My grandmother is 69 years old. She has two sons, my dad and uncle, both of whom are addicts. Gram helped raise and provide for me, in some ways she was trying to overcompensate for my messed up childhood. All while she forgot to take care of herself. Only ate garbage and takeout, never exercised, never did what doctors told her-and now it has finally come to a peak. She has diabetes,non alcoholic chisorosis of the liver as a result, hypertension, a blood clot, a really bad knee, deaf, some incontinence issues, and is unable to bathe unassisted. The last two issues we were unaware of until she moved in and all of this was going completely unmanaged until a month ago.. After a recent fall she ended up in a rehab to gain her strength. Medicaid covered her to stay in the facility for two weeks and they cut her loose. The fact that they think she is fine to live alone is baffling to me. So my husband and I decided she could stay with us. It wasn't my dream to have her move into our 3 bedroom apartment but there isn't anyone else and it would have been a matter of time before the next accident.
I'm 28 , got married 4 months ago and live with my husband and our 7 yr old daughter, we both work full time. To say that this has been difficult would be an understatement. We originally had plans to buy a house and try for a baby after we got married. I just started a work from home job last week that I took to be home for gram. We are still going to attempt to look at houses, but have put off trying for another child now. On top of all this, as much as gram is a fall risk and requires some assistance, she is not incapable of all independence such as making simple meals, checking her blood sugar, doing her physical therapy, etc. The thing is she doesn't do ANYTHING without me having to ask 28374 times. It's always " I know" and/or "I will". For example drinking water or any fluids for that matter. It is like tooth and nail to get her to drink even two waterbottles per day. To get her to eat without me having to make it for her and bring to her on the couch, or to get her to get up and move as the nurses have told her she should be doing and don't get me started on handwashing and just proper hygene.. putting her teeth on the table and touching handles and remotes.. one of her medications causes extreme diarrhea which isn't her fault but she will have an accident and clean herself up and not tell me and than I am finding poop tracked through the house ..she could at least tell me! Anyways..everything is "I know, I will. Sorry" and nothing ever changes. I have really started to lose my patience. She is always saying " you better not put me in a home" and I have gotten to the point where I have told her that I don't mind helping out but I refuse to do the things that she is capable of and it isn't fair for her to expect me to. If she cannot do the bare minimum there will not be a choice as I have a full time job, a marriage and a child! I'm not asking for marathons here, just the bare minimum of taking care of herself. If she had it her way she would lie in bed all day, not take her meds, shower or change and eat junk food. That was her life prior. Additionally, she is a borderline hoarder and my husband and I are tasked with moving her entire apartment here and putting the rest in storage.
I am resentful. Mourning the loss of what I thought my life would be after getting married. Resentful that my dad and uncle don't have to be responsible or help out. Resentful that my gram didn't take care of herself, and still fights me when I am trying to do what is best for her health. I am TIRED. I am jealous of others my age not having to sacrifice so much, as I feel like I have already sacrificed so much growing up the way I did. And after all these feelings there is guilt. Guilt that this is admittedly probably not the best situation for my daughter or marriage and guilt that I even harbor this resentment.
Has anyone else ever dealt with this?
HI all! I truly appreciate all of the feedback. It is nice to have the validation from an outside source that I am not a completely terrible and selfish person if I can not be %100 caretaker. My gram has helped raise me and has given everything and been thru he'll and back with my dad and uncle and their addictions. It breaks my heart to witness no one else stepping up for her advocacy when she truly needs it.. No one is "making" me do this, but neither of her sons stepped up to either take her in nor alternative care. My moral compass will not allow me to just let her rot away in solitaire without taking her in myself or finding the care that she needs.
Growing up I remember her always saying to me " you are going to grow up and become rich and take care of me someday". I'm sure she was being funny, but I'd be lying if I said that I don't reflect on that often.
It makes it more difficult that she doesn't see herself as needing extra care despite the obvious daily scenarios that prove otherwise. What is alarming to anyone else is a non issue to her. This is someone that has never put much care into themselves, so having difficulty walking, high sugar, not taking meds, having feces on herself is sort of "meh" to her whereas it is startling for me to watch.
