I have caused a huge family upset by letting them know I can no longer care for my mother. How do I deal with this?

My sister in law and her husband handled everything for my husbands parents for years. They have lived in a house rent free that the in-laws own for over 40 years and the family knew this was the agreement they had made with their parents. However, when it became apparent that the job was bigger then they could handle, they needed help. No one stepped up. This is what happened.
When we the other family members would offer help we were told they were doing fine. No one lives in the town except the care giver sister so it would be a day trip to go. When we would call to say we were coming down Dad would say don't come. He suffers from dementia and his paranoia would prevent him from having more than 2 people in the home at one time. I am the wife of the oldest son and I recognized elder abuse happening. Not intentional, but the care level needed was not being met. I started bring prepackaged healthy meals and
even had physical therapy come to the home. Mom wasn't moving from the chair. She had no physical limitations but had become so weak that she became immobile and incontinent. This is what happens when one member has dementia and is running everything. The sister in charge was doing what he allowed and not crossing him. Long story short, they hardly ate the meals, complained about everything we brought in and Mom refused to do the exercises. They both fell and broke their hips that year and it was the best thing that ever happened. That is horrible to say, but because of it Mom was able to go into rehab and finally be away from Dad, and I teamed up with the sister and guided her through the steps to get financial aide so she sould stay there. We kept Dad in the home for six more months but soon realized that he was lonely and confused and demanding every bit of sister in laws time. She had family problems and could not do it. We were able to move him to assisted living and both parents are now in the same facility. They spend the day together in his little apartment and dine together lunch and dinner. Mom goes back to her room at night. She has never progressed from the wheelchair and is bowel and bladder incontinent but so much better. We even finally had her cataracts done and she can read again. Her progressive blindness had been going on for 10 years. It was a awful situation with a good outcome. The finances are stretched to the limit but I was able to do a separation of assets and get Mom on Medicaid. By doing this, they are able to afford his monthly bills. We are looking to VA for a small stipend since he was a Korean War veteran.
The reason I am telling this is because, you need to ask for help before it gets bad. Your family needs to know the whole situation. In our case it was hidden from us until it became desperate. Don't stay if you cannot do it. My sister in law meant well, but her level of care became unacceptable when our parents got worse. Don't let this happen to your family. Walk away with your head held high and pray that your lazy siblings will come forward. If there are other circumstances why you were chosen to care for your Mother, address that and get out. Right now, for us we have no guilt and are able to enjoy our parents. They are happy and healthy and safe. The other siblings have still not to help and have only visited once or twice in a year. I cannot judge them, I can only do what I know is best.

Your sisters are wrong. You have done the very best for your mother, now different care is required. You are not alone. It sounds like you are going to need some counseling to get through the bs-guilt that your family members are throwing your way...please look for a counselor. The very best to you.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope a peaceful resolution can be made. Brightest blessings for you. You're in my thoughts.

Send those guilt and shame filled texts back to them, and say "If you can do it, take over." it is easy for them to call you selfish when they are on the other side watching and not helping. it is amazing how people can judge you while not doing anything themselves.

Of course they are treating you this way and trying to shame you into continuing to care for her. Why wouldn't they? You are the one caring for her and if you stop, perhaps one of them would have to care for her. My suggestion? Take her to one of their homes for a visit and leave her there and walk out. Bet they would begin to understand then. Honestly, don't let them treat you this way. If you are the only one there caring for her, place her in a memory care facility close to where you live and sell everything she owns except what she needs and will keep with her. Allow her social security to pay for her to be placed and do what you need to do to make her safe and care for yourself. Them when they begin, let them know that anytime they would like to care for her solely, then they can remove her from the facility and take her with them.

I went through a similar situation. I lived with my mom for about 10 years after my brother passed. Her condition declined and much more care was needed on a daily basis. She was sewn to my hip for 8 years. I declined both physically and mentally. After 8 years and a couple of breakdowns I put my foot down to family and moved out. It forced my siblings to step up to the plate. I am in counseling and no longer feel guilty for making a good decision for myself. I am now living and breathing on my own again. My siblings are now seeing how difficult it is and hopefully are judging me less. That’s on them. I have no regrets for making decisions for my mental and physical wellbeing. I encourage you to go into therapy! A counselor will help guide you to make the right choices for you and you mom! Good luck to you! There is help out there!

