My 88 y/o mother has lived with us for 11 years. She is constantly bringing up how much she has helped us out. She has helped us finish the basement, but without that happening we would not have been able to move her in. She gives us money monthly which only takes care of the essentials. My issue is my brother hardly has anything to do with my mother but she is so worried about him not getting his inheritance. I'm a good person and I feel my husband and take very good care of her. It's alot of work and and our lives have definitely changed in that time. She is not hurting for money and I am just tired of hearing about my brother. He is a good person but I resent how she feels about him and the whole money thing. In here eyes he can do no wrong. I've gotten to the point that when she starts talking money I make up an excuse and walk out of the room. How do I get past this?
DEAR 80 AND HOLDING: Thank you for sending it to me. I agree, the rules are worth repeating. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my husband's mother came to live with my husband and me 23 years ago, she made our lives so miserable I vowed I would never bring such misery to my children if I ever had to live with them. One day, I wrote myself a letter containing some rules. I put it in an envelope marked, "To be opened on the day I go to live with one of my children" -- then I put it away.
I've been widowed and self-sufficient for eight years, but I was recently forced to give up my job and move in with my daughter. I'm submitting that letter. Perhaps your older readers might benefit from it, as I intend to. Here are the rules:
-- Give what you can toward your keep. Any budget will stretch just so far.
-- Keep yourself clean and neat. Fresh undies and daily baths are a must.
-- Remember, it is their home. Give them privacy at every opportunity.
-- Try to make your own friends and develop interests outside the home.
-- If you suspect they would like to go away on a vacation but are hesitant because of you, offer to visit another relative or friend so they will be free to go.
-- Don't offer any advice or express any opinion on family matters unless asked.
-- Volunteer information that they might be too embarrassed to ask for, such as arrangements for your burial, hospitalization, etc.
These rules were written more than 22 years ago. I read them often and am determined to keep them. -- 76 AND HOLDING
You should not have taken care of your ingrate mother for ten years.
My mother cops this kind of attitude too, but she knows better than to go too far with me.
She knows that I would not think twice about putting her in a nursing home.
The adult children of these elders need to make them understand that we will walk away or that any one of them will get sent to a nursing home in a New York minute if they get too abusive and manipulative.
I had five siblings. Every one of us has this mentality. I got roped into caregiving a few years ago because my mother and I thought we had made an arrangement that was beneficial to us both.
It worked for a little while then the power trip, manipulation, and verbal abuse soon followed.
I'm out and I do nothing for her now. I'm going by her house this afternoon (Mother's Day). If she starts up with the instigating, snideness, and passive/aggressive BS my we'll get up and leave.
My mother told me out of the blue, after I just took her to lunch, I paid "I am not leaving you anything in my will, you have enough"! Well, well, I had paid for everything for her, actually loaned her $3,000 when she bought her house 50 years ago. It was a loan, guess what? She never paid me back.
I was her servant, her go to, while my brother visited one or two times a year.
That along with she bought a new convertible. I was with her and she said to the salesman "I am buying this to leave to my son" so the salesman says "Are you buying one for your daughter too"? The answer was "No, she has one". Nasty tone.
Yes, I did, old used Chrysler.
I will never forget the look on the salesman's face, it said it all.
That did it, I was done. Not about the money, it was that she told me "You are nothing, you don't matter to me"!
Goodbye Mother. Best years of my adult life not having to deal with her toxic attitude towards me....and most women.
Whattdya know? GB lost his shine.. trash talked to daughter.
Then what? Yup. Mom moves herself to daughter's town. She decided daughter would be her new Bestie &/or Servant Gal. The ex GB became The Bad One.
Drama triange stuff: The 3 positions are the Good One/Fixer, the Bad One/Persecuter, the Victim.
If Mom moves out, the daughter may become the Golden/Good one.
The positions in the triangle can keep being pushed around by strong personalities.
