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Sounds to me like your mom is in a routine (staying at home and watching tv) and doesn't know how or feel comfortable changing it or going out alone. My mother was very social but as her friends died she became more isolated. By the time my father went into long term care and she moved in with me she was against going to the senior center or new church circles although she enjoyed her great-grandchildren who lived with us or next door daily. After she fell and was wheelchair bound, I asked her to "try" the adult day care program for ME so I would know she was with others and okay for a few hours while I was working. After she went, she loved it and continued going (when it was open - covid) for the rest of her life. I cannot say she developed a lot new friendships but she enjoyed the activities with the people present and the people that came in, particularly the students from local colleges music and drama programs. Mom and I almost always attended the free music programs put on by the college choirs and sometimes the churches put on music programs too.

I encourage you to talk to your mom about her depression and attending some senior center programs for YOU to relieve some of your concerns about her. You may find she enjoys them after a few sessions. Likewise, I would encourage you to find some activities you enjoy - maybe with your grandchildren. I still have an original wii (almost 20 years old) and play baseball and target shooting games with the younger kids. There's a toy story targeting game (thoring balls at objects to knock them over) for my firetv that my grand-nephew stills enjoys, as well as tetris. You can purchase the refurbished game systems or firetvs for about $20 at times; I have seen them at yard sales for as little as $5 - don't know if NYC has the same resale options we have here in the somewhat rural south). The kids have more elaborate game systems but they still like playing some of the oldies with the old lady (me).
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Jengem55 Jan 11, 2024
Thats cute! I will try to persuade my mom to get involved in some senior programs and activities. I have suggested these things to her but she is and never was a social person. She expressed she was not interested. Will try again. My granddaughter comes ever Saturday to Sunday. She's a lot of fun but I'm so exhausted as I still work. I do my best
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My mom used to watch 60 year black and white cowboy pictures in the morning and Judge Judy in the afternoon. I learned to love J.J.

Since she died, there are so many things I wished I had asked her.

Try to get her to talk about your dad, where they went on dates, how he proposed. What was his mom like? Get her to talking and gradually turn the t.v. volume down. I bet it's on full volume. :)
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Jengem55 Jan 11, 2024
Thats very sweet. I feel bad about complaining because one day she will be gone and I will wish I could sit with her and watch a religious or any other programs she likes, so long as I have her with me. But right now, it's driving me crazy. I love her dearly. My mom used to watch Judge Judy a lot but they started repeating the shows. Judge Judy handled my child, visitation case in court in NYC. My deceased husband wanted to take our son every other weekend but it was a bad situation. Don't want to get into it. Bad memories. Judge Judy was very mean to me and unfair. Anyway, that's neither here or there, sometimes I watch Judge Judy. I love to watch court cases. You learn a lot from watching.
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JenGem, you say “I know she won't want to watch what I like.. She won't do it. She will go nuts”. The site gets just so many posters who won’t do what they want, won’t do the sensible things, because their LO “ will go nuts”. It gets worse as time goes on. Standing up to it gets harder and harder, and your life gets more and more restricted. When dementia creeps in, change for her and also change for you gets to be extremely difficult.

You need to consider doing what YOU want to do. Risk the meltdown. Leave M to think about it after you leave. Let her reconsider whether she is in charge of what you do, and what you are supposed to like. Be blunt. Tell her what you told us: “I once enjoyed spending time with you” but now you don’t. You have grieved for your Dad for 3 years, but you can't keep on doing it for the rest of your life. She didn't start grieving when she was 55. You need to have new things to enjoy, including happier time with her.

If you let her get fixed in thinking that her ideas should govern YOU, it is not a good sign for your willingness for longer caregiving. For both your sakes, think again.
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Jengem55 Jan 11, 2024
True. I want to be happier. I'm a very sick lady as it is. I don't know how long I will be on this earth but I want to just be. I have so many serious ailments. I have Emphysema, Ulcerative Colitis, And now IPMN Pancreatic cysts. I have to forever get a cat scan every six months. It's worrisome and I feel this big cloud looming over me. Like I can't breathe.
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Jen,

Your mom knows that you love her. You don’t have to prove anything to her.

