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You’re lucky you have a husband & a job....I had to look twice since I thought I was the one who wrote it...I have the same thoughts...just get in the car & drive as far as I can & keep driving...not knowing where Im going but I think today was the worst day ever. My mother didn’t eat, drink or take her meds & keeps on with these new strange behaviors. Today was a 2 Valium, 2 ice cream cone, & headache pill day . I went to ER w her yesterday & all tests come back “normal “!!! Im 59 yo & mother is 91. I think she is possessed by Satan & was extremely violent today. I had to wear my bike helmet my nephew gave me w chest protector..I just gave up & put her to bed w her clothes on
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She's "guilting" you; my mom used to try that; getting real quiet and acting as if she was a little afraid of me. It made me SO angry.... she probably should have been afraid of me then! (LOL). She doesn't do that anymore (who knows why; I'm just grateful), so I'm able to just say what's what, and if she doesn't like it, we may discuss it, but usually it happens - except when she agrees cheerfully, then forgets the whole thing....

By the way; I, too, have animals (several) that we love that have been with us for years, and we'd not stand for anyone to abuse them in any way, even verbally; you don't have to either; you can just say something like "Be nice, mom; that's my kid you're talking about!" and hope that, repeated when needed for awhile, will stop the behavior. None of this is easy, no reason to let her stress you more....
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ambly02 Oct 2018
Thank you too!!!! It's just so nice to have someone who truly understands exactly what I'm going through and feeling!!!
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Have a caregiver on one of your days home so you have a day to yourself.
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I'm assuming the mass on her kidney is cancer. Is that correct?

Cancer or not, your mother is a guest in *your* home. Your dog is your pet. If she doesn't like life at your place then it's time to let her know that she can depart whenever she likes. Or, she can be appreciative of having a professional aide help you to help her.

No wonder you want to drive away. She is manipulating you...and you are letting her. When I was in the thick of my journey as a caregiver, being manipulated by my in-laws, and allowing myself to be manipulated, I read a book by Roz Chast called "Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?" It helped tremendously as did reading posts on this forum.
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ambly02 Oct 2018
Thank you!!! I will definitely read this book!
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Is it time to consider a change to a facility? You say she is fine except for her legs, but also that she was put on hospice for a mass in her kidney. Caring for her will only get more difficult as the issue with the kidney mass (cancer?) progresses. You sound burnt out now, You have to look after you!!! I am 81 and my mother is 106. She has been on palliative care (in Canada -like hospice) for several years now and is in an NH at a distance and well cared for. Even then the role of caregiver takes a toll on me. ((((((hugs))))
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CaregiverL Oct 2018
No way you should have to be a caregiver at 81!!!!! You have to enjoy your retirement & go on vacation & be with friends!!!!! I’m 59 & exhausted 😩 from caregiving
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A couple of things on bathing. My MIL in a nursing home was showered after transfer from her wheelchair, but the aides always allowed/insisted that she washed between her legs by herself, after soaping the face washer for her. Is this what worries you, or is it her nudity? If she can move her hands, she can almost certainly do this much.

Next does it have to be a bed bath? Can she transfer to a shower chair? I have just written on another post about walk-in baths: Most bathrooms have a central floor drain, so if you remove towels etc and put a blocker at the doorway, you can treat the whole thing as a ‘wet room’. Then use a shower chair and a flexible ‘shower hose’ from the basin. You can get cheap rubber shower spray hoses that will push-fit over a mixer tap. They are not as good as a properly installed one, but would be easy to experiment with. If you wanted to plumb in a proper one, it would almost certainly be a cheaper mod than installing a walk-in tub.

Last, there are many many posts about people who simply cannot get their elders to wash at all, sometimes for weeks. Ahmijoy mentioned holding your nose! If you just told her that it was the aides or nothing, how would she react to not washing at all, particularly if you told her that she smelled?