The way to stop this nonsense is to REFUSE to take one of those corner positions.
Lady, stand your ground. No need for lengthy arguements, just "No Mother, I disagree with you".
I'm curious as to how the current living arrangement came about. Did she move in with your from her own home? Why did she move in with you? Was brother not available.......... or did you ask for her to move in with you?
So if she is not going to change and you are having a hard time reconciling yourself to her favoritism.... the only thing you can change is the situation. Would she like to live with brother for a bit? Would brother pass out at the mere thought (frequently golden children... adore being worshiped from afar but cringe at the thought of daily hands on care giving)? Since she is not lacking for funds, is it time to consider moving her to a facility? She will probably dig her heels in over this; no idea what brother will say which is why he ought to try being with her on a daily basis. Not sure how much funds she has for private pay or what type of facility would meet her needs. She may be beyond the scope of Al but not yet ready for the standard MC. Nevertheless, knowledge is power so you may want to quietly start looking to see what is available in your or brother's area.
I would get her a full work up by a geriatric physician. That review will tell you if she is depressed and might be helped with meds. If she has a cognitive issue, he may refer her to a geri psychiatrist who can give you a better idea of the level of cognitive dysfunction that may exist.
If they are not yet in place, get all the VID (very important documents) (PoA, Health Care Proxy and Will updated and in place.
Wishing you good luck in this journey.
A: Draw up a balance sheet of payments and benefits for M and you for the last 11 years.
A few hints:
1) Payments to make the basement livable are on one side; value to you so far on the other side. Perhaps nil if M occupies it, perhaps negative if you have to clean it for her.
2) Increase in value of house on sale on one side because of livable basement; cost to renovate basement for sale after 11 years occupancy on the other side.
3) One third of actual costs for rates, power, water, repairs on one side; mother’s monthly payments on the other side.
4) Same thing for food.
5) Hours of your care at average commercial rate over 11 years on one side; mother’s actual help to you (if any) on the other side, also at average commercial rate.
Hand it to mother to look at. Then discuss it with her.
B: Talk to your brother. He is ‘a good person’, and he may have no idea how M is carrying on. He may have no concerns about ‘his inheritance’ and how hard it is for you to get it rubbed in regularly. Give him your ‘balance sheet’ as well. See if he can sort out your mother’s ideas.
C: Offer your mother the option of going to a facility, with the cost coming off her estate and affecting you and your brother equally.
Just doing A may get a few things off your chest. Brother may be very helpful – if he is reasonable, he should be. So B may help a lot. No need to get to C unless you lose your temper!
It is not too late.
Do it now. It may be all you ever see of any money in some future fairy tale time. Mom should be sharing food, utilities, and all other costs. You will need to insure this is legally done so that if she ever goes into care and her money is used up, requiring medicaid to take over, you need to be in the clear as far as her being accused of gifting. A contract helps with all of that.
I am totally uninterested in your brother one way or another. He is who he is and he always was. Your Mom loves him; he's her son. You and she live together and are likely on one another's LAST nerve all day. Let go of things you cannot change. they are frustrating and a waste of time that adds to your burden. When she speaks of him just say "Yup. He's a PRINCE. And YOU are the Queen" and get on with the day. Hide a wicked grin!
Send mom to live with the Golden Child, lock stock and barrel.
11 years of this guilt trip she's got you on is enough, don't you think?
Autonomy is always a good thing for elders w plenty of financial freedom too. Check out some high end Assisted Living residences and offer her a choice of which one she'd like to live in.
I love ya ma and I've done all I can for you at this juncture, but now it's time to live apart.
Being a good person also includes being good to YOURSELF and refusing to sacrifice any more of your life and headspace to a mother who can't even appreciate what you're doing for her! You can visit her at YOUR convenience in the AL and in the meantime, there will be plenty of peers her own age she can kvetch to.
Its a win-win in my world, where both my folks lived in AL and ALL of us thrived as a result