I just moved my mom with dementia to assisted living on May 9 after having her live with me since last June. She’s not adjusting, what to do?

I am happy to see that you aren’t second guessing yourself.

You know that you did exactly what you needed to do for yourself and your mom.

Very often, advocates are able to accomplish more for their parents than those who are doing the hands on caregiving alone.

I cared for my mom alone in my home for many years and it became overwhelming.

When my mother entered an end of life hospice care home, she had a professional staff at her disposal. This gives a family peace of mind.

I agree with Lea. Check in with the staff for the most accurate assessment of your mom’s situation.

Wishing you peace as you continue to be a strong advocate for your mom.

She's "not adjusting" when on the phone to YOU. How mom is doing, in general, is likely fine. Trust me when I tell you they save all their angst for US, when most often, they're doing fine! I'd often arrive to see my mother in Memory Care Assisted Living and find her yucking it up with the other residents, having an enjoyable time. The moment she saw me, her face drooped, the frown set in, and the complaining started. Such is the nature of dementia combined with self pity, unfortunately.

Your best bet is to call the nurse to find out how mom is doing. Keep your calls to a minimum for awhile because all you'll hear is accusations instead of anything else. My husband once asked my mother to tell him ONE thing she was grateful for, and for the life of her, she couldn't think of one! She was always a glass half empty type of person, unless she had an audience to play to.

Mom will adjust in time. She's well cared for, fed, safe, has activities and peers to talk to. That's all she needs. Some folks in Memory Care Assisted Living are happy as clams and others are miserable as the day is long. Especially when visitors come by. Don't internalize her words.

Best of luck to you.

How do you handle it?
Realistically.
Welcome to the Forum. When you are here a few weeks you will understand that this is the NORM, and will understand it even more quickly if you speak to the administration there.

I cannot know how happy a camper your mom has been throughout her life, but there is little of "happiness" in old age, and I can assure you of that as I am 81. It is more an endurance marathon.

Look at it this way, your mother's life now is all about loss. Start at the head and go to the toes that can't feel much of anything anymore. Thinning hair, hearing loss, balance loss, eyesight failing, skin a mess, hairs growing our of the chin instead of other places where you need it. The cervical spine is compressing and the neck muscles hurt and nerve pain shoot down the arms into the fingers. You cannot multitask. Your appetite is waning and you're sleep more of the time.

I can go down through the systems. But I will spare you as I think you have been a first hand observer.

Your mother is in care now which is where she should be lest she take down the survivors with her. However, every time she sees you she thinks you can/will/should/must save her. So you are the target for every bit of ill will she can muster, and for her right now anger is easier than weeping.

Here's the thing.
You didn't cause all this.
You can't fix this.
You are not and cannot hold yourself responsible for this.
You need to understand that this is GRIEF for you both. Not guilt, but GRIEF pure and simple. Your mom has had her life. I hope it was a good one because it was her one and only chance.
And NOW is your ONE AND ONLY CHANCE.
I always caution grown children not to sacrifice their lives on the burning funeral pyre of their loved one. I am 81. My daughter is 62. This is the most free time of her life when she will not have to work, when her own son is grown, educated, and flown the nest. When it is time for HER and her husband to do their hobbies, to travel. Are they then to give that up and come this awful journey of death and dying with me? Why? So that an application for Sainthood would look good? Because Sainthood is one very bad job description.

You and Mom will have to endure this tough change as best you can.
I welcome you to the Forum. You can help others and perhaps get some few pointers from those of us who were there, are there, will be there.
Good luck.

PS, you can be a daughter or a caregiver. You can't be both. Assuming the mantle of caregiver makes you the decider, the limit setter, the boss who wants someone to get up, get exercise. Caregivers are not your loving daughter. Don't let that happen. Remain the loving daughter who visits, sympathizes, does her best to comfort, and weeps with her loved one.

Give both of you more time.
Ask the staff how she is when you are not there, when you are not on the phone with her.
A move is a BIG adjustment for anyone let alone someone with dementia.

And there are medications that can help with anxiety and depression so consider that as a possibility later on.