I haven't spoken to my 88-year-old abusive mom in a week. What should I do?

It took me decades to wake up to the fact that my mother will never change. Don't waste you life on a lost cause. Just leave and live your life. Who would take care of you if you all of a sudden needed long term care or financial support??? Get a pen and paper and write down the names. You might be surprised who is on the list.

I agree that Mom may have apologized because she needs you. So you fall back in the old routine, things are good for awhile and it all starts again. Be very careful. Be on your guard. She needs u ,ore than u need her and you need to make sure she knows that.

You've gotten some great advice, Miatagirl. Here's mine, and I hope it's helpful, too.

I think you stay with your mom because you have this fantasy that someday, SOMEDAY, she'll acknowledge you as the good kid, thank you for all the help you've given her, and you'll have a better relationship. If you let go of that fantasy (i.e., truly stepping back), you've lost the mother you always wanted but never had.

I'm not sure she's a true narcissist, though that's not something I can diagnose. She came to make amends. She admitted she was wrong. Usually, narcissists are incapable of that. Give her a few days and visit her this time. Tell her that you want a better relationship, that using the apartment means a lot to you and you're not sure why she would prevent you from using it, especially when Sis gets it all the time. Moving forward, if you're going to be part of her life, she has to SHOW you her appreciation. Payment (since it sounds like she has it) for your services; use of the apartment; courtesy.

This is a very Machiavellian comment, but if you stand to inherit a life-changing amount (and apartments in NYC go for a lot these days), be polite, call her once a week and drop by once in a while. If you have a big showdown and get kicked out of the will, that's gonna be hard, emotionally speaking. I'd hate to see you lose something that could be so useful.

Where I live (in a NYC coop) you can put someone on the permanent "allow in" list.

My current includes my housekeeper, some of my kids/kidsinlaw and stepdaughter.

Can your mom not do the same?

It sounds like you want to please her for little reason. Think about why you're doing that.

Your mom showed up because she needs something from you. It wasn’t because she felt bad about the fight. I suggest you take an extended break. Stop doing anything for her. You can call to talk but stop being her personal assistant.

Back off and do nothing for her. Call APS for a wellness check and send "mother" some phone numbers for Home Instead and other healthcare providers she can pay to help her. She wants to use you till there's nothing left, then kick aside the empty husk, in typical NPD form. Look what she did to your father? How vile is that? Yet you're still expecting her to magically transform into the mom you never had but always wanted. Not happening, my friend. You were dealt the hand you were not to break you, but to make you stronger!

Check out this article:

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/

One of the best I've come across.

There is a closed Facebook group called Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers you can join. It's a bit much, imo, but good to learn some tips about going no contact, low contact, and grey rocking when forced to meet up. The stories are hair raising over there and in my experience, the idea is not to dwell on the past hurts but to recognize the common behaviors, understand they won't change, that those suffering the NPD disorder are incapable of love or intimacy....only of using people to meet their own needs, then disposing of them and gaslighting them to make THEM feel crazy for mentioning past transgressions they refuse to acknowledge. That's the drill. The ME ME ME ME ME drill ad nauseam. Remove yourself from the person or get sucked into the vortex of insanity they ooze from every pore, sometimes in a very charming way. Making others say OH WHAT'S WRONG W YOU YOUR MOM IS SO LOVELY. Oh yeah? You try dealing with her covert antics sometime and let me know THEN how wonderful the old crone really is. 😑

Protect yourself bc she certainly won't protect you, as you've borne witness to for ages now. It's like Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football, except you keep getting hit in the face with that ball. It's up to YOU to say "not ONE more minute of this will I ever tolerate again".....much like we do in a divorce.

Best of luck taking your life back once you finally acknowledge the evil woman your mother is. I've heard a lot of stories but allowing a husband with AD to starve is right up there at the top of the list of the worst. Shame on her. I truly hope you'll take some of the more useful advice here and get this monkey off your back.

Thank you. Wise words.

Join an online Narcissist Support Group. Psychiatrists only prescribe drugs. Therapist are generally inept and not as educated with nuisance of sociopathic covert narcissists which your mother and sister sound like they are. You need very specific support not a general therapist or general psychologist.

