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I can understand your feelings as you recall the things you may feel guilty about. I lost my husband in May 2020, who had lived with emphysema and some residual effects of a stroke. I took very good care of my husband too, in fact, his sons had commented that he wouldn't have been cared for so well by their own mother. All our friends and the social workers made comments from time to time on how I loved and cared for him and the last thing he said to me before he lapsed into a coma was that I took very good care of him. And yet, I couldn't take comfort in that in the weeks and early months since he died. I kept asking myself what I could have done better or worrying that the way I adjusted his oxygen levels might have caused his brain to shut down. I had storms of weeping and feeling incredibly guilty and lost whole days because I just couldn't function properly at all. I couldn't see any point on carrying on living without him. I had a very abusive first marriage and I felt my late husband was my knight in shining armour. I felt that the 30 years we spent together were the only happy years of my life.

Like you, I had occasionally lost my temper and I had demanded to know why he couldn't avoid making messes. I often felt guilty close to the time and never stayed angry for long. We were able to cuddle and I would apologise, but then the next time something went wrong I would blow up again. My husband had also lost his short-term memory and he would forgive me each time,

My feeling of loss was compounded by the fact that the Covid restrictions had started and I was fearful of being with people. My friends who are also in the vulnerable category like I am couldn't be with me and so I wasn't able to have the hugs and comfort I would have liked. I was lucky enough to have a social worker who called me at intervals and just talked with me. She told me that feeling guilty was a very normal reaction from a bereaved spouse who had cared for their loved one, not everyone, of course, but it was a frequent enough reaction. I didn't believe her at first but eventually it has relieved some of my guilty feelings.

I still have days when I cry all day and feel guilt again but they are getting less often. I still say good morning or good night to him and yesterday I also said that I would try to do better and not break down again. Somehow that worked and I had a good day. I didn't want him to go when he did but I know he had been very brave in his last months. I couldn't have expected him to go through the ordeal that was his life any longer. I just wish that I had been allowed to go to the hospital and hold his hand in his last hours.

I have been going through some of our old travel photos and remembering the happy times we had together helps.

I hope that you are able to come through this difficult time and that eventually the feelings of guilt will recede and be replaced by your happy memories.

Many hugs to you.
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sunshinelife Dec 2020
Many people go a lifetime and don't experience the love and happiness you shared with your husband. Lucky lady
Im sure the Angels are taking very good care of him now.
And he will be waiting for you when you pass over with open arms & a big smile.
Enjoy each day here, it passes so quickly
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I wish I could reach through the space of media, virtually wrap my arms around you, to hug you through the pain. You may be experiencing survivor guilt. To go from the level of responsibility you carried all that time, basically living to support a loved one, then it all stops like turning off a light. Its devastating to you because of the foundation of your love with him. Please don't look back at incidents of fatigue fueled frustration and let it dominate over years of your loving care. Commit to let the good memories and shared laughter be what you remember of him. You must go through the grief process, but don't allow yourself to drown in undeserved, destructive guilt.
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Oh dear Mrs Hoover, please don’t punish yourself with grief over the times you yelled at your husband. The things you became angry over would make any of us exhausted caregivers very upset, and exasperated at having more work to do! It sounds to me like you were a very loving and attentive wife, giving and doing the best you could for your bed bound husband. I’m so sorry for your loss, and try to let your grief be over losing him, and not for the times you became furious with him. But I know that’s easier said than done, as I get so angry at my own husband with dementia, and then feel sad and guilty because I know he isn’t at fault and didn’t ask for this horrible illness. But then, neither did I plan to be a caregiver instead of a wife for the last third of my life! So give yourself a break, and when you begin to feel grief over your hollering occasions, try to replace it with thoughts of all the ways you provided your husband with so much care♥️

Darlene
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Be easy on yourself. Sounds like you were a loving but exhausted caregiver. It's hard work! I've read a lot about folks who keep a journal of positive things that happen during the caregiving journey in order to destress. Maybe it would help now to do something similar. Write down all the things you did to care for your loved one each day...every gesture counts, brushing hair, giving a sip of water, preparing meals, etc. Possibly reading over this in times of guilt will help. So sorry for your loss. ((Hugs)) Prayers for peace and comfort.
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You were acting like a human.

It is normal to lose it now and then, when you are responsible for someone else's health care.

It is much more difficult to change an adult diaper than a child's diaper. They are bigger and more ornery.

I am sorry for your loss.

It is typical that people always feel guilty about the hollering, but your husband was very very very lucky that you took care of him.

Sending hugs. You deserve hugs and a medal.
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A few years ago I was having a bad time so I bought a pretty notebook. Each night I wrote down 3 good things that had happened that day. Simple things like a kid giggling, fresh flowers, a chat with a friend. It wasn’t always easy to find 3 good things but I persisted. I started mentally bookmarking those things during the day until I began to focus on the good, happy things in my life instead of the negative ones.

Each time you have a memory of the bad times write it down on a piece of paper and throw it away or burn it. Then write down a good memory of your life together and put it in a special box. When you have those sad thoughts open the box and read the messages.

My condolences on your loss, your husband was fortunate to have had you in his life. It's only been a few weeks, allow yourself time to grieve and heal.
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I agree with wolf lover. You was angry and yelling at the disease and not your husband. Sometimes it is hard for people to sort out the two. The disease made him do those things. Never would he purposely do that to you. So no need to beat yourself up for being angry at the disease. Any of us who have had a family member, or someone close, with dementia has gone through frustration with what the disease makes them do.
Give yourself time to grieve and go to grief counseling or a grieving group. two weeks is not enough time. Some people need a year to grieve. It depends on the individual and circumstance.
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Dear bereaved, I have rejoined in order to write to you with sympathy.
My husband died last April after 46 years together. I am still grieving, grief is a long process as one does ones best to carry on.
We all second guess ourselves. I was caregiver alone for 4 years .
I loved my husband and did my best never the less I was angry a time or two . We are human and I strive not to focus on that but think of all the times you got it right and did your best. Then think of all the good memories before he was ill.
Even now I talk to my husband and tell him all the things that upset me during his condition and how bad I felt when I lost patience.
Give yourself time you loved him now you have to love yourself and weather the variety of feelings from guilt, sorrow, relief , and the loss of your partner and how the condition was cruel for both of you.
I keep busy , still sob at times then carry on as they wouldn’t want us to be unhappy forever.
My husband loved life so I carry on in his honor and life is sacred so we must honor our own.
Its hard but you will get through the grieving process.
I send you love, understanding, and strength.
Aloha
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Mrs. Hoover, I'm sorry for your loss, and I understand what you are saying. I lost my mother about 9 months ago. She was in a nursing home, and each time I visited I would "resolve" to be as patient as I could--but there were days when her being extremely hard of hearing and her constant questions (often about things I didn't know or about why my sister did such-and-such (I don't know--ask HER when you see her!) that I'd finally raise my voice, and she would get upset, saying "some day YOU will be old" and "I'm here by myself all day...". I apologized, and she would forget soon afterward. By the time I left (usually after 1 1/2-2 hours, staying around to help her eat her dinner and provide additional snacks, etc.), I was sometimes stressed and exhausted. I simply chalked it all up to "I did the best I could" and admit I'm not perfect. My sister seemed to do better, but she didn't go quite as often and as usual when she did she talked so much that I doubt my mother got much of a chance to ask her many questions!
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