If you knew a friend had dementia, would you tell the long distance children who did not know?
This has been bothering me for over a year, and I want to get over it, but not sure how to address it or if I even should address it.
My mom has a close friend, I'll call her Shirley. In the ten years prior to my mom's move Shirley spent more time with my mom than anyone. They traveled, went out to eat, shop, shows.... just lots of socialization. They also lived in close proximity. Same complex and at my mom's lake cottage Shirley also had a lake cottage. (she sold it 2 years ago).
During those years I also got close to Shirley. She has been a guest in my home many times. One of the nicest people I ever met. And very smart. She worked as a special ed teacher and always had a kind way with people. Still sharp as a tack. My siblings and I used to actually joke that she was so much different than my mom, how did Shirley put up with my mom? But she did, and I still believe she loves my mom. That is the person my mom went to visit last November.
My issue: Shirley knew my mom had dementia BEFORE my mom made plans to move close to me. Even though there were MANY opportunities for Shirley to disclose this to me, she never did, until after my mom was moved. Then within 3-4 weeks Shirley tells me on the phone that for TWO YEARS she's had concern over my mom's "what looks to me like dementia". Shirley has dealt with dementia before in some of her own relatives.
I'm already starting to see the signs myself and getting more horrified by the day, and she tells me she has seen this for two years?? Tells me she doesn't think my mom should be driving, that neighbors saw her hit the median strip, etc., etc Shirley was the first person to ever use the word "dementia" to me concerning my mother.
Well, the rest is history that I've wrote about endlessly all over this site. I was blindsided by my mom's dementia, made logistical decisions I deeply regret that have already cost me so much mentally but the financial will come too. I would have done many things differently had I had any clue that my mother had dementia.
I've been carrying resentment around about it, but keeping it to myself. I have never said anything about it to Shirley but I know she has noticed I don't stay in touch anymore.
Yesterday I went to my mom's and as I'm walking in the door she says- "Oh Piper just walked in here say hello" and hands me the phone. I freaking hate when people do that... so I was forced to have this awkward convo about Happy New Year, but I kept it short. And when asked how I was I said "okay" and nothing more. She's intuitive. I'm sure she noticed.
I don't want to keep feeling like this! I want to get over it, but I'm angry! If she would have told me I still would have moved my mother. I certainly don't think my mom was or is Shirley's responsibility. But I would have done it different and NEVER financially got involved and I would have never put her so close to me. I would have gotten advice and not done all the crap that has basically ruined my life.
How can I let this go and stop being angry at Shirley? Technically she didn't owe me any answers. If I can't see it in my own mom then shame on me right? But I didn't see it during those short visits. To this day my mom can still "fake it" for short periods. But Shirley did know. And she also knows dementia is a progressive disease.
What would you have done if you were in Shirley's shoes?
8 Answers
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Based on the description of Shirley, I suspect that she was aware of the changes and mulled over how to handle them. As a special ed teacher, she would have been trained to observe people more closely, and applied those observations to your mother.
I think it's coincidental that your mother moved just before Shirley provided you with more detailed information on your mother. I have a feeling she might have been instrumental in effectuating your mother's move. Perhaps that was her way of "intervening."
Her position also turns on the issue of to whom she owes candid information: your mother, or you. I'm not sure there is any good answer to this potentially conflicting obligation.
If I were her, I would have contacted you long before your mother moved.
I did become involved in one situation when I noticed that the issues were of mobility, and a possible health complication that could have gone either way (lymphedema). I mulled it over for a few hours, then called the out of state family with a "heads-up" alert on a potentially deteriorating situation.
And I was glad I did, as this woman passed within a matter of days. Then I wished I had visited her sooner and kept the family informed, quietly, and privately, but so that they could just decide to visit and make an assessment for themselves.
So I say, be grateful that Shirley was a companion when your mother lived close to her, extend an olive branch and thank her for her diligence. She may have gone through turmoil trying to decide whether or not to tell you of your mother's declining condition, and, actually I don't think she has a legal obligation.
I still think she was instrumental in getting your mother to move back to your area.
I have a dear friend who I believe is exhibiting very early signs of memory loss, possible dementia. My daughter is very good friends with her eldest, so I wimpwd out and told my daughter. She has ne toned it to her friend, who will keep track.
I'm not sure I would have been able to call up her child (who I've known since the age of 2) and say "I think you should be concerned about your mom".
Maybe Shirley thought you knew? Maybe she had a heart to heart with your mom and your mom lied and said she'd told you?
If you and Shirley have/had a surrogate mom/daughter relationship, consider calling her and pouring out your heart to her about your frustrations about your mom and her slipperiness.
This applies to a great many situations and includes seeing the decline in an elder.
How many times do we see posts here, about families not stopping a senior from driving when they are unsafe. They say they do not want to upset Dad or Mum, they are worried they may get angry. The greater concern is everyone else on the road, but that pales in comparison with Dad getting upset.
