I no longer feel affection for my mother. Is this normal?

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I no longer feel affection for my mother. Is this normal?

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I've been solo-caregiving (I have siblings but they physically can't and won't help) my 98 year old mother remotely for 6 years. In that time she's been in 7 rehabs, had 2 broken hips, fractured back, pacemaker, etc. I finally had to put her in a beautiful AL place (that my siblings and I pay dearly for). I just spent 4 months out there away from my home and neglecting my job to help with the transition and critical medical stuff. I feel so drained, psychologically and emotionally fractured from the stress, physical and mental. At times I thought I would have a stroke (and I am in great physical condition-or was). I just got back to my own home, and I am dreading every interaction with her--and anything that reminds me of her. For example: I used to love exploring her family history, and have done extensive research. I now can barely stand looking at old family items. I threw everything nostalgic item (old measuring cups, etc.) away when cleaning out her home that I used to swear I would keep forever. The beautiful stuff like serving dishes etc. I gave to other family members. I want nothing to do with it and all I have are the bad memories of our current interactions. I cannot blame her--she is weak and lost her independence, is soaking through 20 Depends a day, has spontaneous tears in skin that bleed, losing her eyesight and hearing. In addition, all the codependency I thought I worked through in 12-step programs came roaring back, and I feel like the 7-14 year old seeing my mother depressed and trying to save her from her self. Maybe my reaction now of hating her and wanting to get rid of the physical stuff is the only way I can free myself emotionally? Not sure. But has anyone else experienced a profound shift when caregiving and reaching their limit where they hate the person they once loved? When people say to me, "You are such a loving daughter," I want to scream. I do it out of duty not love. She is a fragile, vulnerable human being and it is not right to abandon her. I guess that IS love. But not the love that feels good. She sacrificed a lot to raise us with good values. She can still be very funny --and sarcasm his her MO when upset. But she hates the AL situation, she hates being dependent, and I hate caring for her; it drains me financially, emotionally, physically. It distresses me that I cannot feel love for her anymore, only resentment; and the family history I once loved is now to me a reminder of her and I want to abandon it. I wish every day for her to die because I don't want to see her suffer, but I admit I also don't want to do this anymore. But the worst/ strangest thing is this wanting to rid myself of every memory of her and throw everything out of hers. Has anyone else gone through this?

Burnout Mental Health Relationships

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Please get help; you are so worn out now that you are virtually numb. You are longing for this to be over and afraid to go there because it means you are wishing your Mom dead and gone. To be frank many, perhaps most of us get to the place we are praying for the release of those we love, for their death, for both themselves and for US as well.
You are CORRECTLY terrified this stress will kill you, and if you do not find an outlet of truth telling it honestly could.
Please seek out a Licensed Psychologist or a Social Worker, licensed and certified and working in private practice. They are often best at life transitions work.
I felt only relief when my beloved parents passed in their mid 90s. Only relief for them and for my fear for them. And the same was mostly the case with my beloved brother. I am certain, being 80 now, that my 60 year old daughter is feeling that fear of what is to come, for me--for her.
We live too long. I was a nurse all my life. I wish we all had an easy final exit.
My heart goes out to you.

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Thank you so much... I have heard from many nurses that they understand when I mean I wish my mother would pass... You've seen it all. It's hard to say to my friends because they all think it's a blessing that my mother is still alive. It's not. They also happen to be people who never took care of their parents, ha ha.

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I spent 10.5 years caring for and dealing with my mother and her continuous histrionics, illnesses, dementia and nonsense ......and it wasn't remotely, it was from 4 miles away, So when I tell you I GET IT, I really get it 100%. Love turns to resentment turns to bitterness, burn out and compassion fatigue in short order. I also watched every penny of my inheritance as an an only child get frittered away on a monthly basis for all those years till there was nothing left of that either. All I felt when my mother passed in February was relief that the whole ordeal was finally over with, for her at 95 and me at 64.

Right or wrong, normal or abnormal, our feelings are ours and we're entitled to them....they've been earned. I went thru my mother's things with lightening speed, donated most, kept some, and that ended the longest chapter of my life, setting me free finally. Thank God.

Lots of us get it, my friend. All the best to you as you push thru what lies ahead.

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Thank you ou so much for your incisive reply. It helps so much that other people get it."Love turns to resentment turns to bitterness, burn out and compassion fatigue in short order.".... Exactly.

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I understand totally. My mother died in 2016. I felt nothing other than relief. I was done. I didn't consider it an honor to take care of her. I just wanted it OVER. I went thru her belongings, settled the estate and was happy it was over. I kept a few things that had belonged to my paternal grandmother and that was it.

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Thank you--I am going through things as we speak and getting rid of them with a clear conscience. It helps to know others understand.

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The total aversion, virtually an allergic reaction, to anything that has to do with her is what is actually meant by burnout. Burnout is one of those terms that has been overused so that people have lost sight of the precise condition it describes, but you have just described it. Your caregiving motor has been running under pressure for too long, over too tough a distance, and it has burned out.

You need a total break. Stay away from the memorabilia, don't attempt to deal with anything that doesn't need to be done now, and limit contact as far as possible. For example, you can send cards/flowers/emails most days, and phone a lot less often. You can discuss medical or care issues with the medical or AL staff and agree the plan with them, leaving them to communicate with your mother.

You must insulate yourself. The hatred pulses will pass, but it takes time. You don't hate her, you are in pain and exhausted. Take time out. Hugs.

