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My mother abused me most of my life and my father just let her. I adored my dad until she got dementia and his actions made me realise that he had facilitated her abuse so that she wouldn't turn on him, but also because he could never really believe that she was the evil person she was. He bought into her narrative that I was the bad one who was horrible to her mother. My heart was so broken by him, and my mother worked really hard after her diagnosis to badmouth me and break up the last of our relationship. Dad died suddenly in 2021 and I never got to really resolve our issues, although maybe I never would have because he thought the sun shone out of her a**.
When he died it became clear very quickly that my mother couldn't look after herself so I had to stay and look after her which I did until the beginning of June when she had to go into hospital and then to a care home.
I hated every second of looking after her, she was so awful to me, suspicious of me, paranoid, abusive, and just generally difficult. My poor husband and I had to live with her as she needed full time care. He helped every way he could and was often a buffer between us.
I thought that her going to the nursing home would fix things and let me get on with my life but I just feel worse. I feel so tired and anxious, so depressed and sad. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am a musician and I've been unable to make music for months now because I can't concentrate. I'm trying to sort out finances for the nursing home but we are absolutely broke even with the Fair Deal. Please someone tell me this will get better, I just want my life back

Dear Burnedoutkitty, I thought I was the only one that had to take such abuse growing up albeit mine was mostly verbal abuse that turned me into a doormat with two verbally abusive husbands. My father was the same way as yours, but on his deathbed he did ask for my forgiveness for enabling my mother and my grandfather that raised me to be so cruel, in turn so was he. You're writing that you feel guilty about putting her in an environment where she gets the care she needs and you have some time to yourself. I still feel guilty about how much I despise this woman who gave birth to me. Sometimes I think, she could have aborted me and am grateful she didn't. Still, having to deal with her every day is no life. I have PTSD because of the three of them. Three years ago I finally found the perfect therapist for me. I still have guilt but talking to "him" has relegated a lot of negative feelings to dissipate to the point that that continuous loop in my head is slowing down and even hides for several days at a time. What I have been taught to deal with these feelings and thoughts: I write in a journal EXACTLY how I'm feeling at that time; draw a picture of the situation (have never gotten out of the stick figure phase). Then look at it as if it were behind glass. It's only a picture now. It can no longer hurt me. Using this method when that continuous loop raises its ugly viper head, you don't have to dwell on it. I just go back and read what I wrote and have even colored the pictures. I was also taught coping skills including breathing exercises to lower my anxiety, stress level and depression as we can get under the circumstances. I really recommend finding a PTSD Behavioral Health therapist. We have suffered tremendous trauma and until you are ready to begin to repair yourself of being fraught with anxiety, depression and possibly thoughts of suicide you'll have these feelings and thoughts that will outshine what you are capable of in becoming mentally better. I don't know if any trauma will ever go away, but being able to mentally "stomp" on them has made life better for me. I still have flashbacks from my childhood and from my husbands. When I'm criticized (to me) as I have been on here I had to back away from this site until I was able to cope with the words written. What you're feeling is normal for "damaged" people like us. I'm glad you are able to write in and ask for suggestions. You are stronger than you think you are...feel guilty, but enjoy your new found freedom. One last thing, if you would like to know some of the techniques I learned and am still learning, drop me a private message; I care.
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I’m not sure if you have the finances or time to organise this, but my suggestion would be to go away for a holiday, preferably on a small group tour. Seeing different things every day, talking to new people with different lives, is the quickest way to getting over desolation. It stops you reliving the past. This worked for me, after my mother’s death.
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Burnedoutkitty Aug 17, 2024
I don't have the finances right now but I have put the wheels in motion to go somewhere in the spring. I definitely think I need a break away where I'm not stressed about having to come home to her. Thank you
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Burnedoutkitty, give yourself time to decompress. I put my difficult mother in care 3 years ago and my creative spirit has finally come out of hiding. I hope yours returns more quickly. (I was also raising 3 teens at the time) I’ve found it helpful to read about family dysfunction, and now have a better understanding about how I was groomed to fulfill my mother’s needs at my own expense. The hardest part (for me) is accepting that I’ll never get answers. But I feel well on the way to getting my life back and you will too.
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Burnedoutkitty Aug 17, 2024
I had actually been in therapy for years before all this happened, I knew how dysfunctional she was but I completely ignored my dad's equal part in it! It's a lot to unpack I suppose but I just feel like she's already taken so much of my life and I just want to move forward. Sorry you had to go through that too and glad you got your mojo back. I know I will too but I suppose I'm feeling very adrift at the minute, it's not been long since she left
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Burndout, many many of us here have had issues like yours, caregiving for a parent from a dysfunctional family! Can cause PTSD, depression and extreme anxiety.