You are what is called an “Empathetic” person. Narcissist and sociopathic people see you as weak and take advantage of these people like you. You are empathetic bc you are kind, helpful, put others first.

You need to learn to respect yourself and not just vent to others but take action to respect yourself. Then your mother and sister will. They have spent their entire lives using you and misblaming you.

Once you start standing up for yourself without anger and seriously and not help as much, they will need you. Now they don’t need you since you give for free and accept the abuse then get a angry like they force you to. Redirect your anger. It’s okay to be angry but they will use it against you.

Read books on narcissists. They abuse empathize people who are reasonable so they don’t have to do the work. They are very dangerous people. Stay away from communicating w your sister. You have no legal right to discuss your mothers situation with her anyway unless a medical power of attorney makes you as signed previously by your mother. Your duty as a caretaker is only to your parent no one else.

Stop updating and venting w sister. start TELLING your MOTHER when you will use the apartment. It’s not your sister’s. Ask mother for key. Cut out sister if she is selfish and disrespectful. She is not who you have duty to help. You discussing things with sister is the problem. You care for your parent NOT your sister. That is the legal duty of a caretaker.

Sounds like you need a cooling off period before you head back in the trenches. I’m sure she’s just fine. If moms not okay you will hear all about it.

Next time I wouldn’t ask here to stay in the apartment . Just help yourself.

Your anger, while justified only harms yourself. Abusers want to anger you. They gain power over you when you are angry. Don’t fall for it. So instead, re-route your anger into writing or hire a writer to express your injustice and pain. Say it without pride, ego, anger. Express yourself to show they are problem in all you have tolerated and don’t they wish to be kind.

Writing will also be therapeutic for your reasonable resulting anger they have driven you to. It’s psychobable when others say it’s wrong to be angry.
Anger is a normal reaction to injustice. After the abusers abuse, marginalize, treat with lower respect their victims so much, they create reasonable anger in response then falsely claim you are the one with problem.

This is called “reactive abuse” look it up. You merely reacted to their abuse after they degrade you for so long. Then they can prove you’re the problem.It’s an involuntary tactic of sociopathic ppl who have no sense of empathy for others in family and wish to control,dominate you.

Join an online Narcissist Support Group if you don’t have time for therapy which most therapist are inept to intricacies of covert narcissist, so they can give wrong advice sometimes. There is actually an expert in Narcissist Abuse of Victim in NY who attended Columbia. She has written a book or two.

Never be alone with abusers.Always have impartial witness;bring a friend. Bring in a mediator with your mother, so she can observe and speak on your behalf. Amediator is best bet, bc your mother and sister will never become reasonable wo independent party giving them insight to how they appear. Don’t tell your sister. Often abusers want to appear to others as the good guy, the victim, the helper. So if a mediator can express your injustice to them and say outsiders won’t like their behavior of harassing, degrading, marginalizing you, they will not want others to see this. Hence. It is in their interest to not let others perceive how harassing, uncompassionate, anti-family, non-empathic, unfair they are. They want others to see them as a Saint.

Rerouting your justified pain, anger is paramount or you will have higher heart disease, stroke, depression. Yoga even at home on app or TV app to cleanse your soul is needed. You need to experience times to reset your brain for mental health, to strength, give context to what they do to you. They are sad, unhappy, selfish if what you say is true. There is no doubt you are completely correct.

They will never stop and you cannot control their behavior and mind-set unless you bring in a mediator, write your mother, at first to your mother to speak on your behalf. Your mother is key person to let understand what’s she is doing to you.She can then influence your sister. And perhaps even with a mediator they will not stop nor attempt to show equality and compassion for your opinions and position. They’re evil, self-serving, inhumane toward you. A mediator needs to evaluate and tell them this. There are also online mediators who need maybe three online meeting w you and your mother first. Point though is to speak for YOU in person as that will have greatest impact on your mother. Ideally a woman mediator, bc elderly identify more with own sex.

Finally, you need yo exercise outside to reset your mind toward peace. Your mother will not live forever,will be unable to speak clearly one day soon. Time has way of even-ing the score for you aging is humbling esp to narcissists.

