I sold my mothers house last May 2022 and moved her to assisted living. She hates it and get mad at me constantly for "selling her house" Well here is the issue... My 43 yr old brother (her baby) whom lived with her, wont work, is an alcoholic and takes any drugs he can get ahold of...
Mom has dementia and got to where she wouldnt take her meds properly, cook, clean, drive or anything... All she wanted to do was lay around and smoke!
Well he was out of the picture this last year until the last 2 months.. Well h e's back and all he** broke loose!
I manage her money. She only has enough to maybe last her 5 yrs in assisted living...
Well... brother has been wanting money from mom... it has caused me all kinds of grief from mom... I say no she gets mad and threatens to"get a lawyer"
What can i do? I wish i could wash my hands of all the POA responsibilities and let someone else deal with it ...
Any suggestions on how to deal with her constantly telling me its her money??
Thanks in advance.
Something that might help is to procure a fiduciary? This was suggested to me by a financial planner who sees these scenarios all the time, unfortunately.
Besides taking care of business, the fiduciary acts as basically a firewall between greedy people and mom’s money. It might take some heat off of you. A fiduciary can tell people with their hands out to go pound sand ( but professionally, of course lol )
I’m not sure what the laws are in your state, whether you can go ahead and get a fiduciary since you’re POA, or if you need to get a written doctor’s assessment of your mom’s mental incompetence. A good fiduciary should know this too.
One head’s up though; my mom’s money is locked up like Fort Knox now, so once it became apparent that NOBODY was touching her assets - for her care - I’ve started getting requests for her specific belongings. Just ugh. When she goes I’m diving under a rock.
Watching over a parent with dementia is difficult enough, adding greedy relatives on top of that adds to the awful. I’m really wishing you the best with all of this!!!
So you need to tell brother that Mom is no longer competent to handle her finances. That there is just enough money for her care only. And he is not getting any of it. I would hope Mom has no checks, credit cards or debit cards in her room. If she does, take them home with you and put them where only you know where they are. Freeze her credit. Tell the bank u want the debit card canceled. Confirm that you are the only person who should be signing checks as POA. Your the only one that should be dealing with the bank in any way. She has Dementia, it no more what she wants, its what she needs.
I see no reason why you can't request that your brother not be allowed on the property. His visits are not good for her. I would make it plain that he was not to take Mom out of the building. You need to realize that you are in charge.
I said no, and here's why.
As POA, your job is to manage her finances FOR HER BENEFIT. It is not beneficial to her in any manner to give your druggie brother Mom's money, and sadly, you are the wall between her and financial ruin. I realize that it's a thankless job, but you need to stand strong because she is not competent to handle her money.
Don't even give her an allowance if you think she'll just hand it over to your brother. Set up an account at her assisted living place if there's something she wants to buy like toiletries or snacks. Ensure that she had no access to cash.
As I explained to my own brother, taking a chunk out of Mom's principal would affect her money's power to work and grow for her. She could have lived many more years for all we knew, plus the money was not his -- NOR MINE -- to do with as I pleased.
Just say no.
You need guardianship. That means A) diagnosis that mom isn't competent to handle her finances B) an understanding of what it is to be guardian/ keeping meticulous records of every penny into and out of mom's accounts C) all power over money of any sort removed from mom.
This is the only certain way of preventing your mom from giving away all of her money. Her giving money away will result in her being unable to get Medicaid when/if she should need it in that future you mention.
Don't delay on this. This is a court application done through an attorney. Your mom's money will pay for/reimburse these court costs.
If, however, your Mom IS competent to make her own decisions there is nothing you can do to protect her. If that is so, and she gives her money away be certain that YOU are in no wise involved as POA, guardian or anything else.
It might be a good idea to have a conversation with an officer at mom's bank. Outline the situation and your role as POA (which shouldn't be news to them) as well as mom's dementia. Tell them to flag her account in case she decides to write a check or brother shows up trying to get money out of her account. Banks do have safeguards, but you'd have to ask what they can do to protect mom.
Agree with her when she tells you it's her money. Tell her how proud you are that she has enough to take care of herself. Then stop talking about it until next time. You don't need to have long involved conversations on the topic, which is moot anyway. You're in charge now.
It might be a good idea to minimize contact with your mother. A daily or weekly phone call isn't necessary if you're being berated, and why you'd want to visit her is beyond me. She's not being nice.
She can't help a lot of her behavior - she has dementia. But you don't have to deal with her anger, especially if you're not around much anymore.
Your mother can also say whatever she wants but the answer is (politely) the same as for brother.
“I’ll find out when I go to the bank, Mom”.
”The bank is waiting for your check, Mom. I’ll let you know when it comes”.
In your situation I’d tell the AL NOT to admit your brother, but they might not be able to ENFORCE it.
You might feel more secure if you touched base with a lawyer (using Mom’s funds to pay for the visit) to determine exactly how to control brother.
If you are doing what Mom needs to have done, you’re doing a good job.