I have checked in on my nutty almost 90 yo mom from time to time. My dad died of ALZ two years ago and she has (to be fair to her, natural) become worse since then but does nothing to help herself. My one brothers thinks my dad never had ALZ but after 60 years with a nut case his system just fried out. I am guessing he had ALZ but she exacerbated it
I can try to divide her issues into two: 1) an anxiety level that medical and mental health professionals have termed as "through the roof," "off the charts," etc. This anxiety tires everyone out as she just vents it on every one in her way. Her doctor told me she spends ten minutes with my mom and is worn out, she doesn't know how I put up with her
My mom had a pelvic fracture last year and during rehab they assigned a psychological nurse to her, who recommended her doctor prescribe a more potent medication. My mom takes (or is supposed to take) prozac, but this nurse said prozac for my mom is like trying to treat a brain tumor with two aspirin. Her doctor would not prescribe is as I think as a GP she is out of her comfort zone in the more heavy duty psych drugs, also I think was miffed a nurse tried to tell her what to do, but the final issue is she said, Karsten, what difference does it make? She won't take it anyway. And she is right. Whenever my mom gets a med she reads every word of those disclaimers and as you know they warn you of all kind of potential things that COULD happen though rarely do.
This past week a brother from out of state came in and along with another brother we tried to clear out her house of all the junk, papers, advertisements and coupons from the seventies, 50 42 gallon contractor bags of just JUNK. That was hard enough in itself, but she was around and bugged us and vented her anxiety on us so we could not even work well. By the end of the week I lost car keys two times and cursed and yelled at a waiter who made a mistake on the bill in a restaurant. I am no saint but have never done that, and just being around her just wears you out psychologically.
That is with everyone, the anxiety and hyperness.
The issue that is exhibited only with me is a demandingness, lack of appreciation and basic attitude I am her slave. I had a forced early retirement but fortunately I am financially OK so don't need a job, but she thinks I am available 7/24. She lives in an independent living facility that has a van to take you to appointments yet she refuses to use it, thinking I should take her everywhere. I guess that is my fault as I had been giving in but now am drawing the line., But then she tells me how much I must hate her, etc
I don't want to hate my mom but I am getting too. She and my dad were good parents when youngers in the sense they sacrificed financially to take us on vacations, put us in scouting, sports, good Christmases, etc. So she has done good things and I want to honor that but I really resent her.
Instead of appreciating what I do do, she just demands more and tells me how much her friends kids do for them. (they don't do nearly as much as I do, as one brother lives out of state and the other has his own issues, so it is me)
I have decided she will never change on the demanding, unappreciative, petulant bratty infant behavior. If I want to stay in her life I will have to accept that. But I can set boundaries and will.
But the high anxiety issue? I dont know what to do about that? She will not go to therapy or take drugs. I suppose I could draw boundaries there and refuse to help unless she gets therapy but she wont go Ten minutes with her wears me out, several days in a row causes me to lose weight, lose things (wondering if I have dementia myself, even though not quite sixty yet) yell at people, etc. I suppose like the selfish behavior, I could just prove to put up with it. My younger brother says I am going to crack, and he used to say that more symbolically. Now I am wondering if I really will go nuts from her.
1. Oh dear.
2. So take a book.
This was a struggle because you are negotiating your role in transporting her to appointments. But you need *have* no role in taking her to appointments. She has a perfectly good means of getting there. The best thing you can do is provide invisible support for van use, for example by monitoring her appointments and making sure her slot is booked in good time.
Is it mildly inconvenient to her that the total round trip time - including waiting, detours to drop off and collect fellow passengers etc. - will be, say, five hours rather than three? Sure. It is inconvenient; but there's nothing stopping her making use of the extra time by knitting, reading, chatting...
Sympathise with her that using the van is not the same bespoke service as you get when you take your own car (or *cab*, let's not forget) or exploit your own children. But there's nothing wrong with it, except that she can't be arsed to book it and put up with the small drawbacks of having to share.
Here is the boundary.
Suppose your mother were in terrible pain, and sitting still or being bounced around for any length of time would be a serious matter. Then of *course* you would either take her yourself, packing plenty of cushions, or you would organise individual medical transport for her. She would come to identifiable harm without.
Her being obliged to join in with other people for a morning and to carry out one small admin task will do her not the slightest harm. That's the boundary. Will this hurt her, yes or no?
Don't discuss, don't explain. Decide for yourself and tell her the plan - nicely!
You're not going to take me anywhere?
Of course I am, I enjoy our trips out. Not this one, though; we'll book the van.
But I'll have to wait all morning - !
Tsk, it's a shame they don't leave more promptly; but they will get you to your appointment in good time.
I thought it was funny as many people said read the book Boundaries. I ordered that book a couple of years back and began reading it and thought, yea, yea, yea, know all that, and in a sense I do.
But to BarbinBrooklyns point, I know it but still dont do it.
