Hi, I am new to the group. I need help getting my mom (88) to listen and help herself. She's in good health but won't do ANYTHING!! Advice?

I think once we get to be 88 yrs. old that we have every right to pick and choose what we will or will not do. She's earned that right. So to save you from stressing over this, you just need to accept that at this point, she's probably not going to change. You might be the one who needs to change your perspective here, and just let mom be. Best wishes.

P.S. Welcome to the forum!

You say that she has given up. I am uncertain how old your are Margie? I am 78. I can tell you that you get pretty tired. The old heart pump doesn't do what it once did; you get tired more easily. And most of old you do understand that you are on the long slow slide down that means loss after loss after loss. Your children now act more like your parents than your children, and they want to tell you what to do and when to do it and how much of it to do. Your body weakens and with loss of function and mobility comes even more issues, some that deal blows to your very dignity as a human being. You are less and less in control of more and more functions from the physical to the mental. I am quite hale and hearty for my age, and take daily long walks, able to shop, cook, clean, garden, read, sew, travel a bit (when Covid goes away) and etc. But I do recognize that the long slow slide is a descent that will not be avoided.
I think it is important now to sit with your Mom and ask her open ended questions about her concerns. Truly try to listen to her. Make good suggestions, but understand they are YOUR ideas, and they will be either more or less palatable to your Mom.
If your Mom lives with you (or you with her) your frustration level will be more apparent. It is very hard to live with others whether it is parent child, spouses, or roommates. You may want to consider that Mom will have more opportunities to visit with and interact with others her own age if she is in LTC where she lives with people her own age, who have her own concerns.
I hope I gave you a little bit of food for thought. I can hear your frustration, and I sympathize with you. If you are lucky and live long you will see 88 and say "Whoops, I kind of am beginning to have a clue what Mom meant". That's the way of life. It's only when we are 16-24 that we believe we have all the answers. By 88 we understand we have almost no answers at all.
I wish you the best of luck.

Dear "MargieDemott54,"

Hi and welcome to the AgingCare Forum!

I can tell you first hand having dealt with depression and now my husband is experiencing it as well, that it can be debilitating to the point you "can't" find the motivation to do anything. Also for me in the past, I tried several anti-depressants and it actually made me feel worse. I would become extremely lethargic which in turn made me feel more depressed and unable to function.

I no longer take any medication other than for anxiety just for those reasons. The difference is I was a lot younger than your mom is. I can only imagine that being 88 regardless of being considered healthy by her doctors would make her not feel like doing anything. I think of it as being stuck in quicksand. You may want to get up and do things but, the depression keeps sucking you back down.

I wish I had an answer. The only thing is for her to get some exercise i.e. taking nice walks. I've been going for walks after sunrise because it's my favorite time of day and just take in the sights and smells which gives me some much needed energy.

Good luck and I'm sure other posters will have answers for you!

Basically, you can't do anything! Your mother gets to decide how she lives HER life and if she wants to give up, she gets to give up. Anti depressants can only do SO much for a person who's decided they don't want to go on with life, if that's where your mother is at.

Right now, we're also at a place in time where many, many people are depressed and feel like life is over, with a pandemic going on, and they're feeling helpless and hopeless. Trapped inside the house for months on end isn't a good feeling for anyone. Have you tried getting her outside for a walk or to the mall to window shop? I realize she may not be in the mood for such a thing, but sometimes 'doing' something puts a person in the mood for more.

In the end, I always say "you can't save a person from herself" and it's a true statement.

Wishing you the best of luck trying to deal with your mother's apathy and accepting that it's her life & her decision. You are a good daughter to be there for her and to care so much!