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Over the past year my bride was failing more. We grew up since the 3rd grade together and just had our 55th wedding anniversary. I feel numb, sad, confused, and my heart is broken. She had 5 strokes, 2 open heart surgeries, two brain surgeries, was a brittle diabetic for 52 years, kidney failure, dementia, and her vision was failing. After the last stroke her whole left side was compromised. She could not walk or stand anymore. She had tried therapy 13 years after hospitalization. I didn't want to lose her, but I could not fix her. I have tremendous grief. I did everything I could, but she died in my arms. I wish I could have done more. I didn't want to lose her ever. I'm so sorry and my heart aches. I have thought what else I could do to help her before she passed. I didn't want to let her go. My tears continue to fall even as I write this note. I don't have a purpose anymore. I hurt and have one last mission left. It is both her and my desire to be interned at Arlington Cemetary. I love my bride with all my heart. I'm so lost.

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Be gentle with yourself. She is near but no longer in pain.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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Flyguy, please accept my deepest condolences for the loss of your beloved wife. What a love the two of you shared, not only through 55 years, but through severe trials that many others would not have been able to withstand. And you bravely saw her through to the end, as agonizing as it must have been for you to witness.

Thinking of you as you mourn your dear bride. 💐
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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Oh, Flyguy, I remember your prior post to us. I am so dreadfully sorry. And sorry for all your wife had to go through. I am so thankful for your undying love for her, and your ability to be at her side to the very end. I fully believe that the devotion will help your healing. There was nothing left unsettled between you; the love was there and you were daily proof of that.

I hope that in this loss you have known and feared so long that you will at some point be able to look at the relief of an end to her suffering. No one should have to go on longer in a crucible of suffering because we cannot give them up. When I lost my dear brother I lost the man who had stood Hansel to my Gretel in every dark woods. I could not imagine a life without him and his support, without knowing I could share with him. But he had been diagnosed with probable early Lewy's dementia, and he knew what it would mean to him, and so greatly feared the loss of himself to this disease. He longed to die before it could get him, and he did, one and one half years after his diagnosis and before he could suffer. It would have killed me to see him go through agony. I would so rather see him go to his peace. I was so thankful he was able to. BUT do I miss knowing he is here? Oh, my. There aren't words to talk about that.

Do know, flyguy, that your love and your memories and ALL you shared, the good and the bad will never leave you. She will always be there with you. I am so very very sorry. But she was so very lucky to have you to see her through that dark woods.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I'm so sorry. {Hugs}. She knew you tried and she knew how much you loved her. Don't guilt yourself.
You will get through this. Just know that she knew how much you loved her. I can see it through your post, as well. I wish you much healing.
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Reply to Tiredniece23
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I am so sorry for your loss.
Hope in time you find purpose in life.
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Reply to Evamar
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How very blessed you were to have such a loving relationship with the woman you loved for 55 years. That is a true gift for sure.
And you are right....you could not fix her. But you also didn't cause her illnesses, and I hope in time you'll be able to move forward being thankful that your bride no longer has to suffer.
I would recommend getting some grief counseling either with the support group Grief Share or through hospice(if your wife was under their care at the end)or elsewhere, as that will help you see that life does go on and that life is good, even without your bride.
I know it doesn't seem that way now, but give it time.
And cry all you want as "crying is a way that your eyes speak when your mouth cannot explain how broken your heart is."
I pray that God will give you His comfort, peace and strength in the days, weeks and months ahead.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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From what you have written you did everything humanly possible to help your wife.
There is nothing more you could have done.
And it also sounds like she lived much longer than others in her same medical condition.
It hurts! It hurts for a long time. (after 8 years I still hurt. Sometimes more, sometimes less)
You are raw right now.
Please give yourself time to grieve.
The week my husband died I was sitting by his bed and talking to him and I was crying. I suddenly thought ..these tears are selfish ones. I am crying because I am going to lose him, I am going to miss him, I was the one hurting....it was all me, me, me. He would not have wanted to continue to live the way he was, a shell of the person I fell in love with 30+ years before. No longer did he laugh, no longer were his blue eye twinkling, this was not him. I told him I was going to miss him but I was going to be alright. He died a day later. (It still felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest .. sometimes it still does)

Be kind to yourself.
Please seek out Bereavement sessions. Hospice often will have sessions, your local church or place of worship. Or contact your doctor for referrals.

Crying is a way your eyes speak when your mouth can't explain how broken your heart is.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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My deepest condolences on the loss of your beloved bride.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Hi flyguy, I am so sorry for your loss.
Your Bride is at peace now. It sounds like she had many struggles, and struggled through them , so you and her could have more time.

You did the very you could, she new your love for her, and I'm sure you gave her a beautiful life, as she did for you.

You can get through this, so the hurt is less over time. She is alive in your memories.

🙏😥
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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I’m very sorry for your loss and the depth of your grief. Your wife was clearly beyond special and so very blessed to have had you in her corner. I’ll disagree about you not having purpose as I’m sure you do, I don’t believe any of us is left here without purpose. I had the privilege of watching my dad after he lost his beloved wife of over 50 years, my mom, as he built a life with a new purpose. He never stopped missing her as he reached out to so many. He reconnected with old friends all the way back to his school years, old colleagues from his career, and many others who’d crossed his path. He became a huge encourager to so many as he reached out to others who, like him, were aging and lonely. He attended new dinner groups, lunch meet ups, exercise buddies, phone calls of just checking in, volunteering, so many efforts to reach out to people. I can’t know your purpose but I’m sure it’s there. I wish you healing and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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