I made the decision to move in with my partner. Now it’s his aunt and mother with dementia, too. Mistake...Now what?

One thing is unclear, where did Mom and aunt live when they weren't in the South for winter? If they lived with your boyfriend, then maybe Mom owns the home?

Nothing is ever black or white, but I do think you should move out for your health, both mental and physical. Perhaps, your boyfriend can seek outside advice, a senior counselor or A place for Mom to help him decide what he can do.

Then, if you choose, you can assist occasionally. Sounds like he needs to hire outside help.

Best wishes.

After reading your question and many helpful answers, I am in agreement with all who say to leave. I am 54, taking care of my 93 yr old mom , with my husband of 30 years by my side. I know first hand the strain care giving and dementia put on your body, mind and relationships.
So many times in life we say I wish I knew then what I know now, I would have done it differently. You know now. As painful as it may be, this man is not an equal partner. If I were one to give advice, I would say to move back into your own house if its available. I would give no explanation, just leave. I would think you would feel a great relief.( Unless you are going to keep worrying and feeling guilt about his situation, do not allow yourself to think that way.) He says he will understand if you leave, so go.You could say you need a break. Life is short, be selfish, you have done enough for someone who could solve all of his problems with a few phone calls. Go live and enjoy yourself.

Can't tell how long you have been in this relationship from this post, but I will speak from experience here. Never, and I mean NEVER, enter a relationship in which you do not have either the equal or an upper hand in decisionmaking. You say you are 50 and don't want to spend the rest of your vital years caring for someone else's family. From what you describe, the relationship has already Gone South, and there you are, captive, for the moment. There appears to be no commitment to you on his part other than having you live in his home, but look at what you do in return. You are doing caregiver and homemaking duty. His apparent sullenness may be an attempt to gaslight you into believing that something is wrong with YOU. Do not buy it. Invest your energy into that new career, because with the appropriate effort, that career will serve you better than this guy ever will.

Why won't he get a caregiver at this house?

He was willing to do it down south, why not up north?

Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, he sounds like a mommas boy and I think that you have dodged a bullet by finding out now that he can't deal with stress or stand up for you. Imagine how you would feel if you received a devastating diagnosis and he checked out with anger and video games? Move on and find a real man to live your life with.

If you can, start by hiring people to help you, especially if you are starting a new career. You also need to have time for yourself. Stress can cause illness, and the last thing you want or need is to get sick. A cleaner can do the laundry and clean. Handymen can help with household repairs. Caregivers can take people to doctor appointments, make sure they take their medications, and are fed, help with bathing and dressing them, etc. Just remember that if you'll have "strangers" in the house you should lock up valuables and financial papers. Get connected with a social worker or people who can advise seniors in your area to find out what Medicare will cover. See if that helps. It's always better to have seniors you are caring for nearby, if at all possible. It makes things easier. As the pandemic is slowing down, senior facilities are opening up again. If caregivers and home help is not enough you can look into finding a facility for them. Some people require a lot of care as their dementia worsens. It's really not your responsibility unless you are willing to take it on. Your partner should be involved, and hopefully he has POA and the ability to take charge. He needs to do this immediately if the paperwork is not in order, and may need an attorney.

On your way out the door do be sure to thank him for being so understanding.

Caregiving is tough. I do admire his devotion to family. Sounds like he would be very devoted to you especially if you needed a caregiver some day? I am not so sure my husband would be if our roles were reversed. If your partner could set some boundaries? That could solve some problems? I am guessing perhaps your partner doesn’t want to lose their assets to a nursing home? Do they have funds that can be used to give you both some time off each week? Or would he love to visit you at your apartment? Just thoughts.

He may be trying to tell you something

Get your own place and after you have been able to rest ,and think you can decide the bigger decisions. As long as you are tired and stressed out you will not have very good judgement.

As I recall, a saying goes "When someone shows his/her true colors, believe it!" I think this boyfriend is showing them quite plainly, although in this case it is neglect rather than viciousness.

