Hi there. My 82 yo mother lives with me. It was okay for some years, but she's gotten more difficult. We have an aide who comes in twice a week to help with bathing, and she's been in and out of PT because once the PT is over she stops doing any of the exercises, gets weaker, then something happens that starts the whole thing over again. She's even been sleeping on the first floor so she can get around and do things without needing to go up and down stairs. She would rather be left alone to sleep all day and really resents the PT visits. She'll ignore the aid, then complain about how she needs a shower or wants to wash her hair. There are physical limits to my assistance for reasons that aren't relevant here, but there's a reason we have an aide come in twice a week. Mind you, Mom CAN do some things that she likes to pretend she can't. More on that later.
She's getting more difficult about other stuff too. It's been coming on gradually for a while, just odd and illogical flights of fancy at first (like wanting me to put in a shower in the coat closet), but seems to be escalating and getting nastier. The societal norms that we live by in order to get along are a lot thinner. When I call her on something, she will be better about it for a while so she is capable of controlling herself. Then something else will set her off. Several months back she was really mean to me and I ended up calling a family member in tears, who then drove down to give mom a stern talking to.
Just recently there was an incident that I really don't think I can get past. I had woken up with a migraine, took meds and called work to say I would be late logging in (I work from home). So I come downstairs eventually and see that she got herself coffee, but I wasn't really feeling chatty yet (still kind of foggy in that way that a migraine can leave you feeling). When she started in asking a lot of questions, I asked if it could wait until after I got my coffee. Well, then she was in a mood so I left her alone and got my act together to start work.
That evening was actually rather peaceful, although I realize that she thought she was giving me the silent treatment. I got us something to eat, just grilled cheese because we'd had either beans or lentils the previous few nights and it was probably one night too many. To be clear, there was no diarrhea, but everything was moving along a bit more freely than usual. She complained about what we had eaten two days before, saying it had given her diarrhea (actually she ate very little because she's so picky these days) and I said probably what we'd had the night before (something she really really likes) might be the culprit. She got in a snit about that because she really wanted to blame the dish she didn't care for, even if it was two days before.
She's in the habit of claiming diarrhea with every bowel movement, just as she claims a sinus infection every time she sneezes. Also, she managed to convince herself once that her eyeball was in danger of falling out. No, she had dry eyes and a floater, but the eye was healthy. I've gotten pretty good at knowing when she's crying wolf and when it's a real issue, but it gets old. She has enough very real issues, but it's never enough.
This is really really hard to put into words, which is why I've spent so many words leading up to it. I went to bed that night and left my day shoes near the door, as I usually do. When I got up the next morning, there was, this is hard, there was literal shit in one of my slippers. She had come upstairs, which she claims is so hard for her, just to put shit in my slipper.
I'm done. At this point if it's clean and there's someone else to make sure she's fed, that will be good enough. My sibling is on board.
I have a million other things to say, but I've used up all the characters with my rant. Sorry, and thank you for listening.
Get her cognitively evaluated with a MoCA or SLUMS test. Do not settle for the doctor asking her who the POTUS is and to count backwards from 10. A chimp can do that, no problem. Answering those questions correctly does NOT mean an elder is dementia free.
Then you'll know what sort of managed care mom needs, regular Assisted Living or Memory Care Assisted Living.
Its definitely time to send mom off to managed care, though. My folks lived in Independent Senior Living for 3 yrs, then Assisted Living for 4 yrs, then mom segued into their Memory Care building for the last nearly 3 years of her life. They got very good care and I wasn't driven crazy (or crazier) by my mother who was always quite difficult.
Best of luck to you
I know this because it's the reason I never considered having my mom live with me. My childhood was a litany of "get over it", "you're too sensitive", "stop making mountains out of molehills" and the like.
The first time my mom started wailing, still in her own home, mind you, about some minescule problem, I wanted to hit her.
Yes, it's time for placement.
She said she dumped more than one guy b/c of her cat's discerning sense of personal 'wah'. Their energy or whatever. The cat can't speak, but a slipper load of poop would get anyone's attention.
Oh, you better believe it's time for mom to find other accommodations. You have the backing of family--I'd say start calling places tomorrow. She crossed a line that shouldn't have been crossed--and while I'm sure you'll forgive her, this is one big reason for you to not comingle your life with mom's.
This situation is more than just going up and down the stairs though.
Go ahead and look into different options, as Alva says, perhaps a board and care home may be the answer or you can research assisted living facilities or skilled nursing facilities.
Best wishes to you and your family.
My uncle could no longer go up and down the stairs in his house. He was trying to do sponge baths at the sink in his basement. He got a bad UTI, sepsis and nearly died.
Your mom isn’t safe remaining in your home any longer. She needs to be in a place where she has around the clock care. It’s better for her and better for you.
Go back to being mom’s daughter instead of her caregiver. You have done as much as you can for her at home. Now you can be an advocate for her in a facility.