I just had a crisis with my mother and came here because I can't calm down. How do you know when it's time to give up?

Just ask yourself what would happen to her if you died? Where would she go then? You have done above and beyond what you are able to do for her and now it's time to do what's best for you before it's too late. Older people can be very selfish and make demands which are so unreasonable. My mum can be like this and her favourite sayings are "I can't", "I won't" and "Oh dear". You still have life to live and your mother is sucking that life out if you whilst she is coming to the end of hers. Be strong and do what's best for You!!! Good luck. X

You need to protect yourself, else you'll be a victim and this time, you may suffer a fatalility. Contact a social worker or medical professiomal. Good grief!! GET HELP NOW!

Oh, Honey, you're NOT giving up! You are just making a change so that you can better help her,

Almost a year ago, I was in your shoes. In early August, I wrote this ... " I can't stand her right now. This is sucking the joy our of me. I cant do this any more. I want to be the good guy, not the the bad guy. I'm always the evil bitch instead of the person she's happy to see."

She went on hospice, which helped a lot. I could call them when I was at my wits end and they would come. My sister came to help me. She passed away on August 21st a year ago.

Let me tell you what I wish I had done instead of trying to keep her home to the end.

If she had gone into a memory care nursing home before she got really bad, I could have been with her most of the day and bring her prizes and be the good guy. We both would have been happier. IF you can be a daily presence, she will not only get better care, but you'd be involved in that care and be able to keep an eye out for problems. Don't wait until you get to crisis. Don't call the police. If you are in crisis, call an Ambulance and go to the ER. Tell them you want to be discharged to a memory care facility, not a behavior hospital or mental ward! Stay with her during the hospital process, they'll likely keep her a day or two.

Downplay (but don't omit) the violence aspect. Most facilities won't accept someone labeled as violent. Mom is confused and afraid. She's near the end of her life. Let someone else be the "bad guy," arrive after she's finished with her morning routine, and be the loving daughter she wants. Her attitude will likely change for the better and so will yours.

Make sure to leave the room frequently and come back. This will give her the comfort of knowing that you always come back, even if on a subconscious level.

GET HELP!

Much love and utmost respect to you.

Susan

I promised my Mom too but I've had it mentally with the selfish narcissus behavior. Contact your local county social services office. They will come to the house to assess here for need. Have them cone in afternoon!! They’ll make their determination & send to the state. I visited long term care facilities & put mom on several wait lists. You owe it to yourself to have happiness & contentment. Guilt will eat you up, it did me. I woke up in time!! Best of luck to you!! Keep us all posted.

Sleepless1......in your reply to BLarkin, you state there has been police involvement, APS involvement and other incidents. Why have you not allowed them to do what was necessary to get her properly placed so that you can not be abused any longer and you can at least get into some type of therapy for yourself?? I understand she is your mother, but enough is enough. YOU MATTER!!!! I hope you dont take this the wrong way, we all want you to have some peace in your life...you sure deserve it!!! Liz

The mental health issue - is that your diagnosis or from a real doctor? Although there is dementia, there may be some medication to calm the anger.

To protect yourself, you need to be sure that neighbors or other family members have witnessed or aware of the anger and lashing out. If she did decide to call 911 the police will come. If she happened to be on her game when they arrived and she had the bruises, she could be very convincing to them. (I've seen someone be in a blind rage, talking about something that never happened, call the police and be able to name the president, the year, and other things she wouldn't be able to recall for the past year...blew my mind!!!) Perhaps ask the doctor to give you some sort of written diagnosis that will include becoming physical at times - just to protect yourself.

If the altercations continue or become more frequent, it may require more meds to keep her calm and it may also require a facility. I totally understand about keeping your promise, but there may come a time when your mom is no longer in there. You will know when it's time.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have done your best for her and now she needs specialized care. You have a life to live too and we never know when our time is up so do what’s best for you and your mom and seek help and accommodation for her.

If you are feeling guilty about a promise you made: please keep in mind that even if you did make such a promise, your mother's harassment and pressure since you were a child may have prevented it from being a truly valid promise because it was coerced. Also, no one can make a valid promise to do something evil, so if circumstances change over time, and keeping the promise would be wrong, it is dissolved. It sounds like the damage being done to you is evil - remember, you have rights and human dignity just as much as your mother.  So I would say get her placed for your good and for hers. She is at the point, has been for a long time I suspect, when she needs professional care.

I just went through this with my husband last night. He has Lewy Body Dementia. I lost it last week and called his dr and told him to place him in a home, this is going to take a few weeks to get him in but I can't do it any more. i'm only getting 3-6 hrs of sleep a night. I know this will be better for him and me, just hope I can make it another couple of weeks.