After reading your response it sounds like you have decided it's time to move on. My fear is that if you don't leave now he may decide to disappear one day and leave you with the ladies. He'd still inherit. Don't wait that long!

speak to your "honey" about contacting an Elder attorney (IF he is POA) of both of them and get things set up to move them into an AL or NH whichever is necessary. The attorney will help with everything in the financial aspect. Find a good place that will also except medicaid so that when their finances are gone they can go onto medicaid. Its not fair to you to be the caregiver which you did not sign up for. And with him escaping to tv/video games........what about "your" escape to relieve stress? If he is not willing to do the attorney thing.....then find a small apartment and move out.......then you can set up "dates" for when HE is free from the stress of taking care of their needs..........he will soon find a way to make changes for all. I wish you luck.

Listen to your body.

So, if you do leave, how will he take care of the ladies? Ask him. Perhaps he could do that NOW, without you having to leave?

What type of things do you have that you are doing without? Furniture, wall decor, clocks, knickknacks? Bring them. You lived there without him for a time—don’t ask. You live there too. Bring your favorites.

Tell Mom the truth: you love your things and miss them terribly. Don’t remove her favorite chair, but ask her, if possible during a lucid moment, which are HER favorite things. And keep those. Or ask your partner which are mom’s favorite things. You could box up her other items and store a few boxes in her closet. You live there, too!

Definitely get some in-home relief—twice or thrice a week or even daily. This is what your partner would need to do if you weren’t in the picture, unless he can stay home with the ladies? If so, sign him up!

Get off the doormat!

The mom and aunt are part of the “package” deal. They will get worse.

The silver lining: he is trying to take care of them personally, not just put them somewhere. In my opinion, that speaks volumes about his character and how he would help you -or someone in your family - if needed.

The video games as escape may indicate a bit of depression. I was depressed when taking care of aging family, so I understand. It is hard to watch the decline of a loved one, let alone two.

The choice is yours: be his superhero or bow out and gain your complete freedom. There is no wrong answer. If you are going to leave anyway, sooner is better than later (for both of you).

I would say you have answered your own question. Your health and well being are the most important factors right now. Caregiving can be a very rough experience as time goes by. I speak from long experience in the trenches.
Is that where you want to be for a prolonged time?

I heard an interesting saying... "Indecision is your decision not to decide." While you are still able to think clearly now, you should have your own place to think things through. There may be agencies that can help these women. Your male friend will have to rise to the occasion, not drag you down. When you have your own place, you can help him perhaps by making some phone calls to see how these women can be helped in this situation.

The time to get out of a toxic situation is when you can't sleep well and foresee a decline in health for your future.

The city no one wants to visit is "Adverse"-City (adversity) -- but since you are there now, it sounds like you are on the right track out.

Wishing you future happiness. I have not had the time to read other's comments, but Aging Care has been such a therapeutic place for me to visit, that it's helped a great deal with my situation.

Blessings to you...

You said you love him.. You've put allot into this relationship, so has he. This is what is meant when you say "for better or worse". If you leave over rough times, do you really and truly love him?

My husband and I take care of my nearly 90 year old, narcissistic mother who is also on dialysis. Don't know if you're familiar with narcissism, but it's along the lines of dementia as far as difficulty is concerned. Both are mental illnesses.

My husband should not have to deal with her, but he does. Why? Because he loves me and we both said "for better or worse". Our relationship will, God willing, last longer than my mother will.

Just my humble opinion and two cents worth.

My advice is dont base your decisions about your relationship on the words of random people on a forum. Look to close friends and family who know you.

Anyway, do you have a PCP? Have him order a social worker for YOU to come to the home. They can act as a mediator and help refer services for the elders to help both of you out. Sometimes it takes bringing a third party in.

You said you had a house and the plan was to rent it out. Is that happening? If not then go back to your home.
Visit him if you want but do not stay in his mother's home. You would do better to be rested and then visit him with a positive attitude and lift his spirits.
Perhaps your leaving will make him have to move from his dependence on inaction and make plans. Because right now you are doing what he needs to be doing.

I posted early on and like others, I suggested to run away as quickly as possible.

