I just had a crisis with my mother and came here because I can't calm down. How do you know when it's time to give up?

The time is now.

I'm so sorry for the terrible burden of a parent telling you never to put them in a home. My mother did the opposite - she did not want to lay in a bed in a nursing home for years like my grandmother did, but she wanted and expected to be put in retirement, assisted and a nursing home when/if the time came. All of my older relatives and Aunts did the same. My mother ended up in a nursing home for seven months with Lewy Body but all four children were able to say goodbye to her with no guilt (not that there wasn't a lot of work in between with her decline).

You need to take care of yourself. Now. You've done enough. You are incredibly unselfish to have taken care of her this long. At the very least you need hospice to come in and help, but the best would be to get her in a home and work on releasing any guilt. My sister has a personality disorder and I feel for her now grown children. It will have a lasting impact. Take care of yourself. Please.

You have endured her abuse long enough! Next time she gets violent, call 911 and let them get her admitted for geriatric psych tests. You have the right to NOT be abused! How much abuse are caregivers supposed to take before we place our LO in a facility that can manage them?!? When they attempt to d/c her back home, refuse to take her because she is a danger to herself and anyone else!!! Hugs to you!!

You should not have to deal with this.

Just know you are not alone.

You could NEVER be selfish. You have done the right thing for her. Please take care of yourself. I'm so sorry life is so hard for you right now.

I'm tired of people with dementia. I'm tired of watching them pick at their food for an hour. I'm tired of listening to their nonsensical conversations. I'm tired of their pathetic attempts to make sense of their world. I'm tired of humoring them. I am sick and tired of the whole thing ALREADY, and my mother has only been in memory care for a month! She fell in early April, lay on the floor unconscious for 3+ days before neighbors came in with key and rescued her. Then 6 days at hospital, 4 weeks in a horrid ghetto rehab (where she acquired an infection in an abrasion on her spine, resulting in giant boil as long as the palm of my hand), 4+ weeks in luxurious memory care in the suburbs. I flew across the country and I have put my life on hold since early April. I have been with her for 4-7 hours per day throughout this entire time. I have not even had to take care of her at home--it's always been at a facility. And I am burned out after 2.5 months! So if you're burned out after YEARS--well, you've done far more than I can do! Anything to get out of that situation! Choose the facility wisely--a bad neighborhood has bad facilities, and good neighborhoods have good facilities.

The violence, your own disability, and the fact that you cannot handle her increasing mental incapacity would make me find a place her in a dementia ward at a good nursing home. I believe she will actually be safer and better off!
You must realize you tried as best you could and your own health is at stake now. Stop beating yourself up and feeling guilty. Just realize she is mentally unstable and now has dementia and delusions and what she asked of you is completely selfish and manipulative.

If you continue to try to care for her, you will end up feeling resentful and angry that she robbed you of years and years of your life.

There comes a point where you just have to realize your own limitations and your own needs. Stop feeling guilty about seeking professional care for her.
MY delusional dad argues with me when I visit, but he's Mr nice guy with the aides and nurses. We have never got along and always argued, but I am trying my best to make sure he is safe and comfortable in his last month's of life. He is actually much better off in the nursing home.
You need to distance yourself from her day to day care by getting professional care for her now.

First of all, you are a wonderful child and care giver to your mother. ALWAYS remember that. Your safety and her safety are critical issues that cannot be ignored. If something happens to you, she'll have no one. You MUST take your oxygen first in order to continue advocating and caring for her. Deep down I think your gut is letting you know what should be done. You are NOT breaking a promise if you find a safe place for her to be. My sis and I recently went through this with our mother, though some circumstances were different. We had no choice. Her first few months in her new residence were miserable for her and for us. She's settling in, still confused about why she's there, but the peace of mind I have now, knowing she's so much safer than before, is starting to make me feel alive again. Someone else commented that if you find a good memory care for her, you can be a daughter again, instead of a care giver. While I think you'll always be a care giver, so many worries and fears will slowly subside. Guilt might be an issue for a while, and six months later I still get pangs of it, but ultimately we made the right decision - for her and for us. Take care, and be at peace with your decision.

My personal "Have to do something else" point was SAFETY.
If it was no longer safe for ME to keep my Husband at home...
If it was no longer safe for HIM to keep him at home....
I decided early on that was the point that I would have to place him in Memory Care.
Thankfully it never came to that as he was sweet and kind as well as compliant to the end.
Given only the safety issue it might be time to place her in Memory Care where both she and you will be safe.

You could talk to her doctor about medications but that still will not solve the problem of you not being strong enough if she needs help.
Also side note here you did the correct thing...You do not prevent someone that is falling from falling you guide them safely to the ground then you can call 911 for a "Lift Assist"

You say that you said you would care for her, you would not put her in a home....
First, the person you made that promise to no longer exists.
To care for her is to keep her safe, advocate for her, and be there for her. You can do that if she is in Memory Care.
If she is in Memory Care you can become her daughter first and not her caregiver first.