My father became violent as your mom did and although it was one of the toughest decisions I needed to make, I had to put my own safety and family first. As you said she probably won't remember any of it come morning, but this can't continue. You have admitted, you are not strong enough. This is the first step, this is no longer a matter of a promise you made it is now what is best for you and your mom. Placing her in a home which deals with those who have dementia/Alzheimer's is taking care of mom. If it is too difficult, call the police and have her escorted to the hospital and explain have her observed for a few days. They may see her instabilities.

Dear Sleepless, try to look at this differently. You will not be giving up by seeking other living arrangements. You could never give up on your mother. But you need to do what needs to be done. Period. It is part of the continued care you have been giving. Give your mother what she needs. It’s the loving thing to do.

Someone who is a threat both to you and themselves needs to be housed somewhere for their own protection. They need care from people who are trained to handle their outbursts. It's wise to either disengage or have more than just one person to take care of them.

I am so sorry for your suffering. It is time to put yourself first. I know from experience that you are in jeopardy of a crisis of health (physical and emotional) and you have done all you can for your mom. If she was of sound mind, she would heartily agree that her beloved daughter needs to do whatever it takes to insure her own health now. You know what to do. My love to you as you move forward.

Sspeaking from experience you have to put her in a home where their are skill nurse's and doctors you can't do it anymore it's only going to get worse trust me I almost had a nervous breakdown we love our mother's but after a while u got to let go because you're going to loose your self she's 94 she lived her life already you've been doing it for 7 years now. You did enough love your self too take care of your health.

I think you need to see a geriatric psychiatrist for your mother. There are medications that will help moderate her behavior.

Sleepless1, I understand your frustration. We had to put both of our parents in memory care facilities approximately 6 months apart and that was hard. We could no longer provide the care they needed. It was hard but we had to think of their safety (falls and meds) to ensure they were properly taken care of. We see them daily/weekly and they are in a good facility. Adjustments are difficult but it was in the best interest dor our parents. This site is also a great source of comfort and advice. Please use it whenever you need advice or just to vent...I have and I am glad I found the site to help me.

This is hard, no doubt about it. While you are deciding/waiting for the next step look into respite care. It may be a local church or something that provides free care for an afternoon, to give you a breather. You need it!

Sleepless1,

How are you doing?

What's going on?

i read this and felt like I was reading exactly what my siblings and I have been going through. Dad is also narcissistic and is diagnosed with Dementia with sleet Bodies and has violent tendencies. He does everything in his power to make us feel guilty about what we are or are not doing for him. We had to find an assisted living home for him as none of us are physically able to safely care for him - his safety or our own. The hardest thing to do, knowing the reactions we will get, is to say “NO” to his demands and to walk away. Your safety is paramount, both physically and mentally, The route we took was to get an outside guardianship- they can be the “bad guy” and we can lean on them. The court has determined the safest place for (parent) to be is (assisted living if possible) due to the need for trained medical services. Look up local guardianship agencies, they may at least help you find information in your area. Also Adult Services - we had a social worker come out and observe - without us there - to help determine needs. Schedule an appointment with a geropsychologist - they prescribed a medication to calm dad down. Maybe your mom needs a regulating medication? Best luck, I know your pain.

It’s TIME to give up NOW! Your post reeks of desperation, anxiety, frustration, guilt, exhaustion and sadness. It is negatively affecting you now and this situation will only get worse.
I know....my mom was narcissistic and had Alzheimer’s. I thought I was going to loose my mind when she was in stage 5! It was horrible. I felt like I was going crazy. Some of my hair fell out and I would shake when I had to deal with her. I tried a psychiatrist with meds but felt like a zombie. That lasted 3 days. I asked God to help me and slowly I got a grip on the situation.

Sleepless, before you collapse, please check out the memory care facilities in your area. I fought it too...and lost!! It sometimes is beyond human endurance to be a 24/7 caregiver. Your mom only has a few years left. You, on the other hand, have 2-3 decades left. Don’t ruin your physical and mental health by caregiving your mom. You have not failed because you HAD to place her. You CAN’T be held to a promise to not place her when your health and safety are at stake. Who will take care of her if you collapse?

Life was much better after my mom was admitted to Memory Care. She attacked me the first visit but they got her meds under control and she calmed down and settled in.

If you have a partner and or children you owe it to them to stay well, so they can enjoy you for the next 20-30 years.

Last tip-Read your post as if I wrote it. What would you suggest “I” do? You have your answer. I needed “permission” to put her in the facility, so I wouldn’t look and feel badly.
You have that now. Now, for her safety and yours, she needs to go.

May God help you on your journey with her. Come back here often to get ideas and vent. We’ve all been there. Until she’s safely in a facility, take extra care of yourself. Get outside help for a few hours a day, if possible.

Blessings to you.