Their selfishness is unspeakable.  Call the Alzheimer's Association and ask for options.  Then find help.  If they will not help out financially or by taking turns in the home, then they should have absolutely no say.  I cannot state strongly enough that it is torture to go through what you are going through and for them to ignore that is selfishness at its worst.  See if you can hire someone to come in and help so you can have some relief.  Make them chip in, or insist that you get medical power of attorney and find another option.  They are not worth being in your life if they would see you go through this without helping out or understanding that something else needs to be done.  Bless you.

So many folks have such a huge heart and willing to take on the care of a parent. I applaud you for doing what you could. None of us can do it all. We need help.

One thing I always ask my patients, when they think about taking on the care of a parent, "What is your exit strategy?" and "When will you know it's time to let go?" When you have these answers, then it's time to discuss them with the aging parent, as well as the siblings and everyone else who wants to give their opinions.

There is so much preparation BEFORE going taking on this adventure.
But for you, my dear lady, let go, It's time.

I have often found that "well-meaning" family / friends are often quick to offer their advice or shame others for not doing or not continuing to care for aging / disabled loved ones. Your are not being "selfish" you have given the last eight month of your life to your mom.

You have to put yourself, your health and your family first. You cannot help anyone if you let your health go.

I would tell your siblings "I have put my life on hold for the last eight months to care for our mom. I need to go back home and take care of myself and my family. I can either look at placing in long-term care or one of you need to step up and come take my place." Don't let their emails get to you. I think they are being selfish by expecting you to give up your life while they do nothing. After all if they can "shame you" into doing what they should be willing to help with then they are off the hook and mom has the care she needs.

Good luck to you, let us know what happens.

Start by sending the same texts back to them. They are the ones who are being selfish - they are willing to sacrifice YOU so they don't have to deal with the problem.

Then you find out what steps YOU need to take to get YOUR life back again.

If they think you are being selfish ask them to come take care of her for a weekend to give you time for yourself too. I have the same issue. I am the middle daughter of 3. Both sisiters live within adequate distance to help. One helps on occasion and the other hasn't been around at all to help but is the first to tell me that I am wrong for wanting my Dad in a home. My dad gave up when my mom passed 27 years ago.. we have been doing it for that long. I know how you feel. My health and my life have completely suffered and I am the bad guy. I can only advise that you ask them to come see for themselves what exactly you are going through. I feel for you I wish I could say some easy solution but I haven't found it yet only I will say stand your ground because you have to take care of you before you can fully take care of others.

This is your prerogative, what others think of it is none of your business. You are the one who has had the burden, if they don’t like it , let them give her a home. You won’t be any good for your mother if you overextend yourself.
Make the necessary moves with loving care, but don’t let other’s influence you, they haven’t the slightest idea of what it requires to give 24/7 care.

Who is going to take care of you when all this stress and responsibility takes it toll?
You have to know when to disengage, it is no abandonment, find a safe place for her and stay in close touch as her advocate.
It’s too bad the elderly don’t plan for their senior years, it should be done long before with all members of family present.
Our homes , and life style are not what they were 50 years ago, most are couples who both work, homes are smaller, some still have teenagers at home that require supervision and direction.
Mom and Dad give your children a break, make your arrangements before the situation arrives.

Isn't it amazing how people will try to guilt others do the things they won't?
You do not say where your sisters live, what your moms situation and needs are, or who has POA, but generally speaking, you can place your mom in a senior living facility in Phoenix, or you could move her to one near St. Louis. It is not fair for you to take on this burden by yourself, but if your sisters won't help, then you have to deal with that reality. If you want to go home. then perhaps the best thing is to move your mom. When my parents could no longer take care of themselves at home, I told them that I would find them a place near me (coincidentally, it was Phoenix). But when I relocated to Tucson, and got a call at 2 am to come pick my mom up from the hospital, I told them they would have to move closer to me if they wanted my help. They did not having to move to AZ from San Diego, but the reality was if they wanted my help. That was what they had to do.
I suggest you check out senior facilities in St Louis before moving your mom, and have everything in place for her when she arrives.

