I’m burnt out and feel like I’m loosing it. Any advice?

Why should you be feeling guilty for having taken on too much in your life? What human being is expected to be a full time worker, full time mother, full time caregiver to a father with COPD & dementia, full time wife and and and? Why do you think your mother left your father when all these issues cropped up? Probably b/c SHE felt overwhelmed JUST by his issues alone, without having 3 children in the house and a full time job to contend with. You're not Superwoman so something has to give. Since you can't give up being a wife or a mom, you either give up your job or caring for your dad. Which one will it be? My vote is you give up caring for dad who can easily segue into a Memory Care Assisted Living Facility if he has the funds to self pay, or a Skilled Nursing Facility with Medicaid if he does not.

Let go of the 'guilt' and look at things realistically. What would you tell your best friend if she came to you with this issue? To feel shame that she can't juggle all these balls in the air at once? Or would you tell her to let go of something to make life more manageable?

You can't expect your friends or family to come in and take care of dad for a day; they'd have no idea where to even begin or what to DO. You can get dad some respite care in a local Memory Care AL for a couple of weeks so you and your husband can have some time together, and so you can see how he does. That's a good option to start. Get dad OUT of the house and into respite care so you can get a well needed break. Call around some local Memory Care ALs and see who offers respite care. Go from there; it's a good start to thinking about permanent placement for him. My mother lived in Memory Care AL for 3 years and had a great level of care and socialization there. No guilt on my part at all, just a good deal for BOTH of us.

Your body is exhausted and telling you to DO something, please, before you have a breakdown. Listen to it. It's wise and knows best.

Good luck

I think dad needs to be placed in a facility. My suggestion is to start looking and dont feel guilty for having to get him out of your home. Eventually he will become too much to take care of in the home (though it sounds like he already is) and he will have to be placed. Then once he is you will wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

You did it for 4 years. There is nothing to feel guilty about if you get him out of your house. What i have found on this forum is that so many old people are living into their late nineties and hundreds
How many more years can you do this?

adding to the questions asked below...
Is your dad a Veteran? If so the VA might be a great place to start.
Contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission. (every County will have one that you can contact)
Or
Contact (your State) Department of Veteran's Affairs
Your dad may qualify for Hospice.
With Hospice you will get a Nurse that will come in 1 time a week, more often if needed. A CNA that will come in at least 2 times a week to give him a shower or bath, maybe change bedding, order supplies.
You will get all the supplies and equipment that you need to care for him.
this is all covered by Medicare, Medicaid, most insurance. And about 1 week a year you can request Respite where they will transfer him to a facility so you can get a break, this also is covered. And you can ask for a Volunteer to come in and give you a break as well.
Your local Senior Center might have some programs that might help
If there is an Adult Day Program that he could participate in he would likely get picked up in the morning and returned in the afternoon. They would provide a snack, lunch and activities.

Welcome Leanyra90,

Vent away.

Please answer the questions from BarbBrooklyn.

Immediate solution is to privately hire a companion aid for your Dad (using his funds, not yours) to keep him from Shadowing you (a common dementia behavior).

Also, stop expecting/hoping that others will help you (family, neighbors, friends). "It takes a village" doesn't apply here. The villager's plates are already full with their own problems.

Call social services for your county for an in-home assessment to see if he qualifies for any county-funded help (such as light housekeepinig, hygiene, light food prep). See: Dept of Health and Human Resources+(your state+your county).

Once you answer the needed questions you will get all sorts of more specific responses on this thread.

Leanyra, welcome!

It sounds like YOU have a lot on your plate and your first resposility is to your kids!

What are dad's needs?

Have you called the local Area Agency on Aging and asked for a "needs assessment"?

What are dad's resources, both in terms of income and assets?

Do you have POA for health and financial matters?