I have backed off seeing my mother and talking to her on the phone. How do you get past the guilt?

Another thought:
You are not doing anything to your mom by backing off. She made the decision to put distance between you. You are simply responding to her actions.

The hoarding, gambling and drinking are all signs of mental illness - addictions - used as poor coping mechanisms for whatever stress/frustration/mental illness/dementia. She probably yells at you when she gets frustrated and confused. Sorry she isn't calmer or nicer. Sorry that she also seems to have become phobic about going to the doctor (going out at all?). Since she will not let you help her, I would call APS. She may need to have them "Baker Act" her to a psychiatric hospital to get treated. Don't feel guilty about the distance, you're keeping yourself sane by maintaining healthy boundaries. Also don't feel guilty to call APS, you're trying to help her when she won't let you help or help herself.

Get some therapy for yourself, and get some distance. You have to for your own health. Call APS on your mom and let the chips fall where they may. Change your phone number if you have to. We wouldn't let anyone else treat us like this, just because she's your Mom doesn't mean she has a special pass on verbal abuse. Please, get some help and boundaries for yourself!

I feel once some people feel that it is acceptable to treat others shabbily, they continue doing so. They aren’t going to change.

They place these ideas in their own minds and simply won’t budge. There are so many close minded people. It would never occur to them that they are wrong. They can’t see or admit that they are rude.

Or she could be stressed and scared and taking it out on you. Doesn’t it seem that people hurt the people that they should love the most? I think it’s because they feel safe with them.

They normally wouldn’t treat strangers like that because they know a stranger wouldn’t put up with it. Here’s the thing though, no one should have to put up with it.

Pride and stubbornness can be ugly behavior. Some people feel entitled and always feel it’s other’s responsibility to change to suit their needs.

Elaine, you do not have to adapt to suit her. You know that have not done anything wrong. So you do what you think is best for you.

I can’t say what is mental illness or not. I don’t know her. Especially if this isn’t a new behavior and it is a part of her character that always existed.

Thank you everyone for your answers. I read each and every one of them. I need to keep reading them over and over till it sinks in my head. You all have words of wisdom!! So much wisdom. Thank you!! She has been in a psychiatric facility before but that was way back in 1978. What is the bakers Act? How would I get her to go to a psychiatric facility? I called her doctor and got her medicine and brought it to her on Monday, Barbbrooklyn. I know I should have let her handle it but I ended up calling her doctor and getting it myself. This is all so overwhelming for me.

Happy belated Birthday Elaine.......I'm just seeing this post now, for some reason.

My heart hurts for all you're being put thru with your mother, who seems to be worsening on a DAILY basis. Truthfully, all you CAN do here is back off. Set boundaries and don't let her cross them. Get her meds called in and do whatever else is necessary to keep her alive & well, but that's IT. You're not a scratching post anymore and it's okay to say that out loud, to mean it, to demand it, and to NOT feel guilty about not allowing anyone to mistreat you. You have done more for your mother than 99% of daughters in your position EVER would have done, and you need to see that and to appreciate it........pat yourself on the back for it, too. Now it's time to step back & allow mother to self-destruct. You will, of course, step back in when she DOES fall apart, which she will, and then you will visit her in the hospital and speak with her doctors, etc. But until that time comes, you are doing the right thing by limiting your calls and your contact with the toxicity.

Don't allow ANYONE to make you feel guilty about your decision, either. Enough is enough.

You are a spectacular daughter and you have the patience of Job. Truly, I admire you and your Herculean strength to date.

Press on. Stick to your guns with the decision you've made here, knowing full well that you ARE here for your mother when she TRULY needs you. You're just no longer willing to take the verbal abuse you've BEEN taking for all this time.

As far as healing is concerned, you have GOT to attribute your mother's behavior to mental illness ENTIRELY. It's not that she doesn't love you, most likely......it's just that her mental illness takes precedence over EVERYTHING else in her life, including you, and then her addictions take over the rest of it. Anxiety, addiction, mental illness..........she's a molotov cocktail who's refused to see the reality of her situation for ALL these years. That's the truth, and that's at the heart of the matter; not hatred for you. As the dementia progresses, all the other mental conditions magnify, and what you have is a gigantic MESS that no human being can deal with effectively. It's not you, it's her. I've watched my own mother toddle down this same road (minus the addictions) and she too has become nearly impossible to deal with. I remind myself daily it's not my fault, and it's not her fault either, really...........it's just a mental illness that's never been addressed or treated. We ALL suffer as a result.

Sending you love and hugs, my friend.

Thank you so much lealonnie for your heartfelt answer. I will have to post your answer and everyone’s answer on my refrigerator and read it daily. At some point I know I will have to go back to seeing a therapist. I went for years on and off. I went continuously for 5 years up until last year. My health insurance said no more. How the hell does health insurance know when enough is enough???? Anyway, my therapist said I can always come back. I will be going back in the future. Thank you everyone for your heartfelt responses.

