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My 86 year old mother and her partner still live in their own home, a log cabin she and he built 40 years ago way out in the woods down a very narrow, hilly and long gravel road 20 minutes outside of a small town in NC. It is a 30-40 minute drive away from all of her adult children. The home has become run down, is not accessible (an ambulance driver told them he and/or a fire truck could not get close to the house) and is, in my mind, very dangerous for elderly people.


Despite several years of conversation, she insists she will only leave the house when she dies. Because she is so far out, not driving is completely out of the question in her mind. We, her three adult children, have offered to each commit one day a week to driving her places, ie: the grocery store, doctor's appointments, etc. but she won't hear of it.


She did not pass her last driver's test until getting new glasses and has a license restricted to daylight driving only. She won't wear the glasses and drives to evening meetings whenever she remembers to go. She has vascular dementia from a series of small strokes and can't remember how to operate her computer, home phone or TV. Yesterday she told me her coffee maker is "broken." Maybe it is, along with the computer, cell phone, TV (no cable or satellite, just basic channels) and house phone, but each time we go out to "fix" one of these, which happens as often as weekly, we find that she (or he) has simply hit a button wrong.


My feeling is that if you can't operate a home phone or a TV, you shouldn't be driving. She has gotten lost a number of times and has driven around for hours until she found her way home, but that hasn't stopped her. Her partner doesn't drive at all anymore due to macular degeneration. So, if she can't drive and an ambulance can't get to her, they will be without emergency medical care when they need it until one of us can get to them. Another complication for us to factor in.


Her doctor has advised her to make some changes for safety, but he is reluctant to actually advise her to stop driving. Her stroke doctor assesses her speech and ability to touch her nose and says she's fine, "come back in six months." The local Council on Aging has offered assistance with home health and errands, but they have turned that down. "Maybe in ten years, we'll need help, but not now." So, without actually applying for and getting a full guardianship, our hands are tied.


I have become concerned that, if she does have a wreck and injures another person, we, her adult children, could be held liable and sued for our assets. I have her legal POA and my sister has her medical POA. Does anyone know how the state of NC assigns blame in a case like this?

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Resign your POA(s). That will end any question of liability.

If your mother has already got to the driving around lost for hours in - literally - her own neck of the woods stage, my guess is that before much longer she will really frighten herself. It may involve police rescue, for example. At that point, you hand her the Council on Aging's information again, without comment except to suggest it would be a good time to give them a call.

[Just a thought - could you install What Three Words on her cellphone? Then as long as she's got it with her she will always be traceable. Or so I understand from our local police, I haven't done this myself, I will as soon as I get round to it... :/]

Can the doctor explain his reluctance to advise your mother not to drive? If there were no services on offer and not driving would force her to abandon her way of life I could understand it, but there are services and there is willing family - she won't be dragged out of her log cabin.
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What about calling in APS for an evaluation? They could go out to your folks' house and see if they feel it's safe for them to be living alone. Which we all know it isn't. The dementia ALONE necessitates them living in an Assisted Living Facility with a Memory Care section. But you can't save a person from himself, hard as you try, right? My mother has moderate dementia and can't work ONE single gadget, insisting all the time that they're 'broken' which they aren't. Her bra's also have 'twisted hooks' and she's gone through 20+ in the past 2 years alone, I could go on and on. Dementia is an ugly ugly thing, it really is.

Like Alva said, I don't think you can be held responsible for any car accidents your mother has, when her own 'doctors' haven't told her she must stop driving, ludicrous as it all is. What you CAN do is 'lose' your mother's car keys next time you go up there. Put them in your purse and when she calls you, just tell her you have no idea what happened to her keys. But that you and your siblings are more than happy to come on Mondays Wednesdays & Fridays to take her out to run errands.

Is it feasible for you and your siblings to clear out a path at your folks' place to make it more accessible for emergency vehicles to get in? Hire somebody to MAKE it accessible, without their knowledge, of course, just do it and deal with the repercussions afterward. At least that way you'll KNOW they can get help from 911 should they need it. And buy them a couple of Life Alert bracelets too, while you're at it.

I feel for you and your siblings, having parents who are acting this way. Dementia wreaks SUCH havoc on the entire family, it's mind boggling what we're put through, it really is. Wishing you the best of luck.
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Your post starts
My mom, who has dementia, and you do mention vascular dementia.
Yet you do not tell us if you have a diagnosis of dementia, and do tell us that she has been assessed by doctor who has refused (not reluctant) to say she cannot drive.
If a doctor has not told her she cannot drive. You say that she can be licensed excepting for new glasses??
If those two facts are true then you cannot be held responsible for her driving (to let the moral responsibility for your Mom and yourselves out of the question if someone is injured. You have suggested it is not safe. A doc has OK'd it and your parents are living alone and caring for themselves.
Given that they ARE living alone and caring for themselves I doubt you would win guardianship.
The only thing I can even think of here is telling Mom that her license currently is not legal until the "glasses thing" is addressed, that you will take her to eye doc and then to motor vehicle test, and if you are able, suggest to THAT licensing authority that she take a driving test.
What a worry all this would be. Here with such a supportive family, and all this concern. I am wishing the best to you all. It took a SERIOUS (to himself) accident to make the necessary changes in my bro's life. Everyone was so thankful no one else was injured.
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