I read your posting again just now because it popped up in my news feed.

I would like you to carefully read your own words. They speak volumes!

This is why therapists suggest journaling.

Journaling is extremely useful for tracking our emotions.

You don’t have to necessarily write a book either. That’s not the purpose of journaling. It’s simply to express your thoughts.

It’s beneficial to review your past entries in your journal.

You will see if you are stuck. You will see if you are making progress and so on.

You will also see your emotions staring you in the face as plain as day, in black and white in your own personal journal, in your own words and from your heart.

Your words do not describe a woman who is secure in her relationship. You are questioning everything!

Have you considered seeing an outside, objective professional therapist to help sort out your feelings about this situation? I believe that it would do a world of good.

Those close to you are going to be concerned about hurting your feelings, etc.

Find someone that has experience in relationship issues and lay it all out on the table. If you don’t like a therapist for valid reasons, switch to a new one.

Therapy is a safe place to sort through your feelings.

Just make sure that you stay with it long enough to help.

If you only participate in therapy for a short period of time, you will shortchange yourself. You must be willing to invest enough time and energy in order to receive help. It’s hard work but well worth it.

Do not be offended by a therapist if their viewpoint is different from yours. Give yourself time to process the information.

Go, tell a professional everything that you told us and see what unfolds.

You just may find yourself receiving validation for all of your feelings that you expressed.

Don’t take that validation for granted. It means something.

Wishing you the very best in life. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your life.

If something is blocking any of your goals in life, close the door.

If you should leave him, take time to mourn any losses and dreams that you hoped for with this man.

Be open for new doors to open. Use this experience as a learning experience and remember that with everything experience, good and bad, we learn and grow.

What a terrible situation. Personally, I think it would be best if you cut your losses now while you still can. At least find a place to live by yourself. You can keep up the friendship with him but don't get more involved. He is looking out for them and not for you. Don't live like that - you deserve more. Find a way.

If you truly loved him and wanted to spend the rest of your life with him you wouldn't ask the question in this way wanting people to encourage you to leave. His should be your family and you're taking care of them like they are which I definitely applaud you for people die quicker in nursing facilities feeling unloved and abandoned. I went through exactly what he is my 1st wife lied to marry me and get into my home knowing my father was in bad health and likely too go down within a week started leaving nursing home brochures around and telling me how great they were and I should consider it so she could go on a vacation honeymoon so selfish of her it didn't last long I divorced her an kicked her out of my life completely. I'm now married to a wonderful woman who helped me care for my father and when her father had to have a leg amputation he and her mother moved in with us because her family is also my family in my eyes as everyone should feel this way. My father started getting worse and I withdrew into myself and video games to not deal with the pain and reality my father wasn't going too be around much longer. My wife I just asked her she never considered leaving me because she loves me and my father was her family too. Her mother died while my father was dealing with his cancer treatments and consumed with my own pain I wasn't there for her. But she didn't leave . she got healthcare workers to help us out so we had our own private time to come to terms with everything. I played video games and she painted . when my father died she was there for me so much I was ready to kill myself all I could think about was i couldn't bare the pain she got me through it. I regret not being there for her when her mom died now but when her father died I was there for her and we had rough spots we barely talked always depressed and hurting over 5 years it took our fathers and her mom to die intimacy wasn't even a thought we were too tired caring for our family and too emotionally drained. Its been almost 10 years since that part of our lives we're more in love now then before and nothing besides death can part us. Only thing I'd change is being there for her when her mom died. You need too seriously think about what you're doing you are in too far now get help for yourselves he's obviously to consumed knowing his mom will die soon may think its 15 years now but she could go tomorrow or next year . You have invested yourself into this family get help caring for your mother in-law and this aunt who should be with her own children their going too regret not being there with her spending her last days with her. If you walk away and his mom dies and he commits suicide how will you live with yourself knowing you gave up abandoned the love of your life and didn't find him help too care for them? You're just exhausted find some in home help the live in kind 24-7. Talk too him about how all of this is making him feel and assure him you're by his side going too make this work and make sure his moms well taken care of an remind him how much you love him. Trust me he appreciates you helping and still loves you he's going through so much pain and emotions right now he just can't come above it himself. Prayers for you and YOUR FAMILY. Hubby,mother in-law and. Random aunt

Imho, since your partner apparently does not care to discuss the issue at hand and resorts to watching tv or playing video games, he (and you also) may require counseling.