My mother is similar although she only physically attacked my daughter once. She is a verbal abuser. If she’s narcissist she may actually do better in an assisted living facility. My mother is sweet as pie to 99% of her caregivers in her ASF( not to us) , but then that’s the narcissist personality still going strong lol.
you can’t argue with delusions. If you can’t change the subject you need to leave. You can’t really do that since she’s not in a safe environment. My mother pulled the same” I’ll kill myself” cr*p which she has always used to manipulate me but too bad, she’s not safe , neither are you so she needs more care.
Meanwhile, a therapist helped me immensely dealing with a lifetime of a narcissist parent. It gave me the understanding and courage to say “ enough” and mean it. I didn’t see my mother for about a year . It’s better now , I see her on occasion only with my husband along. Once they know they can’t manipulate you, they either get meaner and have no use for you or realize they need you to take them to appointments etc and have to be nicer or you’ll leave. So a win win either way😉

IMHO, when violence enters the picture, it's time to reevaluate the situation.

Have your mother evaluated by a psychiatrist. They may need to adjust her meds. You should have a rescue dose, a medication that is used to calm her down when she gets belligerent. I would suggest a meeting with the doctor to discuss future plans for a possible placement and between the two of you decide what would be best for your mom. Please do not feel guilty, you want what is best for your mother. You both need to be safe. This is difficult situation and I hope you make the right decision for both of you.

There are a couple of things here that you need to look at and learn about. 1. Sundowners. What you're describing is the daily symptom that happens to most. There are a few ways to help offset the time of when it happens. Switch to daylight led bulbs for the main lights in the room; not the end table lamp. As the daylight starts to drop, start turning on the lights to keep it bright, one at a time if you have multiple lights. The led bulbs will save a Lot of money during the next year. Another thing would be to get active or get out of the house; like go for a drive for 30 min or so at that time. maybe go to a hot dog drive-in or cruise by a local car show for a bit. It will help ease the anxiety of being cooped up. Maybe she might see a beautiful sunset and feel a little better even. 2 Strength. Her mind might be going but; like my Mom; she's gonna still be as strong as a bull when angry. At the first sign of her temper starting to flare up, go outside for a few min. It might diffuse the situation. Don't storm off & slam the door as you leave. Just tell her you need to take out the garbage or grab something from the car or whatever, just a few minutes away will help. 3. Nursing Home. Depending on the facilities in your area, some might not consider taking her because she's too disruptive. The few that are in my area take Medicaid. If she was put in one and they called me to take her back for that reason, none would then take her until she was much further advanced; less physical and easily sedated thru meds. The line in the sand can only be drawn by you. Can you emotionally take another 6 months of that? Can you physically take another 6 months of that? Does changing the lighting fail to help? Does taking her out a couple of time a week not work? The line drawn is where you it's starting to hurt you too much, both physically & emotionally. I hope some of this helps ease Both of your pain. GOD Bless

If you can get a nurse in the house for her, for those afternoon hours when she changes, that can be good.

You have one life, live it. If not you will go down with her.

Your mother attacks you and you’re worried about HER safety?

Your mother manipulated you into making a promise that can’t be kept because of her behavior. It’s time to start acting in your own best interests.

Call social services immediately to determine what can be done to move her.

Give yourself a shot at a life for yourself.

She really Needs to go to a Skilled Nursing Facility Here, Dear, She is obviously Detrimental to You and Herself. Please, Contact Adult Protective Services for More Help...You don't Give up, You Go Now and Get More Help Somehow.

I understand. We try our best to keep those promises but sometimes no matter how much we try we can’t. It’s a difficult decision but you have to keep your mom and yourself safe.

I agree with Dublingercare that NOW is the time, right now. You have done an amazing job. You are not being selfish. You are doing the right thing for her.

The right thing to do is to keep both yourself and your mother SAFE. You have now had an incident that wasn't safe for either of you.

She may be sundowning later in the day and she's unreasonable, and she's not going to become more reasonable.

If fulfilling your "promise" means completely depleting yourself, mentally and physically, is this still a promise that you need or want to keep.

Your responsibility is to keep your mother safe, and keep yourself fed, watered and rested enough so that you can be a good advocate FOR HER. You can also continue to see her and how about this...do pleasant or fun things together!

Once you get her to a place or facility that has a structure set up to take care of her 24 hours a day, I believe..no I predict that the crushing anxiety, pressure, and desperation will start to dissipate.

Do it now, do it right now, do it today. The time is now and there is no more time needed to dwell upon what is the right thing to do. You know what that is. Go to it!

And good luck!

This will sound harsh I’m sure to some but here is how I look at things now that I’ve been through much with my dad. In your case she’s 94, severe dementia and says she will kill herself. No she won’t...so that’s off the table because just how will she accomplish that? That is an empty threat. And even if she could, she’s lived a long life and truly what is the point of living longer with Alzheimer’s? She is 94 with a horrible brain disease. That is actually worse on the caregiver than it is on her because she is living in her own reality and you’re on that ride with her. If she fell on the tile and as you said "breaks into a thousand pieces", isn’t that a part of being old and feeble? Then you go from there and send her to hospital . Something is going to kill all of us and if my dad at this age who is mostly bed bound gets pneumonia from not moving, well I can’t prevent that. I’m much more matter of fact about death now. Mainly because we are living too long usually with ill health because of modern medicine.
Your mom needs skilled help and caretakers before the stress you are enduring begins to cause dementia in your brain.
Ans if she qualifies for Medicaid to pay for said facility then you don’t have to sell your home.
Please get her where she’s cared for and safer.

