I know morally that I made the right decision, but I am now second guessing the impact that it brings. Any advice?

Great big warm hug!

He might actually love being in a skilled nursing facility. Help him give it his best try.

I am so sorry that you are going through this struggle but, you did the best you could and it will all be okay.

You did the best you could at the time. It’s pointless to wish you had decided the opposite. Why tell yourself that it was your right or your obligation to “have set him free to his last journey”? It wasn't. Just keep thinking about what is best.

Oh Abby! I know the feeling!

At 92, my mom, with dementia, already living in a NH started having erratic and low heart rate. Cardio told us that a pacemaker was jot an "extraordinary measure" which mom's DNR and other documents said should be refused. My POA brother ended up asking mom did she want the device and she said yes, clearly after some thought.

I was left thinking that mom, 20 years earlier had always told me that she DIDN’T want to live like that, i.e., debilitated, old, in a home.

I think you did the right thing. (((HUGS)))

Either decision would have left you with guilt. I think since dad's mind is intact you should have a conversation with him about what he wants in terms of life saving measures going forward.

When you hold the life and death card for someone, the right decision is probably the most difficult to make.

What did you dad want to do in this case? Did he tell you?

I know what I would choose for myself if I were in dad's situation.

Your golden child brother didn't change any diapers? After the favoritism shown to your brother you wrote about in another post, I would have let HIM take care of your father (he only lives 10 mins away). He should have been the HCPOA, also.

They ALL SAID “We want to live at home (and if they thought far enough into the future, DIE at home)”.

We ALL SAID “He’ll DIE (it will break his heart, it will kill him) if we have to (seek residential care, put him away, stick him in a nursing home, abandon him)”.

But the FACT IS, many elderly who are physically disabled or suffer dementia or are fall risks or are embarrassed by being cared for by family etc etc, actually learn to love their caregivers, enjoy pleasant surroundings in residential settings, and realize a renewed appreciation for their “new” lives.

I was the “noble daughter” until my own health began to crumble, and my young family came to miss a full time mom.

And as it happened, I DIDN’T “abandon” my mom. I had more quality time with her, and more interaction with her, than I had when she clung to the cozy little home where she’d lived before the fall down her steep steps almost killed her.

Elder life is not for sissies, BUT ELDER CARE isn’t for sissies either. You quickly learn that you have no “good” choices, and maybe ALL the choices STINK, but with LOVE and as much current information as you can pull together, YOU, AS CAREGIVER, SOLDIER ON.

You LOVE your dad, you made a choice with potentially no good outcomes using your love for him and in the heat of an emergency, all the information that was available to you.

And you know what? You couldn’t have done ANYTHING DIFFERENTLY. Continue to base YOUR DECISION MAKING on your love for him, the facts at your disposal, and his SAFETY and WELL-BEING and PEACE and COMFORT.

If you are doing that, you can’t do anything more. Hopes and Blessings…..

Hindsight is 20/20. Now as you move forward please make sure he has a Advance Healthcare Directive with a DNR. If your Dad was sharp up until his medical emergency and you knew he would have wanted life-saving treatment, then you did the right thing, even if his future quality of life is now changed forever.

Please don't feel guilty. Think of it as the other "G" word: grief. So many on this forum have been in your shoes -- or are about to be. Blessings to you and may you gain peace in your heart.

hugs!!!
i’m surrrre your father is very happy to be alive (even with all the health troubles).

our desire to live is STRONG.
you did the right thing in saving his life.

regarding the future, you and he can discuss his wishes. i have a friend whose mother has clearly said, from now on, no more saving.

right now OP, i’m sure your father’s very glad you saved his life.

Thanks sp19690, I thought I read it wrong.

Is Dad capable of making his own decisions? You say nothing in the your profile about Dementia. Did he understand what was going to happen?

We do what we feel is right in the moment. It seemed even if this has not happened, Dad would have needed more care than you could have given him. Just be there for him now. Visit and take him outside while the weather is nice. Bring him his favorite things to eat. Enjoy the time you have.