Tall them Dr. orders & your family's insistence. Tell them it's THEIR turn now - To help in person or a financially or to coordinate help. You had your turn and you're passing the Baton to them. Ignore their text and you can block them if you wish. Please don't feel guilty

Do any of the sisters live near mom? Do they live near St Louis? Perhaps it is time to relocate mom closer to St Louis so you can be near your family otherwise you will be stuck in Phoenix for a very long time.

When you get a guilt trip message, flip it back using their own words. Call a family meeting on the best way to get her closer to everyone so that everyone can help. If everyone spread out to far, then get her moved closer to your own family and tell them in order to keep her in your home you need commitment of $ to pay for in home care X days of the week (if it's not possible with her income). If she has income to pay for care, use it several times a week to help yourself.

1 - your sisters are trying to guilt you into continuing caring for her so THEY WON'T HAVE TO DO IT - if you cave then you will continue getting sick

2 - tell them that the only person who can criticize you is the one who has done 6 months or more of care for your mom otherwise they need to shut their yappers

3 - your sisters are the ones who are being selfish not you - you have done your time in the trenches so it is time for someone else to step up to the plate

4 - your widowhood doesn't come into it because they think you are 'free to help' rather you have more personal trials than they have to deal with - gone is the time when a single woman was fodder for the family to throw all the crappy jobs at

5 - you deserve to see your kids & grandkids just like your sisters do & I'll bet all you have seen them in 8 months is some pix

6 - do not ask permission from them because that means that they have the upper hand rather call & book your flight then inform them the date you are leaving so that THEY can make appropriate arrangement & then do it - I'd give them at least a week but no more than 2 weeks - write out an information booklet on the 'CARE & FEEDING OF MOM' for them to use

7 - don't be surprized if your mom is either moved close to one of them and/or goes into a home within a short while - congrats for being the first sister to step up & help your mom now is the time to pass the batton to another sister

I see that a lot of people are giving you sound advice, I have to say I've been in a similar boat with my sister who has not seen mom in about a year. The only real emotional and physical support I have had is from my wonderful husband who continually guides me and is such a caring man. My sister is who she is, and I am still learning to accept it. Because anger just hurts me, not her.

The other support I got was from COA -- Council on Aging -- and a great gerontologist and his social worker. They know how to advise you and can help you find placement for your mother. An elder attorney is also a great idea -- either back home, if you can relocate mom, or where she is now.

Because you need a plan for your mother; please don't just walk away, although you may need to continue to tell your horrible sisters you are going to. What can you stand? What do you need? Do you need money? Does your mother? Do you need respite? What can you demand? What is reasonable and compassionate for you AND your mom? And, for those HSs. Think carefully, come up with a plan that extricates you, and follow it!

I have a mantra, well several of them, actually, but I often tell myself to Be Brave and Be Kind. Oh, and then there's "Make a Plan."

Tell them you are sorry but you have to think of your health and family and so one of them can take the next turn. Or have a family conference on what the next move is with mom's care. That is shameful of them and I wouldn't play into their guilt game. If they thought taking care of mom was such a great deal, they'd be there to relieve you in a New York minute. But since they aren't, then you know where they stand. They don't get to decide how you live your life...you do! Be strong, we're here for you.