What a cruel thing: to exact a terrible promise from a daughter (or son), repeatedly since childhood. Best to ascribe it to her Narcissism, and make good decisions unbound by the manipulation of someone else’s emotional illness.

So much easier said than done (how well I know).

No one should be trapped in a commitment secured by coercion.

Your mother endangers you, and has threatened suicide. She is already far past the point of needing relocation to a facility, where trained professionals can oversee her care.

Virtually identical story of my mom, only she is just now 80. Luckily, I got her to the hospital, late in the afternoon, where she repeated her threats of suicide. Couple months prior, she signed powers of attorney. Long story short, hospital case workers found a place in Mt.Vernon IL operated by Petersen Health Care and she’s been there about 4 months. Best move I ever made for both of us. Do what it takes to get her the proper daily care. Both of your lives will improve.

I think you have answered your own question and I think it's now you get your mam either live in carers or join her into a rest home. Look if anything happens to you now, WHO is going to take care of your mam. You can go up and visit her if she goes to the home and she will be well looked after. Give yourself a bit of loving and enjoy life. You have been so good to your mam, but it's time to take a step back.

you may have agreed to look after her but any such promise has been annulled by her behaviour. Its not right that you sleep in a chair. Its not fair to walk on eggshells waiting for her next outburst. You have looked after her as long as you could. Get your life back.

Sleepless
Many of us have experienced stories similar to your. It is heart breaking to watch our mother's and father's decline. We do our best and it just does not seem to be enough. On top of that dementia has turned our loved on into someone else. That alone is enough to bring you to your knees. When I was going through a difficult time after caring for my mother for 7 years, her doctor advised me to get help. I was resistant at first but at some point realized if I was not taking care of my self I could not take care of my Mother. I started with part time in home care and eventually moved my mother against her wishes. Prior to making a change I had a social worker assess the condition and living situation. This helped me in making the best decision for my Mother. What I learned was the care givers could manage my Mother better than me. Second and most important after a few week my Mother did not remember she was not in her own house. She actually enjoyed the activities, bus rides and "happy hour". This may not be your experience but was mine. My mother lived with Alzheimer's and dementia for 11 years. The last 4 years were in a care facility.

Are you the sole caregiver? Every caregiver needs a break or time away.
Is there a another family member you could share the care of your mother with?
Or a relative who could come and care for her while you take a break ?
Have you looked into finding a companion/aide to stay with her, while you take time off?
Its very important to care for yourself during this time.
Try exercise too, it can do great things to remove stress, by simply taking a walk and removing yourself from the situation temporarily.

A Dr prescribed klonapin for combative behavior & it worked very fast. If you can see an 'episode' about to happen even a half of pill will melt quickly in their mouth & calm them down.
My dad fell & broke his back & did have to go to SNF for a while. He was so bad with dementia he just thought it was hospital. He never knew he was in SNF. You can sign her in for rehab Medicare pays 100% of 100 days & at least get a break & see how she does then bring her back home if you feel you have to. After 60 days at home she can go back in for another 100 days fully paid by medicare.

OMG Your Mum walked a mile in the night in what... I looked that up... minus 5 degrees C!!! And she'94!!!

I truly hope (after she moves) & you can start to relax that you look back on that & laugh!

If there is a world prize for tenaciousness - she wins it!

I feel so bad for you in this situation. Even if you make the big decision to move to MC/NH it won't happen within days...

Are their particular times your Mum gets angry or worse?

Instead of you trying to stop her leaving the house, can the front & back doors be locked instead?

Would you consider staying in your bedroom with the door locked or held shut? With a phone. If there sounds of actual damage trying to break a door etc you must call 911.

Safety is your priority here. For you BOTH.

Any physical contact could result in a fall (as you well know) not to mention guilt, pain & potential investigated for elder abuse even.

Oh my. I hope you get some help. You don't owe her anything...other than maybe to be looked after and to be cared for. But it doesn't have to be by you. You're not selfish. At all. If you're asking when it's time to give up? It's time. You can do right by her and you. Please do that. And decisions made out of guilt? Rarely are good decisions in the grand scheme of things.

First of all, it is not giving up - it is getting the care that both you and your mother need!! I put up with my Mom's hitting and hateful delusions for quite awhile, knowing that it was slowly killing me. The turning point for me was when my husband's health started to fail and I realized that I couldn't possibly care for both of them AND keep my sanity. I had to make the choice to help my husband and find a MC to help Mom..........extremely hard but necessary. We all make promises when we are clear headed, not realizing that life has different ideas. Please find a safe place for your Mom and focus on your own health - it's time! Best wishes