I'm my dad's caregiver. My aunt is in charge of his trust and pays me $200/month and refused to pay more citing I'm not entitled. Options?
I've quit my job and with his mental conditions it makes it hard to have a normal work schedule. He has COPD, bipolar and epileptic seizures. He hasn't worked in nearly 20 years and never moved out of his mother's house so he has never even had a bill in his name. He is 58 and could never live without some assistance.
Since I quit my job, it's been a struggle the past 8 months. I've found side work here and there but have trouble keeping up. Rent is 1500, I also pay for the electricity, water and garbage and in turn he pays (my aunt from his trust) for cable/internet and his Alhambra water.
My dad and my aunt have never really gotten along or like each other. She's been super successful (PhD in psychology) and him, well, not so much. But he did help my grandmother around the house with all the man stuff and kept clean and tidy.
Now, I did receive a truck that my dad agreed from his trust to purchase for me and I'm very blessed and thankful and have not abused it whatsoever. It's nothing fancy. Single cab work truck. V-6. 2WD. No lift and stock rims. But she's mine and I love it.
I've been taking great care of my dad. Took him to see a pulmonologist for his lung health. He didn't have one before, but I knew he needed a specialist. I've made sure he makes every single doctor's appointment, took him to emergency clinic when he wants, grocery shopping, helped him with his drinking, smoking, and mental problems. When he has seizures I make sure he's propped up or on his side. Cook for him. Washed his soiled clothes. Convinced him he needed psych meds to help his anxiety and depression. And had to endure some nasty words when he was in a bad mood and he has grabbed knifes or objects and threatened me physically. But he's too frail to harm me and he never new how to control his anger. But I've worked diligently to help him at it.
My aunt all the while, has been living her life and not had to deal with any of this. Aside from writing me the check and some of the tax paperwork which we never saw. She recently tried to move him out behind my back and my dad told me that she was scheming to get him a little single wide mobile home. Even though she knows he can't live by himself and when he told her he was just gonna live with me she threw a fit and told him she was changing her number and having a separate company be in charge of his trust money. She has refused to get him stuff he's asked for citing he doesn't need it or that's not what it's for. When I moved him in with me, she purchased new furniture, and him a new bed, and a washer and a dryer. When he needed a new phone, she came up to see us and he said it wasn't too bad but she hadn't witnessed it crash, operate slow, or seen or heard his frustration using it. His phone was from 2013 and lowest grade. After he said his is ok, she looks at me and says "sounds like you want it more than him." I felt confused cause it felt she was implying I was gonna take it for myself. When I had, two months earlier purchased a flagship phone and had shown it to her at her house previously. There's so much I could talk about but don't have the room.
I take care of my dad not just for him, but for her as well cause these two are like gas and fire thrown together and I've seen them act like teens when they've argued. Except she is the educated one. She still gets do her thing. As well as quit my job, I've had to quit my band I was with nearly two decades. Lost nearly all my social life. And lost money for not being able to work fulltime. But this enabled me to improved his health. All the while not asking much from her. She's bought him groceries twice(out of her own pocket she loved to boast and make me feel bad about). She hasn't taken him to one doc appointment, picked him up from the hospital, or even really ever wanted to be bothered by him. I feel my dad and I are being taken advantage of. Just don't know what to do or how I could be in charge of his trust. I just need advice on what to do.
For one when I asked for a copy of the trust and its entitlements, I received a letter from the attorney of the trust. Not sure if it's my aunts attorney too, but was told I was not allowed to receive a copy cause I was not a beneficiary. But I thought if/when my father passed away that I would be inheriting his stuff. It also said it does not cover for gas, even though on a previous document I received it said it did pay for gas for his transportation, or for a taxi service.
