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When I came this morning to my parents, I noticed my mother was covered in urine. (Apparently she had messed with the diapers during the night..)
The hardest thing is to undress her. While striving to remove mum's sweatpants in the bathroom, I told her really quietly a couple of times to shut up because she was being so resistant and saying something I couldn't understand.
I know she barely heard my phrase "shut up" - and wouldn't remember it later, anyway - but I felt bad afterward, as in 99% of cases I am patient with her.
Should I feel guilty now? Thanks.

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If the worst thing I've said to my Dad was "shut up" I'd consider myself a candidate for sainthood!
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Momheal1 Nov 2021
Thank you! And me too!
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Tony
There is quiet a bit written on this forum about guilt. I think it’s pretty hard to train yourself not to feel guilt but maybe possible to use it as a sign that you are on the edge of what you are able to bear without adjustments being made.

Your mothers condition will continue to decline. Knowing that, it might be time to make adjustments in her care. Those adjustments can be as simple as doing some mindfulness exercises with yourself before arriving to her home or as extensive as hiring help to take that chore over or placing her in a facility for more care than you are able to provide. You know your situation best.

You sound like a great son to your parents.
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Why should you feel guilty? Did you cause physical harm to your mom?

My husband is extremely deaf. I say things under my breath ALL THE TIME!! Mostly venting to myself, but I have told him to shut up, to go away, to give me 5 minutes of peace. It makes me feel better, he can't hear me, so no harm no foul. If he did hear me, he wouldn't remember what I said 2 minutes later.

So get rid of the guilt for acting like a human
Hugs to you.
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Tony11 Nov 2021
Thanks. No, I didn't cause any harm any harm to mum. She is always so uncooperative with undressing ;( but I also know she's not aware of that..
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Oh, goodness!!

When I think of the things I have either thought or muttered ubder my breath when trying to deal with my mom, I blush. Also all the times I drove home, crying and pounding the steering wheel of my car out of the sheer frustration of trying to deal with her at times...

No, no guilt. Just a human trying to make it through a difficult time. Maybe it's time for some outside help?
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For me, "let's get you comfy first" (in my kindest, sweetest tones) = "WILL YOU STOP YABBERING ON AND PLEASE LET ME HEAR MYSELF THINK" which would of course get me fired on the spot.

The only possible problem with what happened with your mother would be if she was trying to tell you that she didn't want you to handle her. I assume there's no option anyway, but if you think that could be an issue then you should pause, step back, acknowledge her (apparent) feelings, and say "we really just need to get this done. Is that okay?"
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All of these responses made me chuckle and this is exactly the reason I survived the hard days - it is exactly why I was able to survive year one and why I continue to stand up after I fall 3 years in - because I know I am not alone in the world of caregiving and elder care. I know other people really do get it. Wishing you all a great Sunday! 🦋
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Oh my gosh....Please be easy on yourself. No guilt to put on yourself - not even a little. You certainly do not deserve that.

I think you are doing so much - and so amazingly. Just be kind to yourself. Sending blessings for peace ~
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I used to go to my van, shut the door, then screamed out my frustration. But now, my mother's Alzheimer's is so advanced to where she can't understand much, so I feel free to mutter whatever I want in front of her in order to lower my blood pressure and prevent myself from blowing up.
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LOL. No don’t feel guilty. She was obviously driving you crazy. We’re you in there with her or can she take care of herself? If you have to be with her, earplugs or earphone with music helps.
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Your feelings are your feelings. It doesn't matter what we think.

Perhaps try to keep in mind that the parent-child relationship has switched, and you are now the parent. Try to exhibit the same patience with your mother that you would with a child. Kids are trying, too, but did we tell our kids to shut up?

Years ago my mother told me about how queen Victoria was mortified to have to be watched by her ministers as she gave birth to her children. (It was to prevent a different infant from being switched with the royal heirs.) Supposedly Victoria's mother reminded her daughter that her duty to her country superceded her modesty by telling her to "close your eyes and think of England."

When you're frustrated with your mother, think of your duty to her, close your eyes, and think of England. :-)
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