceries and on and on. Finally a fall landed her in the hospital and then to rehab and then to AL. I couldn't have gotten her there on my own. Over 6 years later she is much better off. Stay strong.
Mother had a crisis about that age (one of several). The more the professionals got involved,the better it went, the better care she got, and the easier it was on me. Did she like it? No she didn't but, nonetheless, it was what was best for her. She got the care and meds that she needed.
Keep us updated.
Just remain cool, calm & collected tomorrow when you do go to the hospital for the meeting. Your ducks are all lined up now. Mother needs to NOT come home now. She needs placement. That is what you tell the SW as many times as necessary in order for the message to sink in.
Then let go and let God. This is the 'crisis' opportunity you've been waiting for. With God's help, mother will be soon be placed in a care environment where she'll be cared for until she passes. Sending you a giant HUG and a load of prayers that all goes well.
Please feel peace about your decision. You know that she is being cared for. I think it’s good they have ordered a psych test. Things could be looking up!
She cannot manipulate you if you refuse to take her calls.
Now, do know if you say you do not want power of attorney and guardianship, then your mother will be basically a ward of the state. They will take care of her and her home. They will do it all. BUT you will not have any say about where she is placed. So that has to be something you know.
Your Mom will not cooperate. It is time for them to take over. Good luck. Know that if she is in 5 days she can go to rehab. Likely needs the care, and another good opportunity to reinforce that she cannot go home, you will not take her home, and sending her home is unsafe. On the phone tell Mom you love her but she needs help now and won't accept it from you.
We are all in your corner. I don't think a single person here is in disagreement with what you need to do, and on the forum THAT'S RARE! Thinking of you and pulling for you. THIS is best for your Mom, too, thought she won't see that for a long time.
If she calls you for help (panic attack, breathing troubles, etc) you call 911 and have them deal with it. If it's an EMERGENCY, then EMERGENCY services need to intervene, not you.
YOU are powerless, except in your ability to step back and let the professionals do their jobs. Dont let your mother or anyone else manipulate you into sacrificing your life, your health or your livelihood. And tell your son to back off as well.
You know she needs professional care. Hopefully by tomorrow, the hospital will know it too.
I would NOT go to visit your mother. Go to see the SW. Do not interact with mom. She will manipulate and guilt you.
If the SW staff tell you that being her POA obligates you to take her home (it doesn't) tell them that you are resigning as her POA. If they tell you that they will call APS, tell them to go right ahead and thank them for doing that.
In short, do not let them make you believe that YOU are doing anything wrong. You have the right to your life. You cannot be made to do hands on care for your mother.
You let the SW at the hospital do their job. They can tell her it is an unsafe discharge, they can tell her Mum can no longer live in her home. It is not your job.
Do not get into a discussion. Don't engage in back and forth. Don't upset her by telling her about the open doors.
The cards are all in your hands if you play them correctly. You have to not succumb to her manipulation.
To answer a question from a couple of posts back, if you go no contact, you can call the police to do wellness checks.
Don't act up at the hospital to incite your mother. How she treats you has nothing to do with anything. This is about whether or not she is competent. She is mentally ill but not unable to understand the risk she is taking. It is HER bad choice to take risks
You have no obligation to enable her.