Best wishes, and I hope that you can feel better soon. You have a difficult job.
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cwillie Oct 2018
I have never seen a bathroom with a floor drain, it certainly isn't typical in any North American bathroom.
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Physically bathing my Mom was hard on me. Being 5 ft if she fell I wouldn't be able to pick her up. Moms bathroom was a former powder room we had a shower put in using up part of my laundry room. It was hard for two people to get around. I sent her to Daycare and they showered her. I noticed she hadn't had a shower. Call and ask the DC why, Mom refused after asking her more than once. She had Dementia but I told her that she needed to get a shower when the aide was able to give it. That I could no longer do it. The aides would tell her "your daughter says u need to get a shower" and she would do it.

You need to tell Mom the aide is there for you as much as for her. That you will not be able to bath her on your days off. Those days are for getting caught up on chores. So she needs to allow the aide to bath her. I never felt guilty because bathing and toileting were not things I enjoyed. I get overwhelmed easily. I think thats why I am organized. Now I am older I don't take on more than I am capable of.

Is this mass life threatening?
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Because you are a Nanny, you have experience with children...or people who act like children,right? You would not tolerate this behavior from your charges, so why do you tolerate it from your mother? When she fusses about getting washed by the aides, look her in the eye and say, “I understand how you feel, Mom, but you need a good wash and shampoo and the more you carry on, the longer it will take. I have things to do and this is what this lady is here for.” I know how you feel about bathing her too. My own mother was Queen of the Prudes. My trying to bathe her would have been horrific and traumatic for both of us.

As for the dog, I don’t tolerate anyone verbally or physically abusing my animals. They’d get the tongue-lashing of their lives. Mom has to know she is a “guest” but the dog is a permanent resident. The dog is going nowhere but if she finds him objectionable, you’ll be happy to make other living arrangements for her, not the dog.

Im not going to ask why you took her, but I am going to comment that things need to change before you crash and burn completely.
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Please give yourself permission to relieve yourself of the guilt. You are paying a competent professional to provide an essential service to your mom, and it is one that you are UNABLE to provide.

I hope no one here says “Why did you take her?”! I took my mom in similar circumstances because I loved her and wanted to be sure that she’d receive good care, but when “good care” became having to sleep on an air mattress on the floor beside her bed because she REFUSED to call for help when she had to use the commode, and when I’d slept on that floor for MONTHS with no chance for respite, my husband, who also loved her dearly, put his foot down and insisted that a 24/7 aide be hired, and when THAT was only partly successful, I tearfully and regretfully placed her in a wonderful nursing facility in which she THRIVED for 5 1/2 years, until her death at 95.
If you have the strength left to do so, have a conversation with her, and lay down her new life plan, and stick to it. She is acting like a child because it’s working for her, and the only thing you are guilty of is allowing yourself to be manipulated, and YOU deserve better.
If you’re not yet researching a good nursing facility, start doing that now too. After assuming that my mom would die of a broken heart within 6 months of placing her, she lived 5 1/2 much better years than she’d lived during her previous 30. Her caregivers doted on her and she loved them back. I still remain in contact with some of them.
You will never be the caretaker you want for her if you’re caring for her at the expense of your wellbeing. No parent ever wants their care to be a source of damage to a beloved child.
Good luck, Prayers, and Hope.
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CaregiverL Oct 2018
That’s the best advice I’ve heard
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What kind of help do you expect your sister-in-law to provide? It's not her mother, after all.

Maybe it's her husband (your brother) who should be doing more.
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Oh Ambly. I do feel for you.

The shortest route, if you can face it, is to harden your heart/nose about the bathing and hair-washing issue. My first guess would be that your mother doesn't like the way the c/g's do it, but with the greatest care and respect to her - tough! If there are issues such as choice of toiletries, method of drying, very personal things like that, encourage her to say honestly what she does like rather than criticise what they're doing wrong. If it's not liking complete strangers seeing her in the buff, reassure her that they are professionals, they are trained and discreet, and it's a lot less traumatic for them than it is for you!

If she's mean to your dog...

I wouldn't know what to do about that either :(

Except retort that at least the dog never gives you any trouble!
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Try having the bath aide come while you are home, that way you can be sure to insist she gets the job done while you are still able to tend to your other chores. Hopefully once she gets more comfortable with the aide and she realizes that you WILL NOT do this under any circumstances you can return to the original schedule.
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