He had a seizure in June and has deteriorated…not incontinent but struggling in different areas. It’s 2 1/2 hours away. This is the lowest point in my life coupled with the hardest decision. I miss my best friend and have bouts of crying hoping I’ve made a good choice. Keep praying for a miracle.

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I went through this in February, almost identical situation. We've been married 43 years. My friend, my husband, my love, still knows me and our children and doesn't understand why he's there. Heartbreaking. Its the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Uncontrollable grief and sadness, I'll never be the same.
Finding a support group really helps, and supportive friends and family is a must. It'll get easier with time, I promise❤
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I’m so sorry. I’m in the same exact boat. Waiting now for a date to place and I feel the same as you. My health is also now at risk and I’m crying all the time. Hang in there. We are making these choices out of love for our husbands. They need to be safe and we’ll cared for. My husband now needs a level of care I can not provide to him at home. I adore him and I will be by his side at the facility as his wife and advocate . Hugs to you. Be proud of how much love you are giving to him💜
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I’m so very sorry for what your going through. That decision hasn’t arrived yet for me and my husband, but it will.

You are making the right decision…If you can no longer care for your husband, the only choice is a care center. If the closest/most cost effective is 2 1/2 hrs away, so be it.

Do you have a support system in place…friends, family, online, phone…anything and everything so you can vent and not feel so alone? Listening to others share their stories. Offering others empathy, sympathy and whatever help you can will also help you during this time. Crying is fine. Cry till you have nothing left. Who wouldn’t? But after you’re done crying, stay occupied.

Make plans for your future. I don’t mean to sound trite, but stay busy, don’t just sit and dwell. Yes, you will cry off and on. Probably for some time.

Go out with friends or stay in and deep clean, reorganize. Not sure how fit you are…exercise, walk, heck repaint a room. I know you think hearing BS like this is so not helpful, but really, find something you enjoy to do, it will help. Have people over to keep you company during this transition. Do you work? Maybe consider a part time job or volunteer work after you get your husband settled. I imagine getting your husband situated will take some time. When you drive to see him, listen to music, podcasts or audiobooks you enjoy. Stop and have a bite to eat at someplace you like. I know…eating alone sucks, find whatever small positive you can, pick a restaurant you want, take as long or as little time as you want, eat dessert first if you want. All these things are small and silly, yet it’s all these little things that add up. Or maybe friends or family can join you sometime for the ride.

The first few visits (esp the goodbyes) will be tough. Take some time before you get back on the road to cry. Stay safe.

You are making the right choice, please know that. Your best friend needs proper care. Stay strong, you are not alone. People have to make these difficult decisions all the time. If others can get through it, so can you. I wish I knew how to make it easier, but there just isn’t any easy way.

If your husband could advise you, what would he say? Lay down and cry until you die or do the best you can to make your life happy?

This period is a rough one for sure. Do the best you can. You aren’t alone.
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Thanks to all for the positive responses, loving comments and prayerful thoughts. I’m deeply thankful especially from all of you who are traveling on this journey. My prayers are with you as well.

The MC is near a town we lived prior to retirement and area that I would return to in the future. My daughter and brother are about 30 minutes away and we have friends living close by. The facilities closest to us are like glorified spa retreats with theaters and happy hours since they are AL/MC which needless to say he wouldn’t be taking advantage even though they said some MC do. The cost is reflective of that. The MC is still expensive but appears that the staff is well versed in the best practices in dementia care and do not dismiss residents if behaviors arise. This place provides the furniture if you prefer, new mattress and bedding etc. They will even decorate the room themed to your LO interests which leaves you to bring personal touches, clothes and whatever items are necessary for his transition.

I do believe I've tried my best. He goes to a top neurologist at University of Penn, we do weekly acupuncture/cupping sessions, he uses a photobiomodulation device, relaxation techniques and other ways to help him maintain his cognitive abilities He was keeping fairly even until the seizure. He had been going to adult daycare( after seizure) who loved him and was wonderful but he’s a walker and pushed someone in his way. They said it wasn’t aggressive but naturally he couldn’t continue.

We’ve been together 46 years, have a loving marriage, traveled extensively, shared the same career in education, and a fondness for history and artifacts.
Fortunately, I have made many friends down here and have a lot of different interests that I pursue. In my heart, I know he would want me to do the things I love and what we shared together.

Through Penn, they have a grief yoga that I plan to participate on through zoom and may look into a therapist to work through these feelings. We had contacted a elder lawyer about 2 years ago so POA and Advance directives etc are all in order

As so many of you elegantly mentioned, it’s getting my head and heart in sync… myself time to mourn…learning to live the new normal and finally, hopefully emerging a stronger person in the process. Thanks for reminding me that I can do this!

I would love to look into creating a nonprofit to assist people who don’t qualify for Medicaid to defray some of the cost of care at home or a facility, or to help pay for supplies Depends, ensure etc. This is not in my wheelhouse but we will see.
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Grandma1954 Dec 2021
Pat1124, I told the Hospice team that we had that I was “ruled” by 2 major organs. My head and my heart. My only hope was that when time came to make tough decisions the correct organ would make the decisions.

As to your nonprofit, there are resources out there it is a matter of finding them. Once found the difficulty is getting people to 1) Ask for help and 2) Accept help.
I’m in the same boat with the same feelings of sadness. My husband is 72 and struggling greatly. Incontinent of urine but has forgotten so many basic things. He’s the love of my life and high school sweetheart and I know in my heart I’m placing him out of love for him and to keep us both safe. We are not safe right now. While dressing him 2 weeks ago I was bending over to get his pants leg on and he fell forward on me and I injured my back. I was useing a walker for a week. If we get sick or injured we are no good to them. Placing them is a “ loving choice”. Hugs to you💜💜
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YES, you made the good choice. As much as you think you are wonderwoman and superman in a single body, you cannot do this. (Voice of experience.) As selfish as it may seem-and I know it does-you must place yourself before them. Without you they have nothing.

What makes this difficult is that they look like the person you love, but the DONT ACT LIKE IT. That is because their mind is deteriorated. I, and the people on this board know how difficult this decision is. You are scared for them and you are scared for your finances. You will always question your decision, right up to the day they pass away. But yes, you are doing the right thing.
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I am very sorry for your situation. I have no idea what else to say except that it is perfectly OK to be sad. Grief will come in waves, but in time, will become less raw. (((Hugs))) to you.
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Pat, please ignore this post. This poster is obviously a trouble making troll that has never done one day of caregiving and doesn't know crap about facilities.

They only post to make people feel guilty and hurt them.
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I'm so sorry Pat.
You have done a loving thing. I hope you can see that, but the separation must be so hard.
There are many spouses over at the Alzheimer's org. that have had to do this--some have done so quite recently, some are getting ready to take this tremendous step. They would surely be happy to support you in addition to the kind folks here.
Helpful Answer (6)

While this is a very hard situation, I'm sure you did not take this decision lightly and therefore have done it with his best interests in mind. And yours too. Caretaking 24/7 is such a strain on a person. You deserve to be able to sleep and have a life too. A change like this will bring about a new level of grief that you are dealing with. Best of luck.
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