My mother is diabetic, using Metformin and she uses two bathrooms, and I don't have to discuss the mess, if I don't stay on top of it. Today, she had a lot of clothes on the bathroom floor, underwear in the sink. The bathroom looked like another room.
Everytime I wash over a dozen pots, pans and dishes, clean her kitchen and the two bathrooms, and I come back to her townhouse 3 days later, it looks 2X worse.
Today, it looks like, three other people live with her now. I'm starting to get worried.
I am also worried because she said she is tired all the time, and her blood work was done today during her doctor appointment.
I left my place of employment for 2 years to take care of her housekeeping and laundry and she was still cooking. I really need to prepare her meals, but she prefers fast food, Pepsi cola, potato chips, but when I intervene, she tells people I'm trying to take away her independence. And, she became verbally abusive, so I returned to work.
She is very independent, however I must clean and sanitize her home. I must start coming over more often because of what I saw today.
Please share how assist her. She is very secretive about her old friends whom I've known for years. My only brother and her son passed in August. When he was alive, he only entertained her, and did small errands, if he felt like it. I'll be 63 next month, and trying to take care of myself mentally and physically. She cannot afford Assisted living, so I'm doing what I can with the help of my husband, but we may have to assist with the expense. I'm more concerned right now about her mental state declining. Thank you!
Your mother is not independent .
If she was , you would still be at your job .
Many elders say they are independent just because they can walk , and dress themselves . Yet their family are exhausted helping them pretend they are independent .
My FIL said the same thing , that his independence was being taken away from him . No it’s not . Age takes it away from them , not others who try to help them .
You say you are concerned about her mental state . Would she be willing to go to the doctor to be evaluated ? If so , give the doctor a heads up of what the problems are . She could have dementia or other issues causing her symptoms . It sounds like it’s been progressive over a couple of years though, nothing new all of a sudden recently .
I hope you have POA . Even then it can be difficult to get them out of their home and placed . You can let things go in the house and call APS and let them see how she lives , or her County Area Agency of Aging to help get her placed .
Good Luck .
Adult Protective Services (APS) is a program that helps protect vulnerable adults, especially seniors and adults with disabilities, from abuse, neglect and exploitation. APS steps in to investigate reports of mistreatment and provides support and resources to ensure their safety and well being.
APS is typically run by state or county agencies, so you would need to contact the office where the vulnerable adult lives. You can search for “[State] APS Hotline” online to find the correct contact information.
If you’re unsure where to start, you can call the Elder Abuse Hotline (800) 677-1116 (provided by the Eldercare Locator). They can guide you to the local APS office.
Most states have a 24/7 hotline and often allow reports through an online portal.
Call them first and see if she already qualifiies for nursing home care which Medicaid covers.
"she prefers fast food, Pepsi cola, potato chips" You have to know these types of food will increase her sugar. Did you discuss this with her doctor? She could be depressed because of the death of your brother. She is probably tired because she is depressed and not eating right. If you are 63 Mom is in her 80s. I agree, maybe time to place her in an AL and selling her condo to pay for it.
This is a senior at risk, likely one with dementia and a danger to herself.
Call APS. Clearly your mom needs placement and she will need diagnosis before that. She will not allow you to manage that. Tell APS she is out of control and you cannot reason with or manage her and she is a senior at risk.
I would allow the state to take guardianship here. You are in no condition to try to do that legally very demanding job and to manage everything for her like applications for care and diagnosis.
I would step away from this completely and let APS know you are doing so.
Why do you call her independent?
Are you her PoA? If so, read your document to see what activates your authority. It is usually a medical diagnosis by her doctor of impairment sufficient to require help. Even if you could get this, she could still resist help (and many do, just read the plentiful posts about that on this forum).
What I did with my Aunts (in their late 80s) who were resistant to help: I had a casual conversation with them about how much I disliked most housework and how tiring it is. I mused about if I could stop doing the most odious task how relieved it would make me. Then I asked them if they could stop doing 1 or 2 tasks they disliked, what would it be. They told me what those tasks were and I told them I could take those off their plate. They agreed to it (but I was going to hire someone to do it).
You can also set up a meeting with her county's social services to see if she qualifies for any in-home help. Other resources may be found if you call her local Area Ageny on Aging.
Another strategy is to create a therapeutic fib that might get your Mom in to see her primary doctor. Everyone on Medicare gets a free annual wellness exam, and it includes a cognitive test. You could tell your Mom that if she doesn't get her exam she might stop getting the benefit...or whatever narrative you think she would accept.
If you are not her PoA then you can consider reporting her to APS to get her on their radar as a vulnerable adult. The may be able to make more inroads with her. I'm so sorry for this stressful situation. You will need to accept making small progress with her rather than trying to eat the elephant all at once.