I need some support. Grandmother is saying hurtful things and I revert to being 10 years old again. Advice would be helpful!

Great advise from everyone.

The thing I found helpful was to "practice" whatever I needed to say. I'd do it in front of the mirror or with my husband in "role play". It seems to 'set' better in your brain than just thinking about what you'll say. The more you practice, the better you will become at having the response you want rather than what comes spewing out of your mouth.

It's more than hard NOT to engage in a conversation where you are being attacked. Knee-jerk responses are the norm but you will have practiced your responses and have them at the ready.

Also, there are things like meditation, exercise classes, bio-feedback, breathing exercises, music therapy, hot showers and the like to ease the stress of your situation. Of course this forum is where you can let it ALL hang out!

The timing (late afternoon) of her 'different' behavior sounds just like sundowning, especially since she was nice to you at lunchtime. Unfortunately, she's at the age where dementias are the most prevalent. UTI's also wreak havoc on the elderly (women mostly). See if you can't get her doc to run a urine test.

In my late 90's I think I'd be a bit b*tchy too from just living too long. She's gotta' be tired with all the years she's seen.

As they say, be a duck and let her comments roll off your back.

Good luck. Let us know what worked and how you're coping.

I would use reflective listening. That means when she makes a complaint, you clarify and repeat her grievance. "I understand that you feel..." Ask a question, " How does that (her grievance) make you feel?" "I can see how feeling that way could be frustrating." etc. That can diffuse the anger of the moment. She may not understand or care how you are feeling at that moment, but validating how they feel can be a help in deescalating the "tantrum." And remember, while you are going through your day, most likely in control of each of your decisions, she is "stuck" at home with all the time in the world to obsess over the things that prevent her from the freedoms of her life of her past. Those days she is verbally abusive, she may have felt a lot of anxiety or even fear during the day and it manifests itself in criticism toward you. It is so hard to maintain your cool at the end of a long work day, and she probably has no idea how much of yourself you pour into her care, but you can do this. During or after the episode use anything that works - aromatherapy....music...deep breathing to give you positive biofeedback. Do you have any help? If so, perhaps the dinner hour would be an ideal time for them to stop by for an hour or so in late afternoon to help with dinner prep. On those days, you arrive near the end of the helper's stay creating a buffer. Just an idea.

The best way to handle these "outbursts" are to not take them personally. It is bad for the heart issue that you've worked so hard on, so do not engage in her acrimonious behavior, as difficult as that is; you must not, else you fall ill.

Dearest Gbprincess, even though I KNOW "it's not her, it's the disease", and "her brain is broken", and that I should not ever try to defend, argue, or rationalize with my mom... in the moment of hearing those hurtful things thrown my way like daggers - especially after bending over backwards in constant care for her - it is just HARD!!! I am human. And it sure doesn't feel any different than intentional cruelty when you are on the receiving end.

This gig requires patience and love beyond measure (and sometimes reason). Would that we could all be saints, exceptionally spiritually qualified for this!

It has helped me immensely to read your query, and also to read this thread full of responses. Sometimes just the reminder that there are so many other souls out there experiencing what we experience is all the help we need to go on for awhile longer. We are surely in plenty of good company, for what it's worth.

Hugs, prayers, and blessings to you all!!

Reminds me of a couple of difficult inlaws. What seemed to work the best is rather than defending yourself and prolonging the discussion was to say "I'm sorry you feel like that" and walk away. The problem with self-defense is that the other person digs further into the complaint and gets more convinced that they are right. If you say one sentence in a calm and final way and leave, it pulls the plug.

Suggest you look up Alzheimer's Reading Room, as several ideas there.

My mother tried to overwhelm me with the worst of her put-downs, but after I confronted her with "I wish you would just take your {whatever} and toss it in the trash, because it's not doing anything but hurting. It's too bad you feel that way, but I love you anyway." Amazingly, it worked!

Advice: Vent here. I'm dealing with the same thing from my mom and my stepfather and unfortunately, it is what it is.

Whether it's age onset dementia, crankiness, bitterness…

The sad truth is that at this point, we need to decipher the everyday bitterness from a Urinary Tract Infection. The most important thing for you is to take care of yourself!

The lack of gratitude is difficult, but when it turns into criticism, constant arguing (and, in my case, being treated like a slave-robot), it WILL destroy you.

Reach out to support groups for caregivers, vent here and please try to have compassion and logic (they don't mean it, it's not who they've always been).

My parents were driving me into the ground, I was getting into car accidents, forgetting my own work schedule- just trying to manage the endless demands and my own life. If you look up "caregiver burnout", I was the definition.

I finally took an involuntary respite. I broke down to the point that I couldn't deal with any of it anymore. The guilt has been illness-inducing and none of our lives have gotten back on track since.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Reach out for support, remember the better times and try to be compassionate.

Best of luck to you, love ❤️ Prayers 🙏🏻