Whatever choice you made, you made from love. Even if it feels like you did the wrong thing at times, you did it because you love him, and you were stressed and made the best choice you could at the time. Sometimes our best isn't the same from one day to the next, sometimes our 100% varies too. (I stole that pearl from The Four Agreements)
When the time comes again, maybe you'll choose differently because you love him? Cut yourself some slack, you did the best you could and did it with love.

You're in a 'damned if you do/damned if you don't' situation Abby. Either way, you're going to feel badly here. If you didn't approve the 'cardioversion', you'd have felt terrible guilt in allowing nature to take its course. Now that you approved this procedure, whatever it is, you're feeling guilty for prolonging dad's life which will now be in a Skilled Nursing Facility. Either way, you lose.

Dad's mind is intact, ask him what HE WANTS moving forward, which should have been made known all along. When others leave decisions in their children's hands, we make choices based on what WE feel to be the best decisions FOR them. That's how it works.

Ultimately, dad is 93 and in poor health. When his number is up, it's up. With or without a 'cardioversion', his heart WILL stop beating when it's tired and finished beating. That's not to sound callous or cold, just to say, we all have a certain amount of heartbeats here on earth, and that's it. Even if you wound up extending his life for a while, that's all you did: extend his life for a while. He can now choose to sign a DNR and make other decisions that will not prolong his life any further. He's free to make his own choices now, and after you speak to him, you'll have a better idea of what he wants his final days on earth to look like.

FWIW, it's no better to have a parent with dementia to watch go through an end of life journey, that's for sure! I wouldn't wish that on anyone, ever, under any circumstances. You are better off with dad having his mind intact and finding out his end of life wishes than you are having him incoherent with advanced dementia and having to make ALL of his decisions for him. That's no cake walk, trust me. His life in a SNF may not 'break his heart' the way you think it will. It may be a great weight lifted off of him to have others caring for him in such an environment, w/o having to rely on his daughters to change his incontinence briefs.

Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate. Extend yourself some grace now and realize that you're doing the best you can under extremely stressful circumstances. There are no 'bad decisions' when a daughter is making them based on love. Remember that.

Since his thought processes are sharp, you saved his life. Good call! Now use this time to talk with him about the quality of life he wants in these later years... and about advanced directives: DNR, organ donation, iv hydration, tube feedings... Then, get those desires in writing,

You made the best choice that you felt was right.
We, caregivers, will most definitely be facing making choices that are hard and how can we, assuming most are not doctors or even have any medical knowledge be sure of anything.

If I had been in your shoes, I would have done the same because if I had made the decision to let my dad die; Lordy, that is the guilt that would be very difficult for me to live with. You don't want them to suffer so if your dad need critical care/around clock care 24/7 then you must decide to move him to another home or facility to ensure all of his care/needs are met daily. We as caregiver do the best we can. My dad is 88 and mom is 83 living at home (their wishes is being honored for now) with elderly/disabled brother there too. It's hard but I say do your best and the best must be enough! Wish you blessings in your decisions for your dad.🙏

Call hospice imo.

I'd suggest finding out about how hospice care could provide support to him..and you, and other family members and friends.
Try not to look backwards, you can't change the past.
You do have an opportunity now to talk with him about his preferences.
Many states allow a patient and provider to make out medical orders for life sustaining treatment. Or physician orders for same. This allows the person and their HCP and their medical provider to talk about specifics of end of life care....if there is one in place and his status is DNR, no not intubate, etc. then that is clear to everyone.

Abby,
You made the right decision in the moment and allowed your dear father time to close out his life on his own time. The cardioversion was a very minimally invasive measure and I'd have done the same.
I've worked in Hospice, 5 years as an RN and I can tell you with certainty that your Dad will make his exit when he's ready to; you've only given him the time needed with loved ones. When he's ready, he'll leave this earthy toil.
I was on the other side of a decision with my Dad and had to call an end to life support with his 19 day CoVid battle after being placed on a vent in ICU. I feel like I'll never be settled with having made that call, even though I know clearly that I was following his wishes.
The choice to never start life support may one day come to you and you know not to go down that road and to allow him a peaceful journey whenever that time may come.
Make the most of your remaining time with your Dad and maybe consider talking with him about your decision in that moment. He may surprise you.
Our parents are such treasures and it's so very hard to say goodbye. Just love him and hold his dear hands in mutual comfort or exchange your customary expressions of love with every chance you get and be grateful for the time you have with him.

