I hope my question doesn’t appear too insensitive, but I could use some feedback…

At the point that your mom might be nearing the end, you will have to do what you think it best. As others said, NEVER promise the no nursing home option. You don't have to say no, but something vague like "I hope it never comes to that".

Be prepared though. As we all know, anyone can die at any time and often there is absolutely no advance notice. So you are not going to be able to control where she dies. My dad had a stroke in my living room and it never bothered me too much. When we still had the chair he slipped out of, I could "see" him there sometimes but that went away when we got new furniture in the living room. Not to get rid of his image, just because we needed it. That's an option - redecorate, move the furniture around, etc.

I'm sure you can find a way to deal with it if it happens again. Death is part of life so try not to get too freaked out about it.

Good luck.

If your mom ends up with a slower dying process, you can always get hospice involved, and when she gets closer to actually dying, you can have her brought to the hospice home where she can die at peace there. That way she won't be dying in your home. And the hospice homes that I am aware of are quite beautiful and peaceful. And the cost of it is covered 100% under moms Medicaid, if she dies within the week, otherwise there is charge to keep her there.

My dad passed away in his bed many years ago. My husband and I came home for his funeral. My mom was staying with my sister's family, so my husband and I stayed in my parents' home. We wound up in the very bed where my dad died. We just changed the sheets, which we would have done under any other circumstances. I knew my dad loved me unconditionally, and he was a practical person. So it just made sense to sleep in his bed.
My husband passed away last November. He was bed bound in a hospital bed, which I had located in our den. He was in that location so I could keep an eye on him all the time. He had a nice view out of the doors in both directions. I couldn't very well let the location where he died haunt me. My solution was to place a huge, beautiful Christmas tree in the spot where he died. It helped chase the sad feelings away re the locations. I'm now in the process of redecorating the room, which was long overdue. I had put everything on hold during the time my husband was declining so as not to create stress. Again, my husband and I really loved each other, so no spooky feelings about where death occurred. He wanted to be at home, and I was blessed to be able to care for him.

I think you've made yourself perfectly clear that you do NOT want your mom passing in your home, and that's not insensitive; it's your wishes and that's fine. You shouldn't be 'talked out of it', you should have your wishes honored in this case. Nobody can say when your mom will pass, naturally, or that 'it will happen within this year or the next year', unless they have a crystal ball or a hotline directly to God's phone!

When the time comes that you feel hospice is required, get the doctor to write an order for an evaluation. Once approved, have mom placed in a hospice house/facility where you can go visit her daily, and where she can be tended to 24/7 by their staff. "Being adamant" about not wanting to be in nursing home is actually a selfish statement for a parent to make, and does not take the children's needs or wants into consideration. Life doesn't always pan out the way we'd like it to, or turn out to be a neat and simple process, especially where death is concerned. I think it's 100% fair and reasonable to have mom placed in a hospice facility when she is approaching the end of her life; that's not a 'nursing home' and you'll have done the most you can for her by the time that determination is made.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation

Here are two different approaches. The first is to move mother into a different room when she gets closer to the end, so that she will not actually die in what will then become your own bedroom. (Or of course find hospice that provides somewhere different, as already suggested). Perhaps move her current bed to a different position in the room and leave it there for a while before moving it to the different room, so you don’t have a mental picture of mother in exactly the same place in the room when you ‘re-purpose’ the room.

The second is to ‘get over it’. Like your own concern, this does sound a bit insensitive. However most houses of any age have had deaths take place in them, and older houses have had many births/ stillbirths/ illnesses as well. If you read Dorothy Sayers murder mysteries, in ‘Busman’s Honeymoon’ Lord Peter Wimsey says that generations of his ancestors had been both born and died in the same bedroom and in the same carved bed (I think they changed the mattresses!). This was when the honeymooners were facing a night in the murdered man’s bed. I’ve read of young couples being determined to ‘build their own house’ new, to be absolutely positive that no-one had died in it. It’s not very intelligent – if a child died, would they move out?

When I have a disturbed night, I sleep in the single bed that was my mother's. When my elder sister Mary was 15, me 12, younger sister 9, we shared a large bedroom. My grandfather (who lived with us and my single mother) died at home of cancer, and in a week or two Mary moved into his room. My mother wouldn’t have put up with a difficult hissy fit at such a stressful time, but I can’t remember that Mary ever raised a problem with it. There really wasn’t much choice, and leaving the room empty wasn’t sensible.

I’d certainly plan on a redecoration of the room, different color, different bed (presumably queen will be necessary instead of single/ hospital), different curtains, different furniture position etc.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, Margaret

My mother wanted to die in a place other than at home so there wouldn't be that kind of sadness associated with the family house. She passed away comfortably in the nursing home just after I had visited her on Thanksgiving. And even many years later I never have sad thoughts on Thanksgiving but instead remember what a wonderful person she was. That's the kind of person and memory to give thanks for.

Good on you for thinking ahead and trying to find a path that won't leave you traumatized. Given your mom's age, once 'something' happens and she is clearly getting sicker, that process can be fairly rapid.
Look around now for a resource for you - a counselor who is trained in bereavement issues. Not the same as ordinary grief/loss or depression. Sorting out the impact of your father's death now will help a lot to allow you to be present to your mother and the current situation.
To find someone with bereavement training - ask your MD, ask the local hospital social services department, ask the local hospices (non profits often have more resource suggestions than the profit ones), ask your friends if they have a good therapist and then ask that therapist about bereavement vs. depression. And if talking to the first person does not help, try again.

Worked as a hospice nurse, and really hope you are able to find some effective support.

Mom can be as adamant as she wants but you never know what the future will bring. Please, never promise her that you will not place her. She is 90 and her body is wearing out. If she doesn't have major health problems she may in the future. You may not be physically able to care for her. She may have a stroke that fully incapacitates her.

Are there hospice homes near you. My Aunt was in one and said it was really nice. Medicare pays for the care but not the facility, so that would be private pay.

I’m sorry you are going through this difficult time. It takes a very brave person to step up and be an end-of-life caregiver. Sometimes you might feel broken, but the fact that you have done this for your parents evidences incredible strength.

Many people on this forum will understand your PTSD.

The best way to change your fear may be to adapt your outlook.

All planning around death brings no guarantees.

i have had problems with similar spots in my home. Short of moving, I’ve come around to regard these sites as places of love, life, comfort and courage.

I was concerned when one of my young teens experienced my mother’s passing. I was specifically considering she might need counseling.

Several days after Mom died I was worrying about the fact that my daughter had been there. I asked her how she was doing with the experience and, to my surprise, she said she was grateful. She even said she would have been devastated (she specifically
said she would not be able to forgive herself) if she had not been there for her grandma to help her through at such a terrifying moment (for my Mom).

These words have helped me with my own internal struggle.

I don't want to be insensitive either, but can I just ask a bit more about your father's death? What are you remembering when you look to where it happened?

The thing is. Come what come may, you are not going to have the same experience with your mother. Of course that doesn't mean it's something you'll want to dwell on every night, staring at the ceiling... "sheesh. Six inches from my left shoulder...." but it *may* mean that you're dreading a paper tiger.

Practical matters: do you have a room in the main house where you could set up a hospital bed and comfortable, cheerful furnishings ready for when she needs hospice?