I did take advice from this forum by turning off the
phone a certain time during the day so my routine would not be interrupted with my husband, plus I need some rest at the end of the day. The last couple of times that he called my DH it would always be when my brother in law was outside either getting lunch or whatever. During these times my husband would have a hard time hearing him because the background is so noisy and I know that bothers my husband's concentration. I have told him again not to call while there is so much chaos in the background. He just won't listen. I'm at my wits end again with this situation .Don't know what to do anymore because it is the only relative that calls. Should I let this go and forget about it? Love to hear everyone's input. Thank you.
My answer to THIS QUESTION was yes, I would since it's the only relative that stays in touch with your husband. I would keep reminding his brother. He's probably elderly too and doesn't have the best memory. Or he could be like my mother. She says she has to call while she's thinking of something or she'll forget. She doesn't have dementia but she is getting up there in years.
Here's what you posted about your brother's FRIEND (not his brother) in the replies I just read on your last question: "The friend who told him about the death is also the friend who brought him to a baseball game last year and when he brought him home, he brought him to a strangers house and my husband was trying to enter that home with his key. Thank God he did not leave my husband there by himself, he would have gotten lost. I reached my boiling point this time around with the death comment so I blocked him."
Now that the troublesome friend is out of the way and you turn the phone off when you don't want to be interrupted or need to rest, can you answer this question:
Is the only remaining problem with brother the background noise and calling from noisy places?
That's how I read your new posted question today but maybe there's more.
Does your BIL have a wife or children who you could talk to if he's not listening or remembering not to call from noisy places? Or is your husband the only relative your BIL talks to?
I'm quite certain you have DHs best interests at heart and aren't trying to be cruel by setting down rules your BIL refuses to follow. In his ignorance or denial of his brothers dementia, he's not listening or complying with the simple requests you're making of him and doing things "his way" which causes chaos for DH. Relaying bad news to him causes YOU who knows how much stress, not to mention your husbands stress in trying to comprehend death.
Only you can decide what's right to do with this situation as your DHs primary caregiver. Don't ask for permission or second guess yourself, either. Good luck.
If he is going to continue to be disrespectful, then let his calls go to voicemail. Would giving him periodic updates about his brother be a compromise?
Were he and his brother close before? How far along is your husband’s dementia? Does your husband even know who is calling him?
The bottom line is that you are his wife. You know what is best for your household.
I can't help but think the BIL might be old and not have the best memory either. It could be he calls from wherever he is when he thinks of something he wants to tell his brother about. That's a guess. My mother always says she has to call while she's thinking of something or she'll forget. She doesn't have dementia but she is getting up there in years.
The part of her question where she asked:
"Don't know what to do anymore because it is the only relative that calls. Should I let this go and forget about it? "
Made me think it wasn't so disruptive that she couldn't consider letting it go and letting her husband's only relative who calls still talk to him.
I think she should keep reminding BIL to call from places without noisy backgrounds and remind her husband to tell him that too if he can't hear or understand with all the background noise.
"In particular he has one brother that will call every single day and interrupt my schedule with my husband because I like to have a routine. I have told him time and time again but he won't listen. Then there is a friend who told him about a death of someone that wasn't necessary for my husband to know this information and then I had to deal with the aftetmath. I'm at my wits end with these people. I suffer from flare ups of Epstein Barr and all this stress has gotten to me."
This BIL does not get it and does not want to get it. OP has said that her husband never stood up for her with his family. Because of this, his family probably does not respect a thing she says. SHE has to deal with the aftermath. Have you taken care of someone 24/7 who has ALZ. So, its time for OP to stand up for herself "this is the way its going to be. You play by my rules or not at all'. Her husband is no longer competent to make decisions so she needs to make them. So, if the BIL wants to talk to his brother he talks to him when convenient to her. She can again tell him not to say certain things because it upsets her husband and then she is the one to deal with it. If talking to his brother is causing anxiety or him to become uncontrollable, she has a right to say, no more calls.
I am so glad my Dads sister died before my Mom. She would have been so much like this BIL. Ever decision I made concerning my Mom would have been scrutinized. She never went out of her way for anyone. She had my grandmother for 2 years and you may have thought it was 20. Then she had her placed. She never did the care. My cousin was living there with her sm daughter and I will bet u she did it. You have no idea how some family members can drive u to drink. My Aunt thought she knew it all too.
"I did take advice from this forum by turning off the phone a certain time during the day so my routine would not be interrupted with my husband, plus I need some rest at the end of the day."
It sure sounds to me like she was saying she already solved the problem from her first post. She said she took suggestions from the forum for that. Then she explained what was happening during the times she determined it was ok for her BIL to call. She said he was calling from places with noisy backgrounds. That was a new and different problem.
Did you miss the part where she said how she solved the problem from her first post?
I re-read your question to be sure that's what you explained and it is and your husband has a hard time hearing him. The background noise interferes with his concentration.
You asked whether to let it go and forget about it if BIL himself cannot remember to not call from places with a noisy background.
My recommendation is yes, let it go. It's only a short time longer the two of them will be able to talk. Keep reminding your BIL to try not to call from places with a noisy background and if he can't remember, extend him some grace. Let these two brothers still have relationship while they can if your husband still wants to talk to his brother.
You said it's the only relative who calls. Cutting his brother off will further shrink your husband's world. It might not be helpful to you in the long run either. It's a blessing if your husband still knows who his brother is. With advancing dementia the day will come where he doesn't recognize him any more.
If your husband is too bothered by the noisy background, can he also tell his brother to call from somewhere quieter? You could remind him to say that if he can't hear during the call.
Really, some people u need to get blunt with.
That way BIL can get himself to a quiet room or area and make the call.
Explain to BIL that your husband likes the calls and he looks forward to them but he is easily confused and distracted by extra noise in the background.
If BIL continues to call at times when it is not convenient or continues to call when he is not in a quiet area then he just does not get it and at that point I would let his calls go to voicemail. I probably would not want to go to the extent of blocking his number since it is a family member and there may be a time when he does need to get in touch with you.
Or the other way around she might want to get in touch with his family about something too.
Blocking numbers is something I reserve for telemarketers. Not family or friends. There's better ways to handle things. Blocking numbers doesn't allow anyone to change or reconcile. In todays day and age, people are so quick to cut people out of their lives for the slightest infraction. Lover's of self, devoid of compassion and all the rest that describes how people act these days. As a pastor I shouldn't be surprised and I'm not. I'm dismayed to see it play out.
These suggestions might sound extreme, but if BIL ever takes this too far and excuses you of alienation, you have at least succeeded in documenting and showing proof your numerous attempts to communicate what is conducive vs. not.
Last resort, get an attorney to send him a demand letter, but see if you can rectify this yourself (it will save you lots of money). And if you ever did need to higher an attorney to address BIL's behavior, then at least you can show attorney you remained proactive.