The short answer: I think about quitting at least 2 times a week! Ignoring any sense of guilt you may be feeling and staying objective, it doesn’t sound like your Mom is now safe at home based on her acting out. You didn’t do this; the disease did. Have faith that you’ve done the best you could; that’s all any of us can do. ❤️

I know from experience how very challenging this is. My siblings and I never dreamed that we would have to put our mother in Memory Care but we did, after we tried everything else. Is she happy there? No, She is miserable, but she was miserable way before that. She has not been the same since Dad died back in 2011 and then other health issues cropped up such as UTI's and depression and falls and isolating herself socially when she lived in her own home.

Is she safe ? Yes, she is and the staff is wonderful. It is costing us for her to be there (sold our family farm) but she needs the help and she is our mother.

I can hardly talk to her on the phone, it is so very sad and visits are excruciating because she melts down when we leave. It seems so fruitless because she is so deep in her misery and confusion.

She is abusing you. She is mentally ill and needs treatment. Her wishes are not healthful for either of you. Put her somewhere where she'll be safe and you'll get your life back.

Dear sleepless1,
you have done your share. It is now time to let professionals take your place and give your mom the best care possible. You have not failed. They push us to a point and make us give false promises. If the show were on the other foot she would have you placed in a facility that could handle the out bursts and swing of dementia.
Please seek help from doctor or council on aging. Get her into a dementia/ Alzheimer’s facility before she hurts you more.

This could have been written by me. My mother is 93 and I am her caretaker for over 7 yrs. My mother is and always has been a narcissist and she is adamant about staying in her own home til she dies.

Because of the toxic relationship we have always had, this has taken its toll on me and I am treating for Non Hodgkin’s lymphoma for the second time in 2 yrs. My mother is in hospice, but she is not anywhere near death. The hospice people know about my cancer and are doing their best to help my mother.

I will say this: If my mother gets worse, I will NOT hesitate to put her into out hospice facility close by. I cannot help her if she gets worse with her congestive heart failure. She has moments where she seems disoriented, but she comes back. We came close to her accusing me of messing with the dials on her washing machine the other day, and I stood my ground asking her why would I do such a thing!?? My husband was there when we were discussing things - because I needed him as my witness so she couldn’t say I was threatening. Do you see the problem with them when they go off on their narcissistic tangents? My mother could say I am brow-beating her and this would not be the case.

Since then, she has asked me to come and sit with her, but I have not gone to see her. Hospice has been there and I am concentrating on getting myself healed from this cancer. Please don’t hesitate to do what needs to be done with her - for your own health and sanity. She certainly wouldn’t be so kind to you!

You will fall fall deeper into the black hole of her narcissism and I understand your “conditioning” from a life-time of dealing with a narcissist. She will only get worse. But your question to the group tells me that you understand that perhaps it’s time to call it a day and get on with your life. I send you hugs for courage and strength.

My grandfather has severe dementia. The plan was to keep him living in his own home until he passed away. Well, that was a fools dream. His dementia got so bad right after Christmas that he started running away because he didn't recognize his own home or us. He started hitting us too. This was the point my mom and I knew that we could no longer take care of him. We immediately started researching memory care facilities and we found one. The problem was after 9 days, yes, that's correct, 9 days.... they kicked him out for "bad behavior." Bad behavior being, walking around at night and being too active. We ended up finding a new place that specialized in Dementia and it was a Godsend. He is so happy there now and they treat him amazing and we don't have to worry about it him all. He always said he would never go into a facility but now he loves it. Also, my moms blood pressure was getting so high because she was his caretaker, we knew in order to preserve my moms health, it was time to put him in a home. I hope this helps.

It's my opinion that it is now time to get mom into placement. You can be and might be accused of elder abuse and I had this happen to a friend of mine whose diligent lifelong care of his Mom ended in her having an injury and accusing him. Your mother needs to go into placement now or you could end up injured or ill yourself. I cannot see any other answer to this and suggest you now reach out to doctor and social services for help with placement.

After my mom (now 94) started clearly displaying signs of dementia, she got under my skin so thoroughly that I was afraid of physically harming her. I'm not a violent person, but she brought me to that point. Sometimes I think that humans are, afterall, animals. And animal packs turn on critically injured/old ones in order to safeguard their own survival. For instance: I was driving her home after a nice dinner out, and she reared herself back against the passenger door and just bombarded me with screaming insults and false accusations. Being in the car, I could not walk away (as I do in her house), and I'd finally had so much that I balled up my fist and hit her in the thigh. Not proud of that, but it just happened in a flash. She has been in A.L. for one month now, and is striking/kicking caregivers. They know how to handle it -- I didn't. You absolutely must physically (not to mention mentally) distance yourself from your mother. Remember, its a stranger residing in her body these days. Save yourself, and deal with that stranger accordingly.

Eaither put her on HOSPICE AT HOME OR ,INTO A NURSEING HOME BELEIVE ME ITS ONLY GETTING WORSE FROM HERE !!!! & IT IS NOT GIVEING UP!!!YOU ARE NOT SELFISH BUT YOU ARE KIND AND GIVEING YOU GAVE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE TO YOUR MOM !!

I agree, It is time.