Since posting I have had very transparent conversations with her Regarding the feces and expectations to eat and drink, take her meds and sugar readings, as well as her physical therapy exercises. I set alarms on her phone so that she knew what time she was supposed to be doing what, got depends for any accidents that may occur, got a water bottle that measured the water intake. Organized all medications am/pm, and preped fresh meals and labeled them for easy preparation. I told her that if she can not do these things without me hounding her than I would have to look into a facility as I can not be her primary caretaker. I don't mind helping. But having to fight her for the bare minimum is exhausting and not healthy for anyone here. She gets extremely upset and guilt trips me.. says things like "fine if you don't want me here I'll leave but I'm NOT going to a home!!" (She has no where else she can go) I have tried to gently reiterate the expectations and that if she can not meet them, that we have to seek alternate care. I have to ask multiple times and raise my voice to get her to even have a glass of water.. I hate loosing my patience, but it has proved to be the only way she will actually eat/drink/ etc .We had discussions of expectations prior to her moving in. The primary reason for her coming to stay was just meant for oversight that she was doing what she was supposed to and making sure she didn't fall. I did not realize the depth of care she needed at all since she was living alone prior to this.. Perhaps I was naive. All that is certain is I vastly underestimated her issues. Despite my efforts not much has changed.
We are now waiting on a social worker and getting the process for medicaid started so that we can explore the option of an elder home. I constantly question whether or not I tried hard enough or gave it enough time. Having to explore this completely against grams wishes makes it all the more emotionally taxing. I hate being the bad guy and not who she needs me to be but
My daughter and husband deserve the best of me and not just whats left of me.
Thank you all for your input.
2 things I'd like to add..
1. Anosognosia (lack of insight). Common if cognitive decline (eg too high sugars for too long, stroke). (My Mother won't drink water, eat well or change wet clothing - shrugs. Has either denial & Won't see or brain changes mean she really Can't see it. A brain slowly breaking does not know it is breaking.. )
2. You said "stepping up for her advocacy". This. Your new role has arrived.
One of my grandmothers lived with my aunt and uncle for many years. She cooked (fantastically),cleaned the house,babysat many of her grandchildren,did crochet and needlework that she gave to her grandchildren. Then there came a time when everything declined and she needed to be placed. It was difficult but she adjusted. She lived to 98. I visited her. It broke my heart at the last place she was in but she was immobile and there was no choice. She had all her mental facilities to the very end but her body was failing her.
You deserve your future. You grew up sadly with adversity but you have the chance to live a life with happiness. You and your husband and child also deserve that. It may be very hard but the reality is your grandmother and her needs will not allow your family to thrive. I hope you can find the patb you need for your wellbeing.
Does she wear Depends. If not she should. And the doctor should be made aware of the diarrhea.
Taking care of someone means that you make sure that they are safe, in an environment that suits them and that they have the help that they need.
This goes for your family as well.
Your grandma needs more care than you can provide for in your home without the help of caregivers. Contact your area Agency on Aging and find out what services are available for her. Start the application process for Medicaid. Begin looking for a facility that will accept Medicaid. There is probably a waiting list. Depending on grandma's other health issues if she is eligible for Hospice there is a possibility that she would be accepted faster.
YOUR priority should be your daughter, your husband and yourself.
I am sure if you had asked her 10, 15 years ago what she wanted for you, for your life, caring for her would NOT have been at the top of the list.
Oh yes, agree Grandma'54!
A relative of my DH's was pressing for me/DH/our kids to promise to "take care" of her in the future - coz she didn't know what she'd do, that's what families are for right? And we'd want to... I said of course. We will find a great care home for you that meets your values & needs.
CLANG
That was the giant penny dropping with open-mouth shock - that we weren't lining up to quit our jobs, move into her home, do hands-on.
As I'm typing it, I realised her request was the perfect example of F.O.G. Fear, Obligation, Guilt.
But by being real & having a real conversation meant she can be realistic with her future plans. She took it with bravery which I respect.
Now you love your Grandmother, that is clear.
*Love* does not mean being her hands-on caregiver is compulsory. Nor does it mean putting her physical needs before that of your own, your child, your partner.
The only way to *care* isn't providing your home to live in.
*Family* can be good, bad, indifferent. Define it how you want. Include those who you value, who value you - whether blood related or not. (Keep out who you want too).
*Life* has ups, downs & curve balls. Sometimes you catch a ball you probably should have dodged..
I admire you for loving & wanting to care for your Grandmother. But it's always good the re-assess the plan!