Abby,
You made the right decision in the moment and allowed your dear father time to close out his life on his own time. The cardioversion was a very minimally invasive measure and I'd have done the same.
I've worked in Hospice, 5 years as an RN and I can tell you with certainty that your Dad will make his exit when he's ready to; you've only given him the time he needed with loved ones. When he's ready, he'll leave this earthy toil.
I was on the other side of a decision with my Dad and had to call an end to life support with his 19 day CoVid battle after being placed on a vent in ICU. I feel like I'll never be settled with having made that call, even though I know clearly that I was following his wishes.
The choice to never start life support may one day come to you and you'll know not to go down that road and to allow him a peaceful journey whenever that time may come.
Make the most of your remaining time with your Dad and maybe consider talking with him about your decision in that moment. He may surprise you.
Our parents are such treasures and it's so very hard to say goodbye. Just love him and hold his dear hands in mutual comfort or exchange your customary expressions of love and affection with every chance you get.
Funny how much I miss my dear Dad's care worn hands.

Abby,
You made the right decision in the moment and allowed your dear father time to close out his life on his own time. The cardioversion was a very minimally invasive measure and I'd have done the same.
I've worked in Hospice, 5 years as an RN and I can tell you with certainty that your Dad will make his exit when he's ready to; you've only given him the time he needed with loved ones. When he's ready, he'll leave this earthy toil.
I was on the other side of a decision with my Dad and had to call an end to life support with his 19 day CoVid battle after being placed on a vent in ICU. I feel like I'll never be settled with having made that call, even though I know clearly that I was following his wishes.
The choice to never start life support may one day come to you and you'll know not to go down that road and to allow him a peaceful journey whenever that time may come.
Make the most of your remaining time with your Dad and maybe consider talking with him about your decision in that moment. He may surprise you.
Our parents are such treasures and it's so very hard to say goodbye. Just love him and hold his dear hands in mutual comfort or exchange your customary expressions of love and affection with every chance you get.
Funny how much I miss my dear Dad's care worn hands.

Abby,
You made the right decision in the moment and allowed your dear father time to close out his life on his own time. The cardioversion was a very minimally invasive measure and I'd have done the same.
I've worked in Hospice, 5 years as an RN and I can tell you with certainty that your Dad will make his exit when he's ready to; you've only given him the time he needed with loved ones. When he's ready, he'll leave this earthy toil.
I was on the other side of a decision with my Dad and had to call an end to life support with his 19 day CoVid battle after being placed on a vent in ICU. I feel like I'll never be settled with having made that call, even though I know clearly that I was following his wishes.
The choice to never start life support may one day come to you and you'll know not to go down that road and to allow him a peaceful journey whenever that time may come.
Make the most of your remaining time with your Dad and maybe consider talking with him about your decision in that moment. He may surprise you.
Our parents are such treasures and it's so very hard to say goodbye. Just love him and hold his dear hands in mutual comfort or exchange your customary expressions of love and affection with every chance you get.
Funny how much I miss my dear Dad's care worn hands.

Abby,
You made the right decision in the moment and allowed your dear father time to close out his life on his own time. The cardioversion was a very minimally invasive measure and I'd have done the same.
I've worked in Hospice, 5 years as an RN and I can tell you with certainty that your Dad will make his exit when he's ready to; you've only given him the time he needed with loved ones. When he's ready, he'll leave this earthy toil.
I was on the other side of a decision with my Dad and had to call an end to life support with his 19 day CoVid battle after being placed on a vent in ICU. I feel like I'll never be settled with having made that call, even though I know clearly that I was following his wishes.
The choice to never start life support may one day come to you and you'll know not to go down that road and to allow him a peaceful journey whenever that time may come.
Make the most of your remaining time with your Dad and maybe consider talking with him about your decision in that moment. He may surprise you.
Our parents are such treasures and it's so very hard to say goodbye. Just love him and hold his dear hands in mutual comfort or exchange your customary expressions of love and affection with every chance you get.
Funny how much I miss my dear Dad's care worn hands.