I am so sorry for what is being placed on you. YOU must put yourself first and take care of yourself first no matter what anyone else does. The fact that you have tried to do what you did for eight months was wonderful but it is slowly destroying you and YOU do NOT DESERVE THAT. It is all falling on you and doing great harm to you and you cannot allow that to continue. Remember too, she lived her life and when the impact of someone with physical and mental behaviors is causing harm and havoc to the caretakers and their families, it is time to STOP. You cannot continue and must not. YOU must be strong and make arrangements to place her at once before you go down and can't get up again. Please understand there are times and situations in life where you simply cannot, for valid reasons, be a caretaker. This is such a case. And, be strong because if your family won't support you - or help - than YOU must be strong and do what you have to do. And sometimes in life we must accept that no matter what we do, right or wrong, it will always cause problems with families and friends. Then, hard as it might be - and it is not easy - get up, walk away and never look back. It will be very difficult for a while but one day you will wake up and realize it was the only and best thing you could ever do - then you will have peace and a new happier life. I know - it happened to me - did that, hard as hell, but I moved on - best decision I ever made in my life. So be strong, place her and go seek your peace. YOU ARE A SAINT.

Mom is not your sole responsibility. Sisters can share the load physically - you stay these month, you stay those months and you stay those months - if viable - Otherwise if Mom cannot afford private in home care - (don't save an inheritance for your sisters - the one (s) who do the least are always first in line for inheritance (been there done that - my Mom caring for disable brother - other siblings got "their" part even though Mom did all caregiving for mentally disabled brother and cost me over $100000 travelling to see her because "she couldn't leave him). Time for all to get together and Find a place for Mom. If they won't assist do it yourself and act as if they are sharing the load by visiting, etc. 1/5 of the time as if they were helping.

Hi Lolli,

I hope it helps you to understand that in making this decision, you have removed the "emotional comfort zone" your in-home care of your mother provided family members, who are unable (for whatever reason) to be more involved in your mom's care. They are merely projecting their own guilt and fear onto you, rather than acknowledge their own inability to take over. I do not judge them--not everyone can be a caregiver. I moved my mom withAlzheimer's in with me for a year and then had to place her in a residential facility because I recognized both my physical and emotional limits in being able to care for her. It was not easy, it was painful and the guilt overwhelming. But even with that, I knew I was making the right decision for her and myself. You would think this situation would make family come together but once one person has stepped up and relieved others from their discomfort, they don't appreciate it when your decision forces them to face the reality of the situation. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Just look for support elsewhere. I talked to supportive friends, and joined a support group. I would like to say that once your family sees your mom is being well taken care of, they will feel alright about your decision, but I can't guarantee that. Caregiving can be a lonely road but there is support out there. It just doesn't always come from the people you've known all your life.
God Bless!

Everyone is being very kind in suggesting you keep your sisters involved in the decisions. I would like to first suggest that you have someone else look over the texts you’ve received to see if they feel the same guilt and hatefulness that you do. Text messages are easily misread and we often put our on emotions into the meaning. The best way to clarify everything would be to have a conference call or speak in person, but sometimes that’s not possible
If there is no doubt that your sisters are truly being mean and vindictive, BLOCK THEM. You don’t have to accept what they’re saying. You don’t have to listen to them act like adolescents. If you have POA or can convince your mom to go to an assisted living facility, please do so. There are places that are really quite nice.
And PLEASE take care of YOURSELF. You deserve it.

Your sisters are projecting their guilt onto you. Don't own it! You have taken care of Mom and done your best. You realize that this level of care is beyond your abilities.
You have responsibilities to maintain your won health. Asking somebody to "give up" their immediate family is harsh.

Talk to your Mom's doctor or local hospital for advice on options. They will probably give you a list of local agencies, churches... that provide services.

Make a list of what kinds of help your mother needs - be detailed. Sometimes keeping a log for a week of all the things you do for her helps.

If mom can't live alone and nobody else lives nearby to provide this care, then the time has come to talk about other living arrangements: live-in caregiver (expensive), round the clock rotating health care aides (expensive), move in with family, adult day programs and sitters in the evenings, assisted living/residential facility (can be expensive)…

Do your research and ask family to help with this. Schedule a family conference to line out options and give everybody a chance to explain how he/she will help. Make ground rules that no one can tell another what he/she is supposed to do. If you are at an impasse, consider having a family counsellor mediate the meeting.

Question: Who has the power of attorney? If it's hard to get agreement then this person makes decisions.

