Mom is 88 years old and suffered a fall last summer fracturing 5 ribs. The healing journey has been long and painful. She lives in a long term care facility and up until 6 months ago she was able to use a walker and use the bathroom on her own. Now she is confined to a wheel chair and on top of that her eyesight is diminishing due to macular degeneration.
I live in another province and keep in touch via regular telephone and Facetime chats. My sister visits almost daily as there are often staff shortages in the facility especially now as mom is confined to her room due to Covid. With mom's loss of independence and been restricted, she experiences bouts of anxiety, loneliness and even more rumination.
A bit of background .... Mom ending up in a long term care facility 12 years ago due to the trauma she experienced with my dad. Mom had lived with dad for over 50 years and the marriage was tumultuous. Dad was an extremely jealous person bordering on insanity and this traumatized mom. I'm sure that Dad had an undiagnosed personality disorder. He often accused mom of having affairs which never happened. (She had 6 kids and was isolated on the farm). As we grew up we encouraged her to leave the relationship many times but she always ended up back with him. They were co-dependent.
Dad passed away 5 years ago but she still lets him mentally torment her with delusions and negative thoughts. She is still in that prison in her mind ruminating about all the terrible things he did to her... she relives her past daily. While I try to redirect the conversation it's almost like a broken record, she refuses to change the subject.
At this stage in her life, getting psychiatric help would probably be futile, although I'm open to trying. To make things more complicated English is not her first language and it's difficult finding psychiatric help or counselling in her first language.
As I write this it's becoming clear for my own sanity I need to distance myself from her and her sad life story. I fear for my sister's sanity as well. What are some coping skills to detach and not let her sad life affect my quality of life?
It can be anything, my friends got the cutest ??? and it does this little thing that is so funny (whatever she is or was interested in, it could be a hedgehog or a monkey or puppy or???) and you can reuse stories, that's one benefit of dementia. If you can't think of things, watch videos and make it personal to help her. Encourage your sister to bring entertaining things to look at (coffee table books are easily found in thrift stores and have lots of great pictures), fun things to eat or drink (my granny loved to share a coke and every sip was accompanied by a shiver and giggle, the bubbles tickled her, one was shared at every visit, a small cup for her to ensure maximum bubbles) and redirect towards positive things (the birth of her grandchildren or a wonderful experience from her youth she shared with you all).
When she starts in about the trauma from her past, I would tell her that she is safe from all that now, she doesn't have to worry about it and she was very strong to survive it and how proud you are of her, then another positive story and hang up with love and kisses. Set boundaries for how long you will listen and start cutting the time back with each call or every couple. I think 5 minutes is a good place to start and cut back until it's one comment. It's okay to not feed this rumination, she can't help it but, you guys can.
Does she have a life size baby doll to help her occupy her time? Does she love animals? Maybe one of those life like pets would be better, maybe both. My granny loved her baby and it gave us something positive to do with visits. Making a fuss, changing the clothes, bringing a new outfit (thrift stores were great for this), tucking her in for a nap while we went on a walk. A small plush stuffed animal is great to play catch with, helps bring them right to the present and give them some physical activity, my granny was wheelchair bound but, she could toss the stuffed animal and catch it, lots of angles to grab is why I recommend a stuffed animal and not a ball.
Your mom may need encouragement and coaxing to participate. That's okay, it redirects her.
Your sister can give her a hug and simply say, I know mom, hey, look what I brought. I think in person is a bit easier to redirect but, you can start taking control of the direction of the calls and try to bring her something positive, if even just for that moment. And of course see if there is a medication that can benefit her.
Best of luck. This is so hard to see a loved one obsessed with the pain and trauma of their life.
There are antidepressants that specifically reduce rumination. It may take a while to find the right med and the right dosage, but they can be very effective.
The 'broken record' scenario is typical with dementia; it's not that she is 'refusing' to change the subject she's on; it's that she's stuck in a loop which is what happens with dementia. You can try to redirect her, but she'll keep coming back to the subject that's uppermost on her mind at the time. This is a very sad thing mostly for HER, in my opinion, b/c she's reliving the trauma her husband caused her over and over again, in an endless loop. The doctor or geriatric psychiatrist should be informed of this situation so help can be administered to her! Find someone who speaks her language or ask for an interpreter if you're unable to.
As far as you and your sister go, just cut down the time you spend with her on the phone or the length of time your sister spends with her in person, I suppose. I have a very negative mother myself who lives 4 miles away from me in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility. Before she developed dementia, she was bat-sh*t crazy with psychiatric problems galore that honestly got very old & tiresome for me after decades of dealing with them (and her not acknowledging them). As her dementia has become advanced the past few months, her negativity has let up a bit, which is helpful (for me) but I also insisted she be put on Ativan for aggressive anxiety related behaviors at 7 pm each evening. That helped A LOT.
As hard as it is to cope with mothers like this; I've done it the past 64 years as an only child, so I understand. But we're all they have, in reality, so we do what we have to do. Find some ways to cut your convo's short when she stresses you out and take a bath or go for a walk to decompress. Allowing her to live in your HEAD takes up too much space for your OWN thoughts to flourish. You can't 'fix' her, nor can you absorb her problems and make them your own. THAT is the part of the equation you have to acknowledge & let go of, I think. And also understand how dementia works in that she can't help how her brain is directing her to think these days.
My main goal would be to get mom some meds to help calm her down and then the conversations & time spent with her would hopefully be more enjoyable. It's sad that she's feeling so lonely & isolated, which also contributes to worsening dementia. Unless Covid is wildly out of control in her LTC, why are they confining residents to their rooms?? For dementia sufferers, it's vital they get to interact and socialize so they're NOT isolated and withdrawn which winds up helping them manage their anxiety a bit more. Maybe you can find out what the LTCs protocol is moving forward? And get her doctor/geriatric psych involved with meds to improve her quality of life.
Try to take care of yourself in the process and let go of the things you can't control.
Wishing you the best of luck.