First, do you see yourself living with this guy for the rest of your life (if things were better at the home)? If yes, maybe you all just need to find a bigger home to allow living areas for the two elders and for both of you. If you sold your house, his house, and bought one with more bedrooms that could be used as bedrooms/sitting areas - it could be more doable. You could bring your things in and feel like it was your home, too. Use mom/aunt's income to pay for in home care if the plan is to keep them at home. When that is no longer doable they move to facility and their income moves with them. Their income could also pay toward some utilities and groceries. The other bills you'd have with or without them, so you/partner pay those.

If you could find a 4-5 bedroom home, or one with two separate living areas - you/partner would have a living area and they would, too. They would be able to have some/all of their belongings (depending on what they have). The rest can go to storage if they aren't willing to sell it.

If it's going to continue as is, in his house, this isn't going to work because you don't feel at home - he's drowning in what he feels as obligation - and the elders don't seem to be willing to budge to let you feel at home. You two aren't going to get happier together; you're going to make the divide even bigger. So that means it's time to move on down the road and go back to your own home.

I am 49. I have noticed recently that I too look 10 years older and just today , i was given a seniors discount (not offered, just given) A year ago people always said I look much younger than my age
You already know what you want/need. Don't feel guilty leaving, it sounds like he is not that invested anyway or just feels trapped and knows he has nothing to offer.
Go and have the vitality, but have more of it than you previously would have imagined.. loads more of it. Take this as a lesson life is short and mistakes are easily made. It is NOT going to get better. Run, run, run. oh and by the way...run.
Do it for those of us who can't.

Aghtgh, any improvements?

You know, by leaving for even a weekend or 1-2 weeks, your partner may have a *A'Ha!* moment 💡💡

He may realize his life CAN be different to what it currently is or is turning into. It may really help ALL of you towards a new plan.

So basically you are the 24/7 caregiver for two people in return for a place to live? If he had to hire someone to care for them it would cost upwards of $25 an hour! Find a place of your own, move out, and see what happens.

Run, don’t walk!!! You’re not going to change him!!

Many great answers here, but I can tell you what I see. It sounds like you know what you need to do. He has shown he doesn't want to deal with you, his mom, or.....anything, to be honest, and had the same issue in past relationships. It sounds like he tends to ostrich a bit...to let the world develop around him rather than forming a plan. He's too complacent to even consider your basic needs at this point, and has put the emotional labor on you to leave. Anything to avoid conflict. Yeah. It doesn't mean he's a bad person, and he's not a happy camper either right now. I'm positive he has a lot of good qualities as well, but this is a very big deal as a couple. In my experience, most people like this don't change much from their default as a rule, or it is short term unless you're constantly pushing them, which makes you both resentful, which is probably not what you signed up for. In my case with my partner, I realized I was mourning the loss of the dream I had at my (middle) age more than the actual man I was with. I felt too exhausted to start over. I was in a different situation than caregiving at the time, but remember how devastating it was to see my "future" crash. I left. (10 years later, I'm living with and caregiving for my mother and holding down a full time job, lol..but that's another story - and it was a pretty awesome 8 years in between events.) FYI, he and I were still able to retain a friendship for awhile after - platonic. My advice? I got out of that relationship 3 years too late. Rip off the band-aid now before you feel truly stuck. The short term road will be emotionally exhausting and not easy, but your future self and your future health will be eternally grateful. I know this is very one sided advice, and I don't know him, you, or your life experiences, so your mileage may vary, and I may get a lot of flak, but I wish you well in whatever you choose.

I Agreed talk to him one more time if he don't do anything then move back to your place I give him 3 months he won't be able to care for them by him self. Care giver job is not easy good luck.