If she has cognitive impairment, her harassment of you, which it is illegal, may not be reflective of her thoughts for you. Often elderly are far kinder to non-present sibling as inducement to get them to call and be there. The present sibling is taken for granted, so abused and an easy target, since he or she is there helping.

Millions are in your shoes dear. It’s an unbearable cross to bear wo outside support from mediator, Narcissist Expert Support, mental cleaning yoga, walking.

You matter.

How much is that NYC apartment worth? What's your mother's will say? Is everything going to be left to your sister? Sounds like your mother has some means, and if you're cut out of getting any of it when she dies, exit the scene now.

Even if you are in the will, back off from doing things if your mother won't let you use the apartment.

How many hours a week do you spend doing things for your mother?

BTW, I know people always say that money means nothing to them, but then we also see people often complaining when they are left out of an inheritance.

Yes, I too went back and read ur posts. You have been posting since 2020 with a number of responses.

Do you have a key to her apt? If so I just would have gone and not told her. Really, you weren't throwing back at her that you helped set up her apt, she turned it back on you.

Why a parent favors the child that does nothing for them and s**ts all over the one that does for them will never be understood. You deserve an apology and I would do nothing for Mom till I got it. Then you need to set boundries. Your Dr should help u establish them. When Mom gets started, you walk away. Hang up the phone or better don't answer her calls. If your out running errands and she starts, take her home. Just because she is a parent does not mean u need to take the abuse.

I had a friend I knew from Highschool. She was a Debbie Downer but not a bad person. Just someone who got in her own way. I had done things for her over the years. She called me one night and left a message screaming at me about something I knew nothing about. I tried to call her back and texted her she chose not to call me back. I found out she received the wrong info and I am sure the person who gave her that info told her that. I waited for an apology but never got one. She ended up in a NH. I sent her books and cancer caps. When she asked a mutual friend to have me call her, I did. Not once did she apologize. Because of COVID I could not visit. See, I am always there to help friends. And when I get treated this way, I back off.

I went back a read your previous post:
"Asked July 2021
My mom mistreated my dad. How can I care for her lovingly now?

When my dad developed dementia, my mom became abusive toward him. She'd lock herself in her bedroom and leave him to wander around. She'd refuse to feed him, and he wasted away--I finally insisted on taking him to the doctor, where I learned he weighed 99 lbs and was at risk of death by starvation. She would tell my dad, "Goodbye! I'm leaving and never coming back!" and drive off for hours. He would call me, sad, and I'd have to drop everything and race over. One night I caught her shaking him. I went to call the police and she ripped the phone out of my hand and beat me with the receiver, and also bit and me. I got the police and Adult Protective Services involved. Nowadays, she denies any of it happened, saying, "I don't know what kind of psychosis you were under to believe that." (My husband had seen her do this stuff too.) Now my mom is in her late 80s and is frail, and depends on me often. But when I think back to how she abused my dad, it still makes me angry. I often think she doesn't deserve better treatment than what she meted out to him. How do I get beyond this, and help her without being begrudging and reluctant?"

Why would you want to have anything to do with her is beyond me.

In your shoes, I would call Adult Protective Services and report her as a vulnerable elder who has no one to care for her.

Nothing, let it be, take a loooong break from her. I haven't spoken to my mother in 12 years, I work behind the scenes supporting him dealing with my mother who is in AL.

98 and real B on wheels, he was always her favorite, he was the Golden Boy and I was the scapegoat, he is now the Golden Goat! She is driving him nuts and he is on his last nerve.

She has told you who she is...........believe her.

I can only suggest that you seek out therapy for yourself so that you can cut the cord with Mom who is never going to give you what you need from her. You are enabling her poor behavior. You have an agreement; she is the abusOR and you are the abusEE. Talk with Sister, as she seems to have found the answer to this


Nowhere here do you indicate that your mother is in any wise disabled. Leave her to her own devises and enjoy time with friends and family of your own who care about you. She is simply a bad habit you need to break.

If you prefer not to see a Licensed Therapist do consider a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice. They often are very good at cutting straight through to the heart of the matter in generational struggles.

Remember, you will be treated as you ALLOW PEOPLE to treat you. It is your choice.