I want my life back. Any advice?

"Right now she wants to stay where she is and things are working".

*Stay home for as long as possible*. A good plan that many many people go by.

Keep in the loop with the Aide directly (if private) or Supervisor (if an agency).

Don't get caught up with daily updates for routine things (or your life will be swallowed up) but for bigger incidents EG notified if unwell, falls, new problems, refusing medications or hygiene (on a regular basis).
Then alert Mom's Doctor.

There is not always a definitive moment *When things no longer work*.

That can be filed under 'future problems' for now if you like. While you restore some balance to your life & add back your own life stuff, fun & self-care.

Move.

You need to create a healthy Boundary and get a therapist . Sounds Like the Umbilical cord was never cut between you and your Mom . She is 63 and young . If you have to see a Low income elder attorney and get advice for when it comes time to Place her But Please do not give up your Life you are too young .

About someone to help with her finances - Of course, it must be someone you trust. There are usually people around who can do this. What you need depends on how complicated her finances are. I used to know some retired women who had worked at a bank, and they did manage the checkbooks of a few older people who were customers they'd known while they worked at their bank. If you are only managing a checkbook, I'd suggest that you get everything into one checking account. Her expenses go on a credit card - all expenses possible. The credit card balance gets paid monthly from the checking account on autopay. This is very little management for you once you get it set up. And don't even think about moving her closer. That's a recipe for mental breakdown - yours. Caregiving is a gift, and she doesn't seem like a worthy recipient.

Cheddar, if you have POA you most likely do not need to get Guardianship.
Guardianship would be in a case where you are not "authorized" to make medical or financial decisions.
the "problem" you might have is that at her age she can live another 20 years or more. That is a very long time to care for someone and you do not want to put your life on hold for that length of time.

I am so very sorry your mom at such a young age has been diagnosed with dementia.
YOU can not take the responsibility of caring for her.
You can manage her from a distance if that is what you want to do.
With caregivers in the house she will be alright for a while BUT there will come a time when it might not be practical to allow her to remain in her home. Be prepared to place her in Memory Care. the where is up to you. Do you want her closer to you so that it is easier to visit and deal with problems and emergencies? Or do you want her to remain where she is currently living and find a place near there?
Do you have POA for Health and Finances now? If not it might not be possible at this point. You might have to file for Guardianship. You might need to talk to an Elder Care Attorney to figure out the best course of action.

I think the advice so far was based on a healthy 63 yo parent.

The update with recent vascular dementia dx is a game-changer BUT while this means your Mom has needs - this does not equate to you having to be the one person to meet them.

Let professionals in her care team know she needs help - then step back.

The crux is this: If she is living alone, but is increasingly dependent, she will need a village of helpers + a local chief to run the village.

Cheddar,

You have to give yourself permission to live your life and not remain tied to an increasingly dependent mother. You are not being selfish, uncaring, or self-centered, you have your own life to live and the time to start is now.

It's time to draw some very firm boundaries with your 63 year old mother; these daily demands won't improve with time, they'll increase. Most people her age are still working! If your therapist is not working with you on boundary issues, find a better one. Your mother sounds like a narcissist (NPD) and at her age, after her affairs and the BFs that caused her to place your needs behind those of whatever relationship she had going on, she should be trying to make things better for you, not demanding more. She is ill of mind.

Please start researching the various personality disorders and see which one fits her the best, this is your starting point for emotional distancing; long overdue, by the looks of it. You owe her nothing other than the usual phone calls, occasional visits and holiday observances, and only if you're comfortable with that much involvement. You could choose to go No Contact with good reason. Your life is your own and you must claim it.

As another commenter said: Refer her to her local aged care agency; she can arrange for her own needs.

You moved away to live your own life and she's managed to manipulate you into doing for her daily. Stop. At 29, you have your whole life ahead of you and you must give yourself permission to wrestle your self-serving, not much of a mother off your back. Do not allow her to make you feel guilty. She'll fight to regain control of you and that's where a good therapist can be of help in establishing unmovable boundaries. She's not only eating up your time with her daily demands, she's also sucking up your energy; that's intentional User behaviors and it's no wonder you're fed up.

I'm 65, a retired RN and overseeing my 87 year old Mom's care in a Memory Care unit. I'm it for her and I tell you, even with her dementia, she feels guilty over the neediness she has. I love her and our connection is deep and loving; she was always a good Mom. We lost Dad 2 yrs ago and it flipped the script because he'd been taking care of her increasing dependence. My family had planned on selling my home of over 2 decades and moving to their state to help them. With Dad gone, Mom can't live alone and I've had to sell both of their homes: primary and vacation and I'm DPOA and all of that. Lawdy, at 63, my Mom was still traveling the country and maintaining two homes!

My home situation is one of increasing commonness in these times of rising costs and decreasing home ownership. My 31 yr old daughter and 2 young grandkids live with me in my 5 bedroom home. It works for all of us; by pooling our resources, she's able to have this security, as do the kids - for whom I do all the childminding - and although she's so done with rural living, we plan to continue this arrangement, nearer to a city. Once Grandma is no longer with us, we plan to move to another state and buy another property. I'll make the down payment, place the land and home title in joint ownership, and build my small, permaculture dream home on the property and her and the kids will have their own home. This is a workable plan for us.

I will not place her in the position of my depending on her for my care. I've told her to take action if I become needy and incapable because I do not want to be anyone's burden. I plan to make my own arrangements long before my capacities leave me and I cannot understand why your mother, at 63 is placing this burden on you. It's unthinkable and indicates an uncaring NPD. OK, she may have some disability, but she is capable of managing to get a case worker in place to lean on, not you. If she's using inheritance, call her bluff.

Please get things in motion to extricate yourself from this awful, burnout relationship and fight for the freedom you have long deserved.

If she lives a different state than you, then why is your "to-do list" for her never ending? And what in the world do you have to do for her every day from another state that has you so overwhelmed with no energy left? Something isn't adding up here.
You are not responsible for your mother or her care, and if your therapist isn't letting you know that, then it's time to find a new one who will speak the truth to you.
You can get your life back anytime you want, but you have to want it bad enough to step away, and let the state look after your mom if in fact she really is needing any help at all.
And you certainly don't need to be paying her bills for her. If she doesn't have the money she will have to apply for Medicaid.
Quit playing the victim, and get the help you need for yourself. Your mom will be just fine without you.

Cheddar, find out what would happen if your mother was childless. It happens to a lot of people. Just because you are her child, and the only child, doesn’t mean that she would be left to die on her own if you weren’t there. Virtually everyone’s relationship with their mother or their father is ‘very complicated’. I’m in there myself! It doesn’t mean that you ‘have to care for’ them.

Please don’t sign yourself on for this level of involvement for the next 30 years!

Cheddar you don’t ‘have to care for her ’. At 63? You must be joking! Walk away! Forget the never-ending ‘jobs list’. Tell her to contact her own local aged care authorities. They can assess her (to double check what she actually needs, not wants) and to point her in the direction of getting what she does need.

She will still be your mother, and you can show her any affection you have for her as a daughter (like sending birthday cards). But you shouldn’t even consider yourself as her slave or as being responsible for her well-being. It sounds as though you have a better call on ‘anxiety and depression’ than she does. If your therapist isn’t saying this to you, find another therapist!