My mom is in the moderate stages of ALZ. Sometimes she says things that make me wonder, "Has she always felt this way? Has she always thought this about me (or whoever)?" I suspect that with her disease that she just is not so capable of hiding her true feelings as she used to. For instance, she recently started acting as though she thought that I believe I am better than her. She very sarcastically stated, "Oh! I forgot!! You are one of the WILSONS from TIGNALL (my town)!!! Yeah, living in your NICE house, driving your FANCY car!!" Folks, I have an average house and drive a Nissan SUV. Nothing special at all!!! It came across to me that she resented me for something! And I truly feel that she may not have just started feeling this way since ALZ set in. So that led me to wonder whether ALZ may cause someone to lose their ability to keep such feelings and/or thoughts to themselves like they may have been doing in the past. I know they can become less filtered in things they say. And I know they can be hateful, even mean, at times. But I think at least SOME of what is said is from not being able to hold their feelings in. Does anyone else experience this?
Think about it. When you fight with hubby or kids you use NOT what you really BELIEVE. You use what you KNOW will HURT them most.
I once heard the kindest woman I worked with, who loved her sons more than anything and thought each one was perfect, say to the son who hated how much taller his younger brother was, in a moment of exteme frustration "Listen HERE, Shortstop............!" She says she never got over the look on his face, and it wasn't even something she even thought or believed, but she knew it would hurt him. (He's the tallest in the family now!)
If you are pulling out the nasty guns, that's how it works. So it isn't that SHE thinks you are a big muckity muck--it is rather that she thinks saying that to you will hurt you. And hurting you is what it is about at that second. Why? Because she is losing EVERYTHING, including her own power to have ANY control or ANY choice. And there is no upside in all this. This is a long slow slide into oblivion. And she is ANGRY about that. She won't always want to "go gently into this good night". So when she fights, she will bring out the big guns, the ones she believes will land a blow. It isn't that SHE believes it; but she believes it will hurt you. It is "war" pure and simple.
They get angry. They get depressed. They get desperate and they are desperate to be HEARD.
And, hon, I guess you HEARD THAT, right? Oh, my... oh my. A Wilson from Tignall. It doesn't get worse!
Try to see the humor in it, when you are able. I am so sorry. Wish I could give you a hug, because if I know anything, it's that you are NOT one of those "Wilsons from Tignall"!
Hee hee.
It really is hard, when something like this or what your mom said comes out, it's so hard not to think there is a kernel of truth at the very core of it. It just doesn't seem like it came from nothing, you know?
[[[hugs}}} Kelly, it has to be so much worse when it's your own mom :(
I think that people lash out when the are under stress in much the same way that a pet will bite it's owner when afraid or hurt. None of us live in a vacuum so we ALL have learned the words and actions that can wound others, we even think about them when we are angry or feeling under pressure - that just means we are human. When our brains are functioning our better self recognizes these impulses as being temporary, cruel and destructive and we don't act on them, with dementia all the filters erode and every nasty thought and action that comes into our head can come out.
A light bulb when on over my head because I finally realized how she was getting these ideas & it is what I call the Chinese menu memory - something from column A, something from column B, etc - my mom had taken bits of several memories & woven them together in a new but false one that she believed to the nth degree - once I told that I was a witness she seemed to realize what the real memory was & forgot about it all
She had a few times like that but when nobody could disprove them then she would start embellishing them as bigger & bigger - one was my uncle gave her a friendly tap on the knee so in April it was the mark was there for an hour by August it was black & blue for 2 weeks & she was about to miscarry [8 months] because of it
So when your mom says mean things it is not a real memory she is building on - your car is fancy for 1980's eyes, your home is great for someone who struggled when first married, you may have done something she wished she had done & at the time thought 'I wish I was able to have done that' with a small amount of envy but now it is jealousy of parts of your life she never did due to lack of education, money, courage etc.
You have no way of knowing if it is a real emotion of jealousy or a fabricated one so when dealing with a LO with dementia err on the side of 'false memory' especially if it is out of the blue - she could also be mixing you up with someone else [do you look like her sister/aunt?] that she had a strained relationship with so then she transfers that to you -
When you give a child a treat for being good is it a 'bribe' or a 'reward'? .... depends on the person's attitude who sees it but the kid still got a treat whatever you call it & so it is with dementia it can all be in the person's perception of a small thing can colour how they react