I promise it can and will get better, but you have to want it. Ive been where you are so I know what I'm saying.

For me for starters was learning I wasn't alone, secondly was reading this forum anything that related to my situation, actually answering questions, was and still is good for me. It reminds me where I was and how far I've come, and the fact that I don't ever want to go back there again. You may or may not want to get on antidepressants, that's up to you, and therapy. I'm not sure exactly what country you are in and your medical services there.

I'm thinking you may have some missed place guilt, if you do stop! It's not guilt it's greif. You are grieving. We grieve every loss are parents loose. The loss of freedom, the loss of brain health, the loss of walking. The list is endless.

I also want to say can I borrow your line on the sun shining? That really made me giggle.

I feel like I have more to say but my mind is drawing a blank. So for now I'll leave it at that.
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Burnedoutkitty Aug 17, 2024
Thank you for your kind words :) yes I do feel guilty, it was ingrained into me growing up that I look after my mother at home when she got old. I was always very resistant to the idea because I absolutely hate her and there's a part of me that is really angry that I got sucked into doing it anyway. Both of them lied to me about how bad she was so when sad died I was completely unprepared for it all. I just want to move on basically
I find it hard to talk to friends about this as they literally can't understand the struggle of being responsible for someone you absolutely despise, and who even though they have dementia continue to be abusive towards you. People just can't relate and then I feel like the monster, particularly when they assume I'm grieving for my lovely mother. I'm grieving for losing 3 years of my life and now being broke in my 40s because of it. Anyway I know it will get better but at the minute I just feel very dead inside
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Nobody can guide you about the finances, which you knew about before placing mom in the nursing home. It's too bad it falls on you to pay for her care, but I guess it's better than the gruesome task of you and hubby continuing to do so at home. What if you were to stop paying her bill? What would happen to mom?

It sounds like you're suffering from some post traumatic stress and anxiety now, after mom left your home. Sometimes we hold up in a stoic manner DURING stressful times, then fall apart AFTERWARDS. That would be PTSD. I went thru that in 2000 after finding my birth family which was very traumatic. My doctor put me on Paxil and it helped me stop crying and feeling so anxious and not sleeping. It allowed me to focus and think clearly again, and get myself together. Why not speak to your doctor about your symptoms and situation and get his or her advice?

Best of luck.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Go get a Massage , Massages and acupuncture to get back into your Body and release the Past .
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I don’t think OP is in the US . I googled the Fair Deal for nursing homes . Looks like OP may be in Ireland .
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lealonnie1 Aug 13, 2024
My thoughts exactly.
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You SHOULD NOT be paying one penny towards your mothers care. If she doesn't have money she MUST go on Medicaid.
It sounds like you're grieving the mother and father that you've never had, so you may want to talk to your doctor about going on a antidepressant at least for a while until you deal with the tangled web your parents have weaved around you and messed you up.
I think the only way it will get better is when you step as far away from your mother as possible and let the state take over control of her.
Often time those of us that have been abused by our parents have to distance ourselves from them for our own mental health's sake, so we can heal and be whole again.
You owe your mother NOTHING! As in NOTHING! Please don't forget that.
But you do owe yourself and your husband your best self, so please do whatever you need to to make sure that happens.
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A nursing home can not “ fix things “ .
The problem is your mother is a narcissist with dementia . Which is like throwing gasoline on a fire . I know it , because my Mom was the same .
You can’t fix Mom, she’s old and ill . You also didn’t make her this way .

Are you speaking with a therapist to sort out this baggage your parents created ? Perhaps a visit to your doctor as well , they may advise an antidepressant that also is used for anxiety for awhile until you can make some progress. You seem stuck right now.

You have hit rock bottom . Get help and it will get better .

You are not required to visit your mom . In fact if you do visit her limit them once a week 20 minutes . If she is spewing venom at you at all you leave , cut the visit short . Come up with an excuse why you have to leave , or tell her you will come back when she can have a nice conversation .

It takes time to get your life back . You will be relieved when your abusive mom is gone.

I’m sorry about the finances . I’m in the US . I don’t know how the Fair Deal works in your country . I googled it , it looks like you may be in Ireland ?
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It sounds like you would benefit from some counseling to help you work through the trauma and abuse you’ve experienced and help you get to a place of expecting good things in life. I’m sorry your parent’s emotionally beat you down so much, it’s left you stuck in a negative place instead of able to enjoy life. Your mother’s finances should be paying for her care, and Medicaid when she has none left. That’s exactly what my family had to do with my mother’s expensive nursing home care. There’s no reason you should go broke over this
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