The problem here, IMHO, is that there was nothing set in place, which meant you had to make this awful, heart wrenching decision. You did the best for the situation at the time.
Moving forward, I agree, you need to decide, with your father, what he wants to do. No one wants to get old, incontinent, fall out of bed, be in danger of imminent death. No one! Your father also doesn't want you to have to take care of him, 24 hours a day.
When everyone involved is calm, go have that conversation. You can sign a DNR and/or POA. You can have a clergy member come in, or a social worker, someone who can help mediate if you are not able or feel that you need an objective voice in the room.
Then, next time something happens, and it will happen, you'll be prepared with the proper legal documentation and the knowledge that you are doing exactly what your father wanted you to do.
Also, since he is sharp mentally, he may rally and you may find a place that he likes well enough. You can have weekly visits, have lunch, take him for a walk, read a book, whatever, and enjoy the time together, without also having to be his nurse.

You made a decision under extreme circumstances and you can’t look back. I can relate because my father in law 93 also had pneumonia in june and wasn’t expected to survive but is alive and in a nursing home now. He was found unconscious on the floor where he had been for at least a day maybe two. I hated him being alone at home but his 3 children let him be since he’s only mildly cognitively impaired. Be comforted knowing someone is there for him now 24/7.

You made the right decision out of love and compassion.

The Wise Facilitator at one of my Support Groups always told us "Don't Should on yourself"
I have told people if they make a decision based upon the information that they have at the moment and you think it is the right thing to do based on that then that is all that you can ask of yourself.
20 20 hindsight is a wonderful thing but we don't have the capacity to go back in time to change things.
Use this opportunity to talk to him and ask what he wants done in the future.
If he wants no intervention Hospice would be a great way to go forward. You would get support from great people, you would get help with supplies and equipment and truly great medical care. Not curative but Hospice will provide care a Nurse will come weekly if medications are needed they will be provided, if other problems arise they will be addressed.

Sweet Abby. I'm so sorry to read about this very, very tough decision. It sounds like any decision you would have made would have been made with love and compassion. That is what really matters...

Personally I believe none of us can do more than God. He determines the number of days one will live regardless of the decisions we make. When I struggle to figure out the right thing to do, that's when I find peace knowing everything is as it should be.

His design for each of us is perfect. I do not have the power to disrupt the universe. I only have the power to love.

I pray you find peace in knowing you are a loving, compassionate daughter...and that you are greatly loved as well. I will say a prayer for you and your dad.

Unfortunately, there is no right or wrong choice here. You do what you feel is best at the time. My husband was in the last stage of dementia - did not know anyone, could not walk, was incontinent, had trouble eating and swallowing even liquids. I signed a DNR as his health care proxy, but when his pulse started to get higher and higher, the physical therapist wanted him to go to the emergency room. I decided with the advice of his doctor to do nothing except call hospice. He lapsed into a coma and died a few days later. I feel at peace with that decision and I know he is in a better place. I feel grief, but no guilt. I'll pray that God will guide you when the next emergency comes up.

OMG, you poor thing. You made one of the hardest decisions a human can make. My mom told me her and my papa's medical directives stated no measures to keep them alive, but when he was dying, and the paramedics asked her what she wanted them to do, she said; "save his life." he died that night anyway, but she felt guilty for going against his wishes. I feel for you. It's really the worst choice to have to make. ((HUGS)) I hope you'll find peace, and know you did your best, in a terrible time.

Your Father may not be as alert now as he was previously. Im sure you made the correct decision based on the facts at that time. Take it one day at a time and remember he has had a long life and prepare to let him go.