Where it said my aunt went behind my back means exactly that. She did not inform me of it and was making these plans without my knowledge. My dad has been an epileptic since before the year 2000, but was officially diagnosed around this time. He also was an alcoholic and methamphetamine addict as well. He was on Ritalin at the age of 6, till somewhere in his teens he stopped taking it. He's bipolar and has anger management issues, paranoia, and short term memory loss. When he has a seizure, he is very disoriented for at least 3 days, having trouble remembering where he is, what city we're in, and remembering to eat.
In August of this year, he stopped taking his citalopram cold turkey and had severe side effects from it. So when getting his dosage right again, he would be combative with me verbally, threaten me physically, and think I was trying to kill him. He was having these more frequently in the months before I had his doctor prescribe him citalopram. Also when he would get anxiety or have an anger outburst, it would upset his COPD. Causing him to gasp for air, panic, and sometimes he would urinate or defecate himself in these panics.
I have already had a doctor sign a official statement saying he needs next to near or full time assistance. She is a psychologist with a PHD and works for the California State Correctional Department. She more than knows that my dad cannot live by himself and has these health problems. Her of all people, should know him living by himself and asked to take his medications, get his medications from a pharmacy, pay bills he has never had any experience doing, expecting him not to drink or use drugs, and maintain a clean sanitary living quarters is not in his best interests and downright dangerous.
Feb. 20th, 2015. My dad was still living in his mom's(my grandma's) home. My grandma had been placed in assisted living in August 2014, My aunt decided to give my dad the benefit of the doubt to live there(at home) until she passed, or when she could find him a place. In Feb is when I get a call from her. She said I needed to get to the house and check on him immediately. She said the house was a mess, he was drinking and using drugs again, and the neighbors said some vagrants were coming in and out of the house as well and causing ruckus. When I got there, every dish, dirty. Pots, pans, fork, knife, coffee mug, Tupperware, you name it. Every garbage can, overflowing. Both bathrooms, filthy. Floors not swept. Carpet not vacuumed. I arrived around 8am, and asked how he was. He proceeded to tell me that people were trying to steal his stuff, that he just talked to Roger Waters of Pink Floyd, who now was selling solar energy systems, and they were going to start a band together. So I said, that's awesome and can't wait to hear them jam. Then I asked if he was hungry and he said yes, "I'm starving!!". I've never seen anyone eat a 2 sausage Mcmuffins w/egg combo, two big breakfast platters, two sausage breakfast burritos, 3 orange juices and a coffee so quick in my life. I spent the next 48 hrs with him. He was coming down off meth and watched him 18 hrs straight sit up and say "I can't sleep I need a cigarette." Then 3-5 minutes later say "I'm tired i need to sleep." All the while, I turned away 4 people asking if he's home.
The problem with this though is his well being would not benefit him and she would not hesitate for a second to put him in a psychiatric facility.
A couple times before we had a fallout, when we would start to talk about him and some of the hurt and trouble he's caused, she would start to get angry and saying how he's so lucky to have any money from the trust at all. And she doesn't have to get him anything she doesn't want to if she feels like it.
I chalked it up to reliving passed trauma they've had. My dad tells me stories of her blackmailing him as teens. And also back in 2001-02, my dad and her had a physical altercation cause he was drunk and punched her in the face. My dad would turn up his rock and roll on the record player extremely loud when completely intoxicated. So when she was at my grandma's and dads house this was happening and she told him go check on something and when he did this she took his bottle of alcohol and refused to give it back. Then the altercation happened. She didn't suffer extreme bodily harm, but he threatened to kill her. And she pressed charges and he served 1.5 years in Folsom Prison. He had a prior sheet a mile long for many alcohol and substance abuse offenses. This time, the judge thought jail wasn't enough and sentenced him to the real big house.
So, me leaving my dad in her custody only, is literally leaving a a puppy in a snakes lair and expecting a happy ever after conclusion.
I'm not heartless. I told him I'd never give up him. If that means sacrificing everything else, so be it. The right thing, is never the easy thing.
njfoster@ncmc-mediate.org
Most mediation centres belong to an association and know where the others are located. Send an email to this one, tell them your address, and ask for a reference to one close to you. You don’t need to explain your problem at first, just find a local place.