I am so sorry that your selfish sisters are treating you this way. Both of my siblings and I live within 20 minutes of my mom but it seemed like I was the one who was rescheduling clients at the last minute to meet mom at the ER, dr appts etc. I tried to be nice in asking them to take some of the responsibility but I can tell you “nice” doesn’t get the point across. After I had spent 6 hrs the previous day with mom at her cardiologist for tests I’d had enough. I told both of my siblings that they had 3 choices and that was it. 1. My mother is their mother too so they need to step up and help out. 2. I will quit my job but they will have to replace my income with what I am earning (hairdresser) which was a very good income or 3. I go back to full time work and then we’re all screwed! I gave them 3 days to think about what they were going to do and I didn’t back down.

My sister replied “I told you I would run errands for you.” I appreciated that but I do all banking, insurance, dr appts, transport mom to dialysis 4 days per week all while trying to work and have some sort of life. I don’t need errands run, I need someone to sit in the drs office for 6 hrs with mom like I had done the day before, that’s what I need!

Funny when I put my my foot down they stepped up to the plate. I no longer “ask” if they can take her where she needs to go. I tell them I need them to do whatever needs to be done and if they can’t its their responsibility to figure out how the job is going to get done. They both have grown children that don’t work that can help out so it shouldn’t be a problem.

i don’t feel guilty one bit. I had to do this for my health, sanity and bank account and put myself first. All 3 of us love my mother and would never let her suffer in any way but it wasn’t fair that I was the one suffering.

You need to be assertive and put yourself first. Go to the dr to see if your depressed and get into some counseling too. It’s not ok that your health and mental wellbeing has suffered. They didn’t care or they would have stepped up to care for your mom to give you a break. Your sisters are mad because they were living their lives knowing you had taken on all the responsibility of your mother without them lifting a finger. Stop arguing with them over this. Give them a date you’re moving and stick with it. Let them figure out moms care, I’m sure they have transportation, a phone and the internet so tell them to get to it because you’re done.

Good luck and remember you first!

Lolli5 You have four sisters and they get upset about your decision? Well, IMHO they all realize that their world is falling apart as their one sister who gave up everything to care for Mother, has decided to stop doing it. They want you to feel guilty as I believe that none of them are willing to step up and take over. Oh my! Their life would be disrupted!!!
Good for you having made this decision. BUT, let them not change your mind! If they do not help you find a solution, in either taking over, or placing Mother in a home, please walk away from the situation so that they HAVE to do SOMETHING.
I'm sorry, the above may be blunt writing, but sometimes this is what we have to do to make things move into another direction.
Good luck and God bless.

Have they been helping? If not they need to step up, their turn at bat

I would tell them to come and get her or else to shut their mouths. Do you normally live in ST. Louis. Wherever you live, I would start looking for a nursing home. Now, if she has her own home, she would have to sell it and pay for it herself until her money ran out. Or you could sell her home if she has one and live in an apartment and pay someone to take care of her. If she is just living on social security they will pay someone to come out a few hours a week. I think 15 hours. Do you have Power of attorney because you need that to handle her affairs. As for your siblings, tell them to take her or shut the heck up. It is easy for them to say something since they don’t do anything. Block your sister’s on your phone after you tell them how it is going to be.

Do not let them bully you!! You are doing all the work and your health is suffering. Your sisters are the ones who are selfish. Ask your sisters to move in and help out. I think you are being truthful and realistic about caring for your mom , not everyone can do it especially alone. Explain this to your sisters and be firm about it. Don't they care about you? Loving families care about one another, and are there for one another especially in difficult times. Actions speak louder than words. I hope you have a resolution to this situation soon. Many blessing to you!

Dear Lolli5. I can relate to what you are saying. Once caregiving starts rippling and crashing into your health, whether it be physically or emotionally - it is time to make a change. It is a difficult decision. If your sisters are so concerned, let them sacrifice their life(s) for a while. I can’t help but wonder if they might have a respect for all you have done, and with that more compassion.

Good luck. Do what is right for you.