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I'm taking care of Norma, a 73 year old widow with mobility issues.
Her 96 year old mother is in rehab in another city (two hour drive). The woman I'm taking care of has 2 sisters and a brother, they live in the same town as the woman I'm caring for. One of the sisters is taking care of the mother, but she can no longer continue to take care of her. The sister and mother each own a 1/2 interest in the house. We are having lawyers trying to stop Medicaid from taking the house. This means taking frequent trips to deal with the mother, brother and sisters. This results in frequent trips to the mother's city about 2 hours away, I end up paying for the trips.
The brother's car broke down recently and I ended up paying 3k for the repairs. The woman I take care of has a son and daughter living about 50 miles from me. We seldom hear from them. Norma is paying $700 a month to help with her son’s house payment. She is also giving her $400 a month to clean her mother/sister’s house.
Norma has a small pension and social security. When she runs out of money, I end up supporting her. I own the house we live in outright, it is small in a rural area and I have little or no help.

I think this is between you and Norma. Maybe get a counselor. They do it via the Internet now so you would be at home, kind of like Face Time. She needs to hear that you feel taken advantage of. You need to hear that she loves you, isn't using you. If it turns out in the conversations that you continue to doubt her love, then you'll need to set limits with her, like telling her that she needs to pay you the $400 she gives her mother/sister (Why can't her sister clean it lol). But if she has loved you for years, and if it was mutual, and you are wealthy, then why not be kind. If these adult children were your own, would you be helping them? I think so. In Texas, all your income during any marriage, common law or otherwise, is community property so Norma might be entitled to it. And property you had before her may also be community property with her, depending on how you handled it. I wonder if you need an attorney or accountant, if you don't already have one. A loved one doesn't leave a loved one's brother without car repair. But paying for someone else's house cleaning is absurd. The money is probably not really going for cleaning anyway since the amount is way too high. And paying part of someone else's mortgage might not be the best decision depending on why and how long he needs help. He could sell it and rent. Best wishes sorting out how much of this was love, and mutual love, or not.
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Reply to marybost
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I find this whole story hard to believe…… or, someone is a complete fool. Sorry
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Reply to Katefalc
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You are holding Norma hostage in an isolated cabin and she has no assets?
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Reply to JoAnn29
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lealonnie1 Oct 3, 2022
My response to him on his post in Discussions is:

So if you have this 'out', and if you're 'well off financially', why are you writing another post asking 'I'm being used, what should I do?'
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Why would anyone step in to 'fix' a situation that isn't broken, in their estimation, since you've ridden in on your white horse to save the day by paying for everything?? Norma & her family love you to pieces!!

Norma needs to live on her 'small pension & social security' income, without relying on you to bail her, her mother, and the rest of her family out of the crises they keep having. You paying $3K for the brother's car repairs makes less than NO sense to me. Why would you do such a thing? How is her brother YOUR responsibility, not to mention her mother and her son? How is Norma able to afford $700 a month to 'help with her son's house payment?' And 'giving her $400 a month to clean her mother/sister's house'? Who's 'her'? Norma is giving out $1100 a month to other people and then asking YOU to finance her life?

Yes, you're willingly being taken advantage of BIG time here. And you ask, "What should I do?" What do you WANT to do? Cut Norma off, is the first answer that comes to mind. Give her NO MORE MONEY and tell her to stop paying other people's bills when she can't afford to pay her own, b/c you're done supporting her.

If you're not very careful here, Norma's mother will move into your house, too, and you'll be supporting her as well. Then Norma's son and next her brother!

Either you put your foot down now or this entire family will be walking all over you like a doormat and you'll be flat broke in short order.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Yes, you’re being used. What should you do? That depends on whether or not you’re content with being used. If you want out of the situation then stop all the rides, care, and the money. Norma will soon move on to a new person and plan for the help she needs
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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I think there is more going on here than Norma being a friend. Why otherwise would a man be taking care of a woman.