A very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you, elaine! You have done a STELLAR job thus far as a loving daughter, BUT you no longer can allow yourself to be treated as your mother's doormat. Get her RXs called in and if she doesn't want to seek medical help for her mental illness of hoarding and getting help with her gambling addiction, that is NOT ON YOU. Prayers to you, dear lady. Take care of you.

Thank you Llamalover for your birthday wishes and advice. I am so thankful and grateful for this agingcare forum. It helps me so much!!

elaine: You're very welcome! Yes, you will garner a LOT of information from this great forum.

Elaine,

How are you? Are things any more peaceful with your mom? Been thinking about you. Hugs!

I just came across this again and the first thing that popped into my mind was "my brothers never seemed to feel guilty". Never even to the point they at least called her on the phone to see how she was doing. My DH called his Mom every Sunday after his Dad passed. But I don't think he ever felt "guilty" that she was in Fl and we were in NJ. She tried, but he always felt the move to Fla was her choice. She could always come back to NJ.

Hi Needhelpwithmom, thank you for asking. I went no contact these last few days and worked up the courage to see her today. She was in a good mood. Also, when she asks me my opinion on something that I know would cause an argument, I just answered like my kids answer her, I just smiled and said I don’t know. Then I switched topics fast. It worked. She’s always pondering why someone said or did something and then wants my opinion. It always ends up her saying no that’s not it and me yelling back at her. I didn’t do that this time. I just sweetly said I don’t know and switched topics. She went to the grocery store last Friday so she is all set for food. She said when she was at wegmans, a man asked her if she would like a rose? She said sure. He handed it to her. He took it out of the bouquet he was buying and handed her a single rose and said here, this for you. I thought that was so nice. People have given her 5.00 before and paid for her dinner because she looks like a homeless person. Boy, if they only knew. If they only new she gambled my fathers fortune away. Thank you for asking. That was so nice of you!!!

Elaine, I've been reading your thread and learning some things from it. I am a somewhat similar deal with my mom but this is not new to me just recently she has moved out of my home. The phone calls are just starting back up.
Like you, I'm setting boundaries.
One call is all reactionary (me) then I cave and tell her I'll do what she wanted and not what I told her I could do and she has changed and said no, no that's ok in an almost nice tone.
She is still pulling my strings. or pushing buttons. So, yes. Push/pull. It has only been a couple of days and I need to get a grip.
Don't mean to take over this post. Just reading how you've been able to handle things gives me some hope that I can deal with mine too.
take care.

Rbuser, no you did not take over my post. Thank you for replying!!! I saw my mother today and I saw her this past Sunday. Both times when she started dwelling about something and then asking me what I thought, I just replied sweetly, gee I don’t know. Then I quickly changed the subject to the weather or something and it worked!!! 10 years ago it wouldn’t have worked. She would have told me to stop changing the subject and I would have told her no more brain teasers!!!! But I’m trying NOT to react and change the subject. So far so good. It’s a work in progress.

Carolinafran thank you for your response. I’ll have to read that book. Thank you for suggesting it.

Hi, Im not really sure if it is guilt you feel- might just be the sense of freedom and your not used to unwinding. When I first started to learn what a mess I was in, I too, thought it was guilt. Turns out, I was fighting the realism that I was making a move towards being healthier in my own life and because of the way I was raised, treated and past life experiences, I gave it the guilt name- CUZ PEOPLE LIKE US carry the shame given to us, for not being enough. If you got a puppy, and the only thing you did was yell BAD DOG wouldnt you expect the dog to hang their head- just like we all did?! Well, try re-naming that feeling- no one is ever guilty of learning another thing about life- never guilty of doing something for you, never guilty about sleeping better.....I would suggest a different approach to the learning curve.
No more guilt- excitement for new way of living.
Now, for the hurt part....THAT IS ON HER- not yours to carry, her bad, not yours. I have had stuff said to me that stopped total strangers cold. A cop told me "ill pray for you" when a neighbor heard the screaming battle. The hurt you carry can only be discharge by you. You have to realize that someone handed you a big heavy box or stinking rotten garbage and said, HERE- this is yours. And there you are walking around 24/7 in everything you do holding on to this heavy box that reeks and is about to break your back and arms, its that heavy. DROP that box! Its not even yours- its someone elses garbage you lug around all day, preventing you from touching anything, breathing fresh air, the first thing people see when you walk into a room is that box of ugly. NO MORE! That exactly what I pictured in my head and thats what flipped a switch for me. I pray it works for you-it set me free. I dont look back and I dam sure dont go back. Im here if you need me.

How I stopped the guilty feelings and the internalization was by reminding myself regularly that I am a caring person but I need to take care of my own needs first so that I have the ability to care for and about others. I'm guessing that your mom is not used to your establishing boundaries.

Thank you peanuts and struggling for your heartfelt answers. This site has helped me so much and I know that I am not alone. You have all been there before too. Thank you so much for your help.