I reckon you have some steel about you & you do not sound like a victim here. Your Father/Uncler aren't making you.. you choose to take Gram in. You are in charge. So I reckon you can work this out pretty quickly... That you can still love & care for Grandma even if she moves into care. Be her loving visitor, bring her treats, arrange her bills/clothing all the practical stuff but also have the energy left for YOUR life, your family. She would want you to, right?
You know the saying "It takes a village to raise a child"? It takes a village for an elder too.
So either hire your village helpers in your home or move Gram to a nice AL or NH with village helpers onsite. My vote is to move Gram as it gives her a senior social life too.
If she's on a med that makes her poop her brains out, something needs to change. That is a severe reaction and I would get that med changed to a new one yesterday.
Tell HER children that they need to help find a solution ASAP. Grandma is NOT your responsibility. If her kids don't want to take responsibility, then it's on them, not you.
Stop begging her to drink, eat, etc. My mom is the same way. I suggest things and let her choose to do it or not. She chronically does not drink enough. I have suggested things that just fall on deaf ears. OK, get dehydrated and don't blame me when you end up in the hospital (that's what I think, but don't say).
Hygiene is a big issue with me too. Totally grosses me out. I am changing the hand towel in my kitchen a LOT cuz someone likes to rinse her hands and think that that makes them clean. EWWW.
When grandma says "you better not put me in a home" next, this is a great lead in for a serious conversation. Let her know that her pee, poo and handwashing issues are very serious and way too much to handle at home. Tell her this is way too much for her to expect you to deal with. You're only 28 and a newlywed and want to have a baby. Use the baby as an excuse!
Start setting boundaries ASAP. Tell her she should be drinking plenty of water. But that you'll leave it up to her to do or not. If she doesn't she could end up dehydrated and in the hospital. Her choice.
Make her be as independent as possible. Regarding meals - decide what you're willing to do and tell her she needs to do the rest. Family dinner? But she needs to feed herself and clean up after herself (explaining exactly what that means in your house) the rest of the day. Then leave her to her own devices and stay out of the way and do not mention it again or remind her or whatever.
I hope she's wearing some kind of pullup "diaper" thingy for her issues. If not, demand it.
Make sure that she's paying for all her own things and helping buy food, etc. Don't support her.
What a trainwreck. You need your life back!
Now that all of that's been said, how are you going to get gram out of your 3 bedroom apartment so you can move on with your own life and devote yourself to your new husband and 7 year old? It's not fair to them that grandma is living in their home, and that your time & attention is being devoted to her instead of them. And that she's tracking feces throughout their living space to boot. At 69, grandma can live another decade probably, even with her existing health problems. Can YOU live with her for another decade, with her health declining the entire time, waiting on her hand & foot & cleaning up the nasty messes she makes? Now that's a horrible thought!
And last but not least, your exhaustion, resentment and anger at this situation will spill over to your husband & child & they will suffer for it. I know; I grew up in a house where my grandmother lived with us, much to my mother's chagrin, and I suffered as a result (and so did my grandmother & my father). Mom should have had the good sense to find other living arrangements for her mother, but she 'toughed it out' for 25 years, to nobody's benefit I'm afraid. Once she finally said ENOUGH, and moved my gram out to another state to be with her other daughters, they couldn't deal with her & placed her in a nursing home in short order (with Medicaid footing the bill). No shame in that, either.
Before you finish moving grandma's mini-hoard out of her apartment, think about moving her back INTO it to live life as she sees fit. Let your father know that it's not YOUR responsibility to look after HIS mother, and that you're giving up that duty immediately. You're just not cut out to be a caregiver inside of your home. There's no shame in that. And stop feeling guilty, too, because your allegiance should be to your husband and child, not to grandma who's chosen to wreck her life by the age of 69 and become a burden to her granddaughter now!
I am 64 myself and would NEVER move in with my children b/c they deserve lives of their own; not to be saddled down with me or my husband!! We have 7 children between us and no intent of moving in with ANY of them!
Please rethink this entire situation and put your immediate family at the top of your priority list. Let grandma know you love her, but that this living arrangement is NOT working out; sorry. Not for lack of trying or wanting to make it work, but for not realizing the scope of her needs & your inability to manage her care. Put it to her that way; she can't argue such a thing.
GOOD LUCK!