Mum will pull a nutty if I take away her panties and replace them with Depends... The list goes on. Today there is one about a senior dog and Dad with dementia.
I have whatever the trait is that leads to being a whistle blower and I can tell you that the blow back ranges from uncomfortable, to job loss, to once or twice appreciation.
Here is an example. I worked for Podiatrists for many years. Most their patients are seniors and come every 6-8 weeks. Mrs J had a mark on her face, 6 weeks later it was much bigger. I mentioned to her dil who always brought her to the appointments that it was concerning how large it had gotten. Now the Podiatrist is a medical professional and he too saw the increase in the growth, yet he did not make the call to her GP. I pushed the issue with her dil and when they came back for their next appointment the cancerous growth was gone. The dil thanked me for pushing her to get it checked. She had not brought it up because her mil was a cantankerous old bitty who would just pooh, pooh her.
Piper you know your mother is a handful. But you have no idea what Shirley may have done to try to get your Mum help. Mum may have covered well, and it was only in hindsight that Shirley saw the behaviours for what they were.
To answer the question in your post, if I had the ability to contact the kids, I would. I would also report the actions to the person's family doctor if I knew who they were. But not everyone is comfortable doing this.
Shirley really had no RIGHT to speak about your Mom's health to you. She had a right to speak to your MOM about speaking to you. But she had no right to invade the privacy of a friend unLESS she had real concerns for her safety.
I think what I am trying to say is "don't blame Shirley".
You asked what I would have done were I Shirley. But you are vague about what EXACTLY made Shirley worried. Were I worried about a friend I would watch, I would speak to her, I would attempt to get her to a doctor, I would sit down with the friend AT THE POINT I THOUGHT HER UNSAFE in car or otherwise, and say "Honey, I have to be honest with you. I am going to call your daughter and ask her to come visit. I am worried about you. I am fearful for your safety. I could be very wrong, and you may never speak to me again, but I am calling your girl". BUT I do need to tell you, in order to do THIS I would have to be VERY worried indeed.
I think Shirley is telling you she has been worried. But not sure what to do, or how worried. She has seen signs she worried about but could explain away one at a time, and etc.
I wonder, did YOU see signs? That you wondered about but could explain away?
Please don't ruin a treasured relationship your Mom had. Please know that this is all water under the bridge. Please know there is nothing now to do about this. So sorry for the shock and pain you are going through. Wishing you so much luck.
Hindsight is 20/20 and it may not have been until after hings progressed that Shirley could definitively see those early warning signs.
Those of us who have some first hand experience often realize that we tend to see dementia everywhere we look whether it is there or not.
And lastly she may have felt that the move was a good solution - may have even encouraged it - and therefor it wasn't necessary for her to say anything.
You forgive Shirley.
She is maybe from a generation that keeps their noses out of others' business. Maybe her only experience with dementia was from her own limited experience and she could not have known how bad it could get. She may have thought she was protecting your mom, since the "dementia" diagnosis is awful. She maybe sees herself in your mom, was trying to keep your mom's life her own until the very last minute. She maybe had no clue the downstream mental, emotional and physical dumpster fire that was going to unfold for not having informed you. Or maybe it was just a lapse in judgment. Maybe Shirley isn't as sharp as she used to be, either.
I am truly sorry for what you had to go through. I personally would always inform if I suspected a problem with a relative, friend or neighbor. I have advised others on this forum to do so.
But please work on not being bitter over it...this is hurting you and preventing the healing power and comfort from your many wonderful memories of your mom...and her bestie.
A friend and neighbor began exhibiting signs of dementia about 2 years ago. We're not close, but have known each other for 40 years.
I kind of kept my opinions to myself about some 'oddities' in her behavior--b/cv she has 5 kids who all live within minutes of her. Not my problem, right?
Well, I sing in the choir with her & it became very noticeable she was struggling. Couldn't find her place in the music, help it upside down, talked very loudly in the middle of a number "where are we? You are flat! What page are we on? She was also 'wandering' going for walks and getting lost. Luckily her dog always got her home.
One Sunday she came to church with her dress on inside out. She refused help offered to go into the ladies' room to change. (This was someone else helping her)
With several of us being so concerned, I tracked down her youngest daughter who is the only child who lives away. She was shocked and had no idea her mom was so bad. I handed this off to her and she came to town to assess. Seems the 3 older sisters were txing mom with essential oils....and not taking her to a neurologist. YD did step in, mom seems mildly better, but she does have a very 'far away' look in her eyes and she still can't follow music---so altho I know she's on meds for this...I can't do more.
You're not doing anyone a favor by not disclosing what you see in mental changes of a friend or family member. And the sooner they are dxed and treated, the better the outcome.
My friend is now 'aware' she's not hitting on all cylinders, and it's sad, but at least she doesn't say "I don't know what's wrong with me" all the time.
I get it--it's a fine line. I saw signs of untreated dementia for over a year before I called her daughter. Nobody wants to be the bad guy, for sure.