I am so friggin scared. I need your help!! She is back in the hospital. She called me at noon. They went to her house at 4:30am and she said she didn’t get to the hospital till 6am. They couldn’t pull in her driveway because nobody had plowed the end of it yet. My son and I had shoveled everything but the end. They couldn’t get in the back door because it was locked. They went in through the front door because it was unlocked. She was upstairs short of breath, and shaking. They helped her down the stairs and cleared a lot of junk out of the way in the dining room. I’m over here now taking pictures of this hell hole. I contacted her primary doctor and they contacted APS and left a message. The social worker at the hospital called me and left a message to call her back. She wanted to meet with me and my mother tomorrow. I called and let a message and said she needs to go to assisted living. I can’t help her anymore!!! I can’t be there in the morning I have to work tonight. I told my mother when she called at noon I would stop up today. Should I go up to the hospital? Should I stay away? What if she calls me at home? Should I tell her she needs to go to assisted living? I am so scared right now. I’ve told everyone everything!!!! Help me please!!!
Please come back and tell us how things are going. You can also come back and just vent. My daughter was taught years ago that when she was made at us write it all down. What happens, by the time you get to the end, the anger is not as bad.
Let SW know u cannot meet in morning because u will just be getting off work.🙏🏾💪🏾♥️
Social worker should advise you that mom should go to a nursing home for the 30 days they give you on medicaid/medicare. If they offer, take it. They won't ask again. This will give you time to breathe and figure out the next step.
LOng story = short. Aunt was given the 30-60 days stay. After that time, the social worker at the nursing home told me I had a few days to figure out where aunt was going. I handed her the papers for the 6 pack I found a few minutes away from me. She was stunned. She never had a person find a place so quickly. It's not my first rodeo..
My MIL put my FIL in the 30 day medicare nursing home, just so she could rest. She was up all the time, waiting on him, get him this, that, and the next thing. It does tire you out... If you need the rest and knowing she needs 24/7 care, then take it.
Then again, if you don't have POA, or she doesn't allow you to make decisions for her, then, I guess, it's out of your hands. Don't shut her out. Be there when you can, and tell her when you cannot. If it's too much for you to handle one day, then stay away, go another day.
You have done all the right things to help your Mom even if she fought you every step of the way. I hope you find some peace of mind for you. Take care of yourself as you are taking care of her.
As for your mom being angry with you. It looks to me that she is an angry person who is going to be angry with you no matter what. Just because she is angry, does not mean that you are doing exactly the right thing.
If she wont' give you the checkbook, the bills don't get paid. Tell the social worker that she won't give you the checkbook. Then when the power goes off and you call for a welfare check, the social worker sees the full extent of your mother's inablitly to cope, of her illness. You can monitor the situation. When it gets bad, call for the welfare check. your mom does not cooperate, she does not respond to your tears, your pleas etc. That is what is going to make her end up in AL. Let it happen. Don't bail her out,or it never will.
Talk to her doctor about how to get a neuropsych exam which will show her inability to reason.
Call the local Area Agency on Agency about getting a needs assessment.
Call the eldercare attorney tomorrow and discuss the options.
Allow her bills to go unpaid. Her lawn to get overgrown. In my Township that gets you a letter and a fine. Eventually, the electric will be turned off and the water. Where I live, you cannot live in a place with no running water. The police had to go and take a women, who hoarded, out of her house because it was unsanitary to stay in a house where there was no running water. When they remove her, let the County take over guardianship. This way, they will have to do for Mom. She will be placed easier than u can do.
LOVE your ideas Joann, and I'm not trying to 'argue' with you. Just looking at the situation from an emotional standpoint vs. a logical one.
Here is where you have to decide how much you will and will not do for her, I suppose. Like I had said to you in an earlier post, this isn't about HER, it's about YOU. Make a list of what/when you will go over and what you will do for her. Maybe once a week; bring some food, pick up the mail, etc. Otherwise you are going 'no contact' which I know you don't want to do. So you have limited choices here, which is really unfortunate.
Also think about hiring someone to shovel the snow, pick up the mail, do the grocery shopping, etc.........the outside stuff since she won't allow anyone inside the home. He can leave the bags on the stoop. You can pay him a pre arranged fee per visit or something like that. That will cut down your workload. As far as the phone calls go, limit those to one per day MAX. Let the rest go to voice mail. Since she insists on living alone, there is ONLY so much help she can get, and that includes phone calls.
Sending you a hug. I'm really sorry things turned out this way, Elaine. I'm frankly shocked at the system for doing this to both of you.
I feel for you greatly. I hear how tormented you are. Something has to change and however that comes about only that will bring a different reality to this nightmare you have been living.
She's going to be mad at you and lash out - that's a given. Don't let your fear of her being angry with you or upset with you guide any decisions. Your job is to see that she's taken care of, not to do the 24/7 care yourself. You know you're looking out for her, while protecting yourself. You're doing great -- many of us took far longer to set healthy boundaries.
My heart is broken for you. The people we trusted to intervene don’t seem to feel the urgency we do. I wonder to myself, what would it take for them to act? What is the threshold that must be met in order for them to intervene?
I am so very sorry. I understand your exhaustion, hurt and anger with the process. You have done everything and more, only to be horribly let down again.
Isn't it likely that your mentally ill mother has been going on all day about her daughter is going to pick her up and won't stand for this? And ranting and raving about how she is being held against her will, or something like that.
Yes, she has rights. And the hospital needs a good bit of evidence to be able to overstep them.
This is not about how she treats you. This is about HEr living conditions and her ability to take care of herself.
And if they say she is competent, you are more than justified in letter her be .
you have done everything to inform the authorities that Mum is not safe at home. The ball is no longer in your court.
"Mom, would you like your bills to get paid?".
(If yes)."Then I'll need some checks to do so". (why aren't her bills set up for auto magic electronic billpay??).
If she makes a fuss, get up and leave. Inform the social worker via email, phone and snail mail that your mother is not cooperating with paying bills and you regret the fact that you need to resign your POA. Call mom's lawyer to arrange to do that.
Do not engage in any conversation about going home. "We will have to see what the doctor says, mom. How is the food? Can you work the TV okay?"
Keep the conversation neutral and if she acts out, get up and say (nicely) I'll come back when you are feeling better.
Do. Not. Engage in arguments with her.
If possible wait this out until some decisions have been made. You want things to change, right? In fact you know they need to change, right? So your mom is going to go through some transitions until she settles into LTC. She is not going to remember that you didn't call for one or two days in the hospital. IF she does tell her you were sick and lost your voice (or some other therapeutic fib).