I really don’t want to visit mom for Christmas. Doing so causes my stress level to go up. What do I do?

What most people don't understand about having a parent in Memory Care is that first off, it's a necessity for them to be in there TO BEGIN with. These nasty mothers or fathers become a whole lot nastier once dementia sets in and to keep them home is dangerous & impossible, b/c hired caregivers tend to QUIT by the droves. And it's not SAFE for them to be in a home environment ANYWAY! Not that an explanation of 'why' should be required in the first place.

Secondly, what most people don't understand is that we 'children' of elders with dementia are managing their entire LIVES while they live in the Memory Care, just as this OP is doing. Sometimes getting very depressed and burned out in the process. Trying to figure out how to pay the enormous bills that come with MC, how to juggle checkbooks and finances, etc., and how to make X amount of dollars last until the parent dies when they'll probably live to be 100. And then what? Then we have to jump through more fiery hoops to get them approved for Medicaid and placed into another facility with a roommate where the complaining will be ramped up even FURTHER than it was while they were living with the 'crazy morons' in Memory Care. It's no joke folks, what we do, no joke at ALL. The depression and hopelessness we 'children' feel sometimes is overwhelming. Their lack of gratitude and/or civility towards us for ALL that we DO for them is unbelievable. There's no understanding on their part of all that's involved for US, nada.

Then comes The Visits. The visits that are pure torture most times. The complaining, the carrying on, the senseless questions and repetitive statements that we have to figure out how to distract them from, all of it is hard on us. Yes, it's hard for them too, but nobody looks at what WE go through! The stomach aches that precede each visit are very real. Chewing Tums becomes the new norm. Trying to come up with fiblets and stories to ward off the inevitable questions about the dead relatives and where they are & why they're not visiting is very, very stressful. Then there are OUR health issues b/c we are retirees most of us! Our life issues that have to be put to the side while we straighten out THEIR chronic problems Every. Single. Day. Phone calls that never stop, from doctors, and the Memory Care itself, about the falls and the medication changes, and the UTIs and asking us if we want the parent taken to the hospital for low pulse rates and on and on and ON.

For the OP to say 'this is just a small part of what I'm going through' is a gross understatement. She also has houses to deal with and hoards to clean out all while her mother is ranting about bank statements and stocks. And the thought of bringing statements by for her to look at is LUDICROUS! Just another torture device for the mother to use against her b/c there would be NO comprehension of what she was looking at! Next thing you know, the daughter will be STEALING her money!

To the OP. God bless you and keep you, my friend. My heart goes out to you for all you're doing and all your pain & suffering. Call your mother for Christmas and wish her a Merry Christmas. Then do whatever it is YOU want to do for that day, w/o worrying about Depends or finances or medications or hoards or houses or delusions or ANY of the 24/7 crap you've been dealing with for far too long now. Take the day to YOURSELF and don't let the guilt set in for one second. Have a stress free day for ONCE in your life. You deserve to.

Thank YOU for letting ME vent.

I am 72 and when seeing this post again what came to mind was
"One thing nice about getting older is that I don't need to do anything I don't want to. I have learned the word 'No'.

I don't visit my *axis of evil* on holidays. She ruined enough of them for me. Her dementia is advanced and she doesn't know I was there 5 minutes after I have left anyway.
Do not go! Start taking care of you. You have lost enough because of her 💜

I had major surgery at the end of October. November was completely lost in complications and re-hospitalizations.

I feel like I am just now coming out of the fog.

I have to have further treatments over the next few weeks.

I don't know if I can possibly add a visit to see my mother at Christmas, with the mental and physical load that I'm under.

Maybe it's the same for you. Maybe it's just too much. If we go under, we won't be visiting them anyway....so why not just have some kindness for ourselves right now?

Just thinking out loud, and to say that I understand what you're facing.

Spend time with positive people who bring good things to your life. Care for mom at a safe for you distance. Enjoy the holidays minus the expectations and guilt

Holidays are so fraught with expectations that it is a wonder we make it though.
If you do not want to visit don't. At least not on Christmas.
Go before, go after...if you wish to.
Send a gift. Send a card.
(I would also send the staff a tray of cookies or other treat that can be shared *store bought and delivered, not homemade*)

I realized something while caring for my Husband, and it became an eye opener for me.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and all the other holidays are/ were JUST days to him. To have a bunch of people over just confused him and the "holiday" had no meaning for him. It was just another day just like the one before it, the one before that and on and on. I spent many a "holiday" with just the 2 of us at home and for me the "holiday" was just another day. I did the exact same thing 365 days a year.

So visit your mom when you want to when you are less stressed.
By the way there is no "rule" that says you have to visit at all. You can manage her care without visiting her. You can see her without her seeing you if you so wish. Pop in when they are having a meal and watch from a distance so that you can see she is doing well. If they are going on an outing find out when and where they will be and you can "happen" to be in the same area.
You can be a good care manager, a good advocate without it effecting your emotional stability.
I have said on may occasions that when it is not safe to care for someone at home it is time to place them,. That safety is not just physical but mental, emotional safety as well.

Just don't go is the answer I would go with. The facility will have some holiday events for residents. You do what makes you happy.

You have been a blessing to her and done, and continue to do, a huge amount of work for her benefit. You do not owe her a Christmas visit and you neither need permission nor owe anyone any explanations. (I have not read all the responses but was shocked to read “she’s your mother; go visit her on Christmas.) Dear sweet daughter, no. Get away with your husband, stay home and relax, do anything that brings you a feeling of comfort and joy. You have ensured she is in a place where she gets the care she needs. That’s enough. And whether she was the perfect mother or the perfect opposite, your life is your life. You are entitled to a piece of it, yes? Yes, sweet daughter. Yes.

I have diabetes. Every time I visit Mom, my sugar level drops like a rock. Apparently this is stress because that doesn’t happen very often otherwise. I have reduced the times I visit to about once every 2 weeks. I would suggest that you need to take care of yourself first. You hold down tremendous responsibility for your mother, and if you aren’t able, who will do all those things? Take care of yourself.

If she is nearby just go for a short time. Bring a present and if she starts getting mean, angry, etc. just say "I have to go now." That's it. You don't have to stay all day, you don't have to answer all her questions or demands. You just skim in and out. Your guilt is assuaged and you don't need to stick around for her abuse (which she really has very little control of since she her brain is injured).