Also, why is Norma involved in trying to save her Moms house. Actually Medicaid does not work that way and paying a lawyer is a waste of money. Medicaid does not take houses. If her Mother now needs LTC and has no assets, other than SS and maybe a pension, she applies for Medicaid. The house is exempt. If the sister has taken care of the mother for over 2 yrs, she applies for a Caregiver allowance so she can remain in the home. But she owns half the house so that is not a problem. She can remain there. When mother passes, a lien will be put on her half. Sister can remain living there. Once she sells or passes, the lien will need to be satisfied.

I don't know why, other than the sister who owns half the house, the other siblings are even involved. Its between the sister who owns half and Medicaid. When the application is made out it needs stipulate that two people own the house.

Norma does not have the income to pay for her sons mortgage. Does he realize what his Mom receives a month. Why does she pay to have her sisters and mothers house cleaned. $400 is a lot. How dirty can 2 people be. If there are 4 children they should all be paying.

If the remaining children think they are going to save Moms half of the house, they aren't. It becomes an asset that can be sold so Medicaid can recover for paying for Moms care. Lets say the house is worth $200,000. If it sold Sister owns half so she gets the 100k. Moms been on Medicaid for 2 years so owes about 50k to Medicaid. That has to be satisfied at time of sale from Moms half. So the other siblings split 50k 3 ways. If they all want to hold onto the house, they pay the lien.

I think Norma's family is very misinformed. Medicaid does not take houses. It works as I have described. The survivors are responsible for selling a house and making sure the lien is satisfied. If the house is sold while Mom is on Medicaid, it must be sold at Market Value. Sister getting her half and the other half going for Moms care. Better that the sister live in it.

When you start feeling like your being used, you probably are. If its getting too much for you to support her, then she needs to be told to tell her son and sister she can no longer help them. And the cost of living is a good reason. If son cannot afford his mortgage he should have never bought the house. His 73 yr old mother should not be expected to foot the bill. Neither should she be paying to clean her sisters house. Mom should have been paying her share.
You make it clear to all of them. Your not married not your responsibility when she has the money.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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How did you come to be caring for Norma?

When did these requests for monetary support start?

Are you paying rent to live there, or is this a barter situation?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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No one can take advantage of you without your permission.

Unless I am missing something, Norma is in no position to help with her son's house payment, nor to pay for the cleaning of her mother/sister's house. This should stop immediately. Her pension/social security should be used to pay for her own room and board and care while in your house. As for all the things you pay for, for everyone else, this should also stop. Those frequent trips should stop as well. If Norma wants to be there a family member should be responsible. Or how about a phone call/zoom call. You are in charge of your involvement in this. As others have said, "No" is the answer.
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Reply to Natasana
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You are taking care of Norma and helping her siblings and her mother.
Norma gives her SS to her son and mother, then you end up supporting her.
Of course you are being used, by entire family.
Calculate how much expenses you have per month, for both, including gas, food, utilities and at minimum Norma should cover half, and some rent.
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Reply to Evamar
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You want out, right? Why do you put up with this? Does Norma do anything for you?
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Reply to Fawnby
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Yep, you are being used.

I would tell Norma that you will no longer support this arrangement and she can go live with her son.

No, it is a complete sentence.

When we have loaned money for car repairs, we place a lien on the title and that means signed, notarized loan documents. This stops people from using us for financial gain.

People can only use you if YOU allow it.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 1, 2022
Tommy, you sent me a PM that says you are a 70+ man, what does that have to do with anything?

If you loan money, you do a promissory note that states the vehicle is the collateral, how much, interest rate and payment terms. Then you go to the DMV and place a lien against the car.
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Sounds like you're willingly being used unless someone took your credit cards and charged all this stuff without your knowledge.
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Reply to MJ1929
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What’s the question? A way to get out of the arrangement?
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Reply to Becky04469
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Is there a reason you're paying for all this? Is Norma a friend or relative of yours? Guess I don't understand the question
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