And I do not expect anyone to respond but an example is today. She started talking about the van again, say ign it is not always available, you have to leave earlier than you would want to, come back later than you want to, etc. I was about to start with the her time is no more valuable than mine, in other words, trying to explain the logic
Then I backed off and decided not to do that. I simply said, if a medical or dental appointment is less than six miles (the limit of the facility van) you will take it. She said you are not going to take me anywhere? I said I did not say that. I said in the cases where it is less than six miles you will take it, other cases I can deal with (even then, if I was working I would not even be able to do that)
When she seemed to realize I was not playing games, she got almost in panic attack mode, or like Dustin HOffman got in Rainman in his weird situation
Then even I thought, couldnt I do that to make her happy? So still this huge thing in me that just enables her.
But I am holding my ground and she is freaking out. She makes things blackand white. Like I will always help her or never. I said I didnt say that I will help you in cases where you need it
What bothers me more thaneven the work of helpingher is that shewould not on her own want to make things easier for me. Like if she thought, if in some and certain times I can make things easier for Karsten by taking the van, I will, as I do not want to burden him. But she does not think that. I would want her to think that.
Her mom was a saint, never wanted to burden anyone,etc. She would have been happy to take the van. But my mom? She has no interest in making things just a bit easier for me. I never told her I would abandon her altogether.
So all in all I think you have this. You know, and you say you know that you are unlikely to be able to get her to take her medications, so in all likelihood there is no help for your Mom. Your Mom is in care, and that is wonderful because most people in our country with this severity of illness end their lives on the street with families who have thrown up their hands in surrender after years of trying and no results.
So you have this. You know you need boundaries and you do. When Mom needs an appointment then she goes on her assisted living van, just as though you were 1,000 miles away. Or she doesn't go at all.
Get a good book on boundaries. There are dozens of them and one is actually named Boundaries.
You have this. You understand it. You know what you can do and what you cannot. And you live with the constant foment and frustration of who your Mom is. You will have to limit contact with her for your own good. The effect on your Mom is, quite honestly, not of a whole lot of interest to me. She is exhibiting what happens when you co bad behavior. And even those who are mentally impaired, as she is, DO get that. When I used to be floated to the Psych Unit it was amazing to me how much acting out could stop on a dime when people understood that continuing to do it got them into isolation and away from the Nurse's Station, where it was a whole lot more fun.
Wishing you good luck. What a tough thing for your family to deal with. But it does sound that with such a dysfunctional Mom you have all come out VERY functional, and I congratulate you on the strength to have done that.
What this does is it emotionally exhausts us. When I was a child, I used to tell her, can you please just BEAT ME UP and get it over with? So I can have some PEACE in my life instead of suffering through The Silent Treatment or the 100 other torturous techniques shes used (and still uses) to manipulate me and get her way. These women get inside our heads; they plant themselves there like a fungus that doesn't go away no matter WHAT you try to do.
So the answer lies in how to manage them. What lies need to be told so that WE can maintain OUR sanity in the midst of their continuous insanity. Thru the roof anxiety levels have been referred to as 'nervousness' in my mother for 63 years now. My father used to threaten to put me in a convent b/c I was making my mother so NERVOUS. I used to beg him, DO IT DAD! Can we leave tomorrow? It never happened, unfortunately, I had to wait until I was 18 to move out and find some freedom from the mind games.
The pain of mind games is much worse, in my opinion, than physical pain. Which is not to discount or minimize physical abuse that someone has suffered; not at ALL. Neither form of abuse is good or acceptable, but there is just something about emotional abuse that stays inside one's head and wreaks havoc in there; there's no escape, you know?
Decide right here and now that you will not 'crack' and you will not be going nuts from her. That you will read up on the subject of Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissism which I have a feeling you will find a lot to relate to: https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
I know I did. Did it fix the issues with my mother? No, of course not. But it gave me validation that what I'm feeling is due to HER mental instability and it gave me some techniques of my own to use against her. The main take away is Limited Contact if you can't/won't go No Contact. Limited Contact means YOU choose the playing field; the time, the place, the length of the visit or the phone call. That YOU hang up when the nonsense gets too great, as I do: Goodbye mother, I will speak to you at another time when you are in a better mood. That you leave her presence when the ugliness reaches too high a level. You don't deserve to be disrespected, no matter HOW hard she tries to convince you otherwise. YOUR life is just as valuable as HER life, even though she is your mother. One human life is not worth more than another human life, even when one of those lives gave birth to the other. Respect works two ways. Remove yourself from the toxic cesspool and make it a point to respect YOURSELF by doing so. Set boundaries and stick to them like glue.
And pray. I do every day, and somehow, some way, God gives me the strength to get up and do it again. Amen.
Tell us why you are hesitant to do that.
The therapist told me the false belief there is that her life/well being is more important than mine.
But i think I am learning and progressing, but in answer to your question I think it is guilt Lots of good advice here toda y for which I am appreciative, and no problem if people thought i was a woman.
