My mom and dad have both trusted me with their health for the last 10 yrs and for the last 5 yrs, I have accompanied them on all of their medical appointments (made the appts, ordered the car, etc), managed their meds, etc. Any given week could be 2-4 appts. This is the hardest part - my father trusted me and I feel in the end, I betrayed his trust by giving up so quickly and choosing hospice. I fought for his care when he broke his hip in June and was there everyday in the hospital post op. Then had to fight even harder for his care when he went to rehab - he was there 6 weeks before he got the mrsa infection - I was there daily and also had to fight for his care and mostly do lots of the heavy lifting ie taking him to bathroom, giving him haircuts, etc. But then he got so sick and I felt lost. When he was finally rushed to the hospital after lingering 9 days in the rehab, he was just so sick and I was continuing to fight for his care but when they mentioned he would have to go back for 6- 8 weeks in rehab with a temporary feeding tube, urinary catheter, bedsore, picc line for antibiotics, etc - I just gave up out of fear that he would suffer to much in order to possibly get better. I feel I needed to give him more time. I was just too afraid. Everyday I seem to meet someone who has a parent in their 90s (my dad was 89) and they tell me stories of how they are bedridden but being cared for at home by a son or daughter. It leaves me feeling broken that could have been my dad.
If you haven't already, it is time to seek professional grief counselling. You have been through severe, traumatic stress, in addition to the loss, and you deserve help to get you past this experience. There is no shame or weakness in not being able to do it alone.
You don’t state your dad’s age or diagnosis; sounds like he developed sepsis from MRSA infection?
Human bodies give up and everyone passes away. I am positive that you as his daughter took the best care of him.
Whatever the disease/illness/condition is/was prior to his passing is the cause of his death, not hospice. Hospice treatment focuses on comfort and relief from pain until one succumbs to their illness. Nature taking its course.
Don’t feel guilty. Think about the fact that all the care you gave your dad helped him extend his life longer & the joy you have to him throughout his life.
Good luck
In the end, there was nothing left to do.
Yes, I could have put her on machines to extend her life....but I would have also extended her suffering. Her pain could no longer be controlled.
if you have ever seen someone linger in great pain...you would never think about taking your father down that road.
yes, I think we all feel guilty for not doing more, knowing more, seeking more resources, etc.
but, you need to know that you did make the right choices. You did the best thing to be done. Accept that no matter the outcome, you were going to feel guilt. If you cannot move past it, then seek the help of a therapist.
My dear MIL had ‘more time’. She died three months short of 100, but she existed through over 5 years that she had told me she wanted to avoid – she was totally bedridden and couldn’t talk, feed or toilet herself. She had asked for another great walk on the beach in winter, pneumonia a second time, but this time no doctor, but she was too weak. My guilt was about that promise.
We all have our regrets. You honour your father best by remembering him with love, and making a worthwhile life for yourself. Best wishes.
Others who went through it warned me how the last month is intense. I kept him with home hospice. In hindsight, he would have been much more comfortable to spend his last month in the hospice house with 24/7 care. My husband was inadequately medicated for pain. In my circumstance, I would prefer to see him sleeping through it, with short waking moments for quality visits with me instead of his waking moments for medical care.
You are suffering from “misplaced guilt”. YOU did not “cause” anything to happen differently than it would have.
I was a hospice nurse and I can reassure you that none of the drugs (Morphine, Ativan and Haldol) are given in lethal doses. Elderly folks process and absorb meds differently and the effects can be stronger and longer lasting. I have been at the bedsides of dying people who were agitated, scared and in pain. That is no way to die. Better to be medicated. They sleep because their bodies are worn out and they can finally rest without fighting the anxiety and pain.
Aside from suicide, the Good Lord is the only one in control of “when” we pass on.
Your grief and guilt will lessen in the months and years ahead. You will have a clearer picture of the decisions you made. Remember WHY you made those decisions-because you didn’t want him to suffer. You did the right thing. It was his time. You were not playing God, you were carrying out His orders to be compassionate to others.
(((hugs)))
I just lost my mother 2 weeks ago. There was nothing I could have done differently. I told them to give her whatever she needed to keep her comfortable.
I am so sorry for your loss.