I think my Mother has lied to hospital about me and abuse, can anyone help?
Hello,
First let me give a little context. I am an only child. I was treated badly growing up, verbally and emotionally abused and basically raised myself- Mother’s an alcoholic ( dry now)- mean lady- from Maryland & the perfect narcissist- no dad I moved out at 17. I’m a nurse. I work full time + Throughout the years, my mother and I got along ONLY IF we saw each other for short periods of time. In 2015 she had a bad accident and I was there to assist her. I was looking at homes for sale 2 -3 years ago and she said “ why don’t you buy mine”? It was almost paid off and I took OVER what was owed + the equity owed , combined it all. End of October 2020 changed everything. She had a stroke. After a few months of therapy she was well enough to come home BUT not be alone. I work full time so this is what I did : I changed my life: since she can’t go upstairs I bought an electric hospital bed and created a bedroom downstairs- I organized all meds- I hired nurses to come in a draw blood, I had home PT and OT for 3 months- I downloaded several cognitive games for her to keep her mind sharp,etc- I hired aides for 12 hours a week ( while I work ) at 29.00 an HOUR ( 920.00 every 2 weeks) - I TOOK ON ALL BILLS - even hers since the stroke . I pay for all food too- what she pays is the aide and her supplement health insurance- THAT'S IT - now mind you, THATS S LOT! But I PAY EVERY BILL . I make her meals, I bathe her, I assist dressing her, I pay for all pads and diapers ( as she is now incontinent ) I give her all medications, I keep tract of her anticoagulant issues/testing, I dress her, buy all her clothes- do all laundry- clean the house,etc. Basically , she orders around from her wheelchair- even when her aides tell me she is walking with a walker ! I feel I care for her well- treating her with dignity when she poops on the floor by accident claiming it was the cat. ( even with poop smeared all over the bed). I have 2 different agencies in here to assist with care 4 days a week. They all know she is difficult.
Now what brings me to writing this.
2-3 weeks ago my Mother fell and hit the back of her head- I called 911- ER took a cat scan , no bleeding- they sent her home- about a week later she is complaining of L hip
pain- crying day after day but is refusing to go to ER- we have had fight after fight about going ( oh! Did I mention she has Dementia AND CHF? ) yes, she does- she forgets she eats, the time of day,etc. ( for example I’ve gotten several call at 4 am asking if I’m going to be home from work soon) - 2 days ago I have been hearing her wheeze- her lungs sound awful and her Oxygen level drops to the low 80’s in less than one minute - she wear O2 100% of the time . I have BEGGED her to have her leg and chest assessed and was met with refusal each time. Yesterday I was done- I said YOU ARE GOING and I called an ambulance. She said “ YOU JUST WAIT” “ YOU'LL GET YOURS” that was it- until the EMT’s were here- “ she doesn’t feed me” she said sadly,crying- “ she won’t give me my medicine”- “she won’t give me my clothes” all to which I said- “Mom, just stop it. I know you’re angry”
My mother left for the hospital- I have called ALL NIGHT with no answers- FINALLY at 0800 the employee says “ you need to call after 1200 to speak to her nurse or MD” I was SO worried !
at 1200 I called back : “ IM SORRY, I CANNOT GIVE YOU ANY INFORMATION on M*** B*** “ click. I call back “ HELLO??? What does that even mean”?? Is she ok? What’s going on???” Click
I call back “ look, I don’t know what’s been said or what’s going on but who can I talk too”? I COULDN'T BELIEVE THIS IS WHAT THEY SAID NEXT” IM SORRY, THERE IS NO M*** B*** HERE AT THIS HOSPITAL “ click.
I am so hurt. I don’t know what SHE SAID, what the EMT said… nothing!
I DONT KNOW WHO TO CALL NEXT
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT
I CANT EVEN FIND A PERSON TO TALK TO ME AT HOSPITAL.
HAS ANYONE BEEN THROUGH THIS? SIMILAR? FALSELY ACCUSED?
Can anyone
29 Answers
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"Good morning, this is Worn Out. My mother, Mrs Out has dementia and was taken by ambulance yesterday to St. Vitus hospital due to a possible hip fracture and low oxygen. She was agitated and angry because she didn't want me to call the EMTs; she made some pretty egregious and untrue accusations in front of the crew. I'm an RN and I know they take this stuff seriously. I've called the hospital several times but they are refusing to let me know my mom's condition. I'm her POA and I'm very worried.
Can you help us?"
Get some sleep. ((((Hugs))))
You’ve worked your butt off trying to be the best daughter in the world so that she will FINALLY love and respect you, but did it work? Or are you just her doormat?
Where she is - wherever she is - she’s being cared for, so you don’t need to worry. Time to look after yourself for a bit, and maybe, when they ask you if you want her back, consider saying no.
I don’t know why we as grown children feel so honorbound to put up with all our abusive parent’s crap when we don’t have to. You don’t have to. YOU are important, too!
If the hospital tries to release her to you tell them its an unsafe discharge. That you can no longer care for her. That if need be, the State can take over her care.
Stand strong. Your Mom has gone over the line and if u take her back she will think she has won and your life will be so much worse. This is ur chance to get out from under her thumb.
Has anyone been through this, i.e. a situation where a lady in her eighties with multiple comorbidities, in pain, angry and frightened and now in hospital makes false accusations against her primary caregiver? - for sure, anyone working in older adults' medicine will have come across it time after time. So relax. As a mandated reporter yourself, you know that accusations have to be taken at face value *at first*. Then they are investigated, and then a true account is reached.
You are hurt, and you also must be frightened not only because of what your mother might have said but also because she's injured and you can't find out what's going on. Unfortunately there is nothing to be done about that until you can get hold of the right people, which won't be until office hours at the earliest.
So, somehow, try to get some sleep.
My daughter always gets results when she wears her scrubs. Professional courtesy.
As a Nurse you know the chain of command. Try the DON, then up the ladder. She/he has a boss.
Your next steps (after some sleep, possibly plus a doctor’s visit to get some emergency sleeping pills) should probably be:
a) To put it in writing to the hospital that you cannot and will not take her back as it would be an unsafe discharge for both of you.
b) To check with a lawyer to be sure that the house that you ‘took over’ is now in your name, not still in your mother’s name, or to sort that out if it hasn't happened.
c) To stop worrying about the long term for your mother. If you do not take her back, the SW at the hospital will have to place her. Eventually you will be able to go and see her, and make whatever peace you can. In the very unlikely event that she has walked out and died somewhere of exposure, she will have made her own decision to go to whatever future life she believes in.
d) To contact any other relatives or friends to ask if they have any news of her, and to put your problem to them. They might be allowed to visit her and give you some information, but the main reason to call is to avoid getting blamed yourself, based on the lies.
Best wishes!
it is terribly hurtful to be accused when you have worked so hard. Give yourself great credit for your past forgiveness and efforts.
After this experience resolves —and it will— keep a fair distance from her crosshairs for your self-preservation.
Sometimes we focus to correct those most difficult relationships in our lives in an attempt to find inner peace. Go through the maze backwards now - if spending time with your mother gives you inner peace, proceed cautiously. If however, you just feel angst, accept that you have already done your best, and done much more than many would attempt.
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