If you die, would she be able to remain where she is? If no, then you need to step back and let the professionals get her into the level of care she actually needs.
Why on earth was she at her former residence while you and your bothers were cleaning it out? Because she demanded to be?
Are you able to say "no, Mom, thats not possible" to her?
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
I would think being high anxiety all the time would cause BP problems and maybe other health problems.
I suggest finding out if a neurologist can help her or a psychiatrist. She may find that medication would make her feel so much better. I can't imagine being like this all the time.
He said exactly what you did. I have this false belief that I can explain things. But I cannot as she operates only in the emotional world and not logical. All explaining does is drag on the conversation and give her more stuff to fret over. So just say, I am nto coming today. Dont say I am not coming because I have been there eight days in a row and need a break, that will not matter to her. Just say no.
It sounds to me as though you still have this expectation that mom will change and acknowledge your efforts. I think that is unrealistic.
The only thing you can change is YOUR behavior and your expectations.
What if you said to yourself (or to your therapist): "my mom suffers from unspecified mental illness. I want to be available to help her, but I need to balance that need with the imperative that I need to protect my own mental health".
How would your plan to help mom look if it followed those principles?
She is impossible to spend more than 1 hr with before I am in tears or have stomped out, furious at her.
DH just sits there, as she abuses me, up down and sideways.
Since I am DIL, I have the 'luck' of simply walking away and stating in no uncertain terms our relationship is OVER. Which I finally did, 44 years too late, but the freedom of not having to even listen to her whiny voice, her constant complaints and negativity--it's worth the anger my DH feels as he thinks we're in this 'together'. When I asked him when the last time was he even SAW my mother, he had to admit it had been YEARS. Why he cannot visit his mom for 1 hr every other week is HIS problem.
It was not worth my sanity to deal with her and her hyper anxiety about EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD. I also have anxiety and she'd trigger me into a full blown panic attack.
If she cannot understand--due to dementia or if this is just 'her being her'..really, only you can make the change.
Dh has learned boundaries, but not how to deal with the intense pain of her anger after he sees her. I would tell him to cut her off completely, but that would leave 100% of the care to his sister, who does not need the grief.
If my MIL lived in a IL, she would have One visitor and one only. DH would happily never speak to her again.
So sad. People have choices to be nice/mean and all in the in betweens--it's so hard to have angry, hostile parents when you yourself are in your late 60's. Just doesn't seem fair, does it?
In terms of her demands and unappreciative behavior, I hope that you have had lots of input on ‘boundaries’ and ‘grey rock’. If this is your fourth post on the same thing, have you had any success implementing the previous responses?
You say that she is in an IL, but is she really independent? If she is only coping because of all the work you are doing propping her up, the main boundary you need is to stop. Let her get help from people whose job it is. Perhaps you can go back to being a daughter, not an unpaid aide or a punching bag.
Also, try being truthful with your mother. E.g. "Mom, you are getting on my nerves. I love you dearly but I am going home now, and I will come and see you again on Friday."
I have observed with some "challenging" individuals that people pussy-foot around them rather and do not name the unacceptable behaviours such as completely unreasonable demands/timescales, slanders, groundless self-pity etc. Telling it like it is can sometimes reconnect you with the underlying person who used to be normally well-adjusted. Don't try it on a genuine narcissist unless you want to be thrown out of her social circle (every cloud has its silver lining...), but with others I've known it work.
People here have said my mom was a narcisisist. I know she has anxiety/OCD but never thought that as she is not really flamboyant. But they tell me there is a covert narcicism which maybe she is
Yes, I agree with you 100%. You need BOUNDARIES and now.
Can you give examples of what she does as a result of her anxiety that causes you so much stress?
But the questions not only annoy me, (and she asks them in a rapid fire machine gun way like a prosecutor badgering a witness (her dad used to say she shoudl be a lawyer, I can see why) but in interuppt what we are doing We are trying to clean out the house for HER, yet she interuppts, and says it is important and just one question (though it is never one question) and if you are trying to work for one hour and a person interupts you with a question five times, it is not just the five minutes of questions, it you dont get anything done. So in this case here is a crux like all of it: She believes whatever she needs, in this case answers to questions) is more important that whatever I am doing And even my brothers who know shes nuts, see that for some reason I take the brunt of it and am her primary whipping post. I have seen a therapist now and then over the years and he says basically, I am her anxiety pill. Whenever she is anxious, she harrasses me to lessen her anxiety.
I think een when she needs physical work from me or errands, it is more just an excuse to not be alone.
I totally understand that her gaslighting makes you question your own sanity.
I feel like a woodpecker is having a go at my very soul when I have to deal with my mom.
Boundaries are your best friend where she is concerned.
You know that she says her garbage to manipulate you, just ignore it or have some fun with it. Like telling her to call her friends wonderful kids when she needs something.
Remember, NO. It is a complete sentence.