Showing someone that you love them doesn’t mean that you have to sacrifice everything for them.

You have to believe that you are worthy of showing love to yourself. You have your own issues to deal with. You have serious health concerns.

Your mom needs to understand that you have your own needs and interests. A good relationship means that both parties are satisfied. Yes, you can support your mom. She should also support you. It looks like this has been a one way street. You have done all of the supporting.

We can unintentionally teach someone to depend upon us for too long because we feel like we should. I made this mistake with my mom and I am sorry that I did because in the long run it really isn’t helping either person. We become miserable and we prevent them from growing.

I was fortunate to find a terrific therapist. He was a no nonsense guy who didn’t pull any punches. He helped me see things more clearly.

The good news is that we can learn from our mistakes and pass our experiences onto others and hopefully they will learn from it too.
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Jengem55 Jan 11, 2024
My mom is supportive of me too but because I'm her only daughter, and friend, she expects me to want to watch what she likes. I don't tell my mom how much her tv viewing drives me nuts, but I know she has an idea that I'm annoyed. I think she is hoping that the shows will grow on me. And I will become a Dorothy and she will be Sophia from the show, "Golden Girls". I love the show but I'm still an individual.
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I’d be on the lookout for your mom falling for a scam. Her world is getting more & more narrow. Really easy for her to be taken in a scam that aligns with the fear factor that many of the quasi religious programs put out.

Easy peasy to get fleeced of one’s entire life’s savings in a few weeks.
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Jengem55 Jan 14, 2024
What she watches is legit. She is careful. The religious programs she watches never asks for money. She watches them on YouTube. Pretty much everything she watches on YouTube annoys me. My mom helps me a lot. My mom and one of my brothers who lives with her came over to my house yesterday. My elderly mom cleaned some of my cabinets and cooked for my brother and I. I feel like such an ingrate.

As soon as she came to my house, she put my TV on YouTube and was looking for a specific religious program or devotional for me to watch. She explained it was like the sermon was intended for me. She couldn't find it because she did not know the name of the sermon.

She was surfing all of the YouTube religious sermons one by one. I was going nuts. My mom and brother came over around 3:30 pm. It was almost 10:30 at at night, and they were still at my house. I got on my phone. Was getting so anxious. I had suggested to watch a movie, again.
But it didn't happen. Mom got the hint that I was bored.

Today, I came over to my mom's to make some chicken empanadas for my son's birthday on Friday. She helps me a lot. She boiled and seasoned the chicken for me so all I had to do was put the meat in the empanada disks.

She put you YouTube again and said I had to watch a video of scary rides. Ugh. After this, I suggested to watch a movie and her response is that there is nothing to watch. I asked her to watch a movie with me on YouTube, but I think she needs to have a subscription. There goes that.

I asked her if she wanted to go to the movies with me on Saturday because I will be staying with my mom on Friday night, reluctantly. My son who lives with me asked if he can have the apt to himself to be with his girl on his birthday.

My son moved back with me because his marriage did not work out. I agreed to let him have the place to himself but I am dreading to be with my mom all morning, afternoon, and night on Saturday. It's sad. It was never like this I loved staying with my parents. That is until my dad passed away. The temperatures on Saturday will be frigid and I'm a very sick lady. But I will go to the movie with mom or alone so long as I don't have to sit to watch her programs all day. I just can't do it anymore. It's been more than 3 years of this. I don't know if you guys have ever seen the movie "Bedazzled" with Brenden Frasier. But there is a scene where the actress who played his girlfriend was fed up with his crying over the sunset constantly, and his overbearing ways ways. She was overwhelmed. I feel just like her. I know Im rambling on and don't make any sense. Sorry guys.
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