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After the initial pleasantries of "Hello and how nice of you to come" you are under no obligation to actually have a conversation with her. When she tries to stir up a conversation with you, which she does for show, smile and say "please excuse me" and go talk to someone you haven't seen in a while or use the powder room and take a 5-minute self-imposed time out. I would not let this woman drive you away from your own children's get together.
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If you are close to anyone in that family ... they know her and will know her show.

As for you, don't worry about what anyone else thinks if they are not close to you. As far as she goes, just act like you are fine and keep to pleasantries out in public.

If she, or anyone asks why you have not called her, or them, your answer is simple ... "I've been grieving for my husband of 30 years, so I'm taking time to care for myself right now, not other people. Any of you are welcome to call me anytime." Then move away.

The main thing is I recommend you maintain at least neutral ties and not start a family battle. They are your children's relatives and their tie to their dad's side of the family. So however nice it would be to stick it to her, it's ultimately not in the best interests of your children's long-term family ties. Just put it in neutral, and then you can stand back and laugh at all their antics.
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Maybe she won't show up. Family stuff is strange. You got her answer years ago. She isn't interested in being your friend. I can't think why you would want to bother with her. Maybe as a link to your husband? Maybe she didn't like him or was jealous of him. Who knows? I have seen what I would say is a power struggle once a person forms their own family, that it more important than the one they came from. As a widow, you are really out ot that family. But you have your children and their families. Feel free to ignore her.
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Yes, you two apparently do not like one another, and apparently that isn't a change; you never did like one another. That's OK. Not everyone likes everyone else. You are correct. She will say "How are you", and you will say "Fine, thank you, and how are you". And she will say "How have you been" and you will say "OK", and then just say "Nice to see you" and move on. She apparently was never overly fond of her brother, either. Or the kids. Just treat her like the acquaintance that she is. It isn't a contest to see who was right and who was wrong, who is good and who is evil, who is responsible and who is not. It is time to move gently away from it. You have not missed her. She hasn't missed you. She isn't familiy.She never was to you. So just move gently and quietly and kindly on.
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You don't like this woman, and it sounds as if at bottom the feeling is mutual. That's fine. You don't have to be nice, let alone cordial; just be civil so that nobody suffers embarrassment and nothing detracts from the real purpose of the occasion.
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I think you are correct in ur thinking. Her sincerity is for show. I have been there. I have 4 SILs all by marriage. My DH had brothers and me too. I get along with 2 and don't with two. The SIL my age has never treated my BILs side well. Its always her family. After a visit some 30 yrs ago, I refused to visit again. It took the wedding of their son for us to travel the 12 hrs. We were going to stay in a motel but BIL insisted we stay at their home. The morning after the wedding, we were literally pushed out the front door. They had visitors coming. Yep, long time again before we visited. My SIL is a condescending person. You are just waiting for the shoe to fall. Other SIL probably 16 yrs younger than me so maybe that was the problem. My oldest was 20 when her oldest was born. As time went on, we were invited to less and less. The last Xmas we were invited, everyone there got some kind of gift...but me. Was an awkward situation. Never could understand the dislike. Neither could my other brother. My DH, this kind of stuff doesn't bother him.

Lets just say its a personality thing. Haven't you met someone that u just don't like. They didn't do anything, u just didn't like them.

Me, I would go to the party and be my friendly little self. Allow her to hug you and put on a show. When she says why haven't you called her, with a smile tell her that goes both ways. Then enjoy the party. If someone says anything to you again about you not calling SIL, tell them the relationship was not that close in the 30yrs u were married to her brother.
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