Looking at the allowance you're paid, $200 a month, of course the first question is where else your aunt imagines she'd get that much care for the money. Heavens! - if you were to walk out, all of her options for his care and welfare would be hugely more expensive.
But. It seems she's already thought of that, and it sounds as if she still thinks it would be a good idea to get him into a more structured environment. He says she's going to pack him into some tiny little trailer and lock him away... I don't think you can rely on his interpretation of anything she might have proposed. When you say she tried to move him out behind your back, what exactly happened?
"I hope that someone in the USA can give some hints about how to find a mediation service, preferably non-profit. I would be very surprised if they don’t exist. Help, someone?"
Here is a "a private, nonprofit California corporation...located 17 miles north of San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge in Marin County"--
Northern California Mediation Center, 175 North Redwood Drive, Suite 295; San Rafael, CA 94903
(415) 461-6392 | FAX: (415) 461-7492
http://www.ncmc-mediate.org/ (Copy & Paste URL to your browser.)
Email: njfoster@ncmc-mediate.org
You have a very complicated and frustrating situation. Hope that this information helps.
Perhaps the best (and cheapest) way to improve things would be to look for a local agency attached to a community legal centre, that provides mediation. A legally trained mediator could look at the trust deed, and perhaps the tax returns, explain what is going on, and talk about options. A disability organisation might be able to suggest where to find one. Transferring trusteeship to a company might even be a good idea – it would cost more, but it might stop the doubts about whether things are being done properly.
I hope that someone in the USA can give some hints about how to find a mediation service, preferably non-profit. I would be very surprised if they don’t exist. Help, someone?
As far as the amount left over, there is between $90,000-$95,000. My aunt is also a state correctional facility psychologist with a PHD. She decides who is or isn't up for parole. When I got the place my dad and are living in, she told me this was the most normal living environment he's had since being a teenager.
I've watched my dad live with his addictions and his demons for years. I've picked him up on my bicycle from jail as a kid, picked him up drunk from friends, watched him have seizures, and consoled him when he has had breakdowns. I more than understand who he is, what he needs, and how to deal with him.
I'm not gonna say I'm perfect. And everyday is learning experience. Some are more easy than others. But it's better him with me, than with stranger's or the sober living house he was at previously before I moved him here with me. I have not asked my aunt for much more. But she only gave me that much cause she said if and when I had to spend more time with him, she would pay more. She even said one time she would look into getting us a house so we could have a place and there's been no word of it for a year now and it's coming up on two years I've taken care of my dad. And when she gave me back pay when I first started, she gave me $350 when he'd been living with me for 6 months already. But I didn't complain or get upset, I said thank you and was appreciative for what I received.
Now, when my dad received his bank statements for the year or what was spent out of the trust, there are a few discrepancies. One is $3,800 dollars taken out that reads "unforeseen circumstances". Another one is concert tickets to see Eddie Money that somehow cost $550 for two tickets at the local fairgrounds where we are. It was not some special event at a high class venue. It was outside, in a folding chair section that would've been at the very most, $100 a ticket. Also the bank statements are blank, or unclear on who/where the money was paid. Just the amount paid and the date the transactions.
Also in these papers was a letter from the attorney informing him that I was not allowed to to ask for a copy of the trust cause I was not a recipient and I should be more mindful and thankful for all the hard work time my aunt has put in. She has also not paid me this month, paid my dads cable bill this month, and text him she never wants to talk to him again and have to call my other aunt to talk to her and she'll relay the messages. The executor aunt said she was getting a company fo handle the funds, but has not stated who, when, or what this is.
I too, gave her the benefit of the doubt, as I have to all people I've met in my life. But she is not holding up her end of her requirements and still gets to have her career and social life. I'm pretty sure she knows exactly what she's doing.