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Thank you SO much; very helpful advice! I did take just 4 days off from calling (I have siblings agree to call at least 1 day a week) and felt much better, so my call on the fifth day was so much better. Today I had to talk to the doctor about her incontinence etc and it spun me back to feeling drained and resentful. I appreciate your understanding the "hatred pulses" and advice about the memorabilia.

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Completely normal. Most people think it's great when someone lives until almost 100 or past 100 years old but it isn't. Amazing what the human body can endure and keep going and going and it feels like it will never end.

I totally get wanting to purge all things related to mom at this point. It is the only thing you can control.

With all her problems it sounds like a nursing home and not assisted living would have been the way to go. Sounds like you are in dire need of a month long break or more from mom all together.

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Thank you so much for your reply. I do need to detach more and I do think getting rid of the "stuff" is the first--and easiest--way. Next I need to emotionally and mentally detach so I am not consumed by thoughts of how I can make an unfixable situation better. I cannot.

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I was also a solo, long distance caregiver for both mom and dad for about 7 years or so. My folks were very stubborn about any help or assisted living, neither had any executive reasoning.

My folks spent the last four years of their lives with zero quality of life. You know what it’s like so I’ll spare the details.

My mom suffered from depression all her life and it was worse by the time I got them in care. I would come away from each visit a complete basket case. But I did what had to be done, head down, charging through each new crisis.

I just wanted it to be over for them and me. I held a lot of anger and resentment for a long time. They’ve both died now, dad last to go in 2020.

These days I’m having more memories of better times with my folks. For awhile I was still very angry they didn’t make any plans for old age and left me scrambling, but it passes.

It’s ok to be mad at your mom and even to hate her but that’s gets tiring. I had to detach and look at it like an unpleasant job, doing what was best whether they liked it or not. Usually not.

I think you’ll survive this. No one was as unprepared as I was for elder caregiving and I’m doing pretty well now. Best of luck to you.

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Thank you so much for the kindness and understanding of your reply; it was very helpful! I do have more hope now that "this too shall pass," and I do need to work on detachment. The past few days have been much better thanks to everyone's understanding and support and sharing of experiences.

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My mother and I had a very complicated relationship, which luckily smoothed out somewhat when I married my delightful husband (he charmed HER TOO!)

mom and I ALWAYS laughed about not EVER wanting us to live under the same roof, and I would laugh and AGREE.

When she broke her hip at 89, and revealed her added diagnosis of dementia, I ridiculously decided that she should have a trial living at home with me.

It was a ridiculous decision on my part. I gained 60 pounds, stopped sleeping, and thought my life would end.

Thankfully I only lasted for a little less than 1 months, then found her a wonderful nearby residential care setting, and we both survived.

SO? I think your feelings are DEFINITELY “normal”. You are depleted, exhausted, and your own emotional reserves are at their lowest.

I think your approach is reasonably healthy IF ( a BIG IF)- you can USE your emotions to motivate you to restore a loving relationship with yourself, and YOUR needs and enthusiasms.

It took me a while, but I did it and I’m grateful now, after several years, that I was able to give her 5 1/2 lovely years in residential care. She LOVED her caregivers, and they LOVED HER!

The only change I’d suggest would be for you to “allow” her to pay her own way, and not draw on your resources or your siblings’. I used close to a million dollars of my mother’s funds to pay for her care, and don’t begrudge her a cent.

I’m hoping that by treating yourself well, your anger will gradually, little by little, decrease to the vanishing point. You stepped up, and you DESERVE the BEST.

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Lasted for TEN (10!) months!

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When you said

When people say to me, "You are such a loving daughter," I want to scream. I do it out of duty not love. She is a fragile, vulnerable human being and it is not right to abandon her.

I saw my myself in those words.

Kudos to you for deciding to get rid of all the stuff, even the measuring cup. All the junk in my mom's house sure colors my every thought of her, because I know it will be/has been be me sorting and taking care of disposing all of it somehow. It's absolute drudgery. Not love.

Hopefully years down the road we will both be able to separate the drudgery from our memories of mom. You'll have no regrets knowing you took care of her and made sure she was taken care of. You've been selfless, which is a kind of love.

Time for you now.

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Natasana, YOU are just as important as your mom.
You also are a "fragile, vulnerable human being". You have to see that and value that.
Taking care of someone does not mean YOU personally HAVE to do all the work. Placing someone in a Skilled Nursing facility, Memory Care IS taking care of them. YOU are making sure they are getting cared for 24/7 by staff that are there all the time.
Allowing someone to care for her and do the hands on care YOU can be a daughter first once again and a caregiver/manager second.

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Wicki: I hear you and I empathize. You're describing my life and feelings to a T. Thank you for posting and thank you all for answering. It's helped me!

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Thank you so much... Like you, mostly it means a lot to me the people understand.

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You feel how you feel.
That is OK.
Much self-care may be needed to restore your drained heart, mind & body.

Be kind to yourself today.

Your tale inspired me to a little haiku (it's the thought that counts, right? Not talent).

🏵️🏵️🏵️
Your Mother is old,
Her time soon gone, recycle,
Thinking - keep or pass.
🌼🌼🌼

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Thank you Beatty--that is beautiful actually! It inspires in me more tenderness than I have felt in awhile. Thank you...

I no longer feel affection for my mother. Is this normal?

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