Two years ago my dad passed away, and ever since I have been living with my mom and taking care of her and the house. She is very overweight and can't hardly get around by herself let alone take care of the house by herself.
Shortly after my dad died things were okay and she was grateful that I was there to help her, but recently she has been acting really lame to me about some of the things that aren't getting done. She has an extremely irritating tendency to infantilize me and treats me like a lazy teenager (I'm 33 years old by the way) whenever I don't immediately hop to whatever chore she would like me to get done. She calls me on the phone several times a day and has me come to do something like vacuuming or blowing the leaves off of the deck and it feels like she just likes to find something for me to do whenever she feels like I'm sitting around too much and it really irritates me. When I am doing something like vacuuming or watering the house plants she will literally stand there watching me do it and criticize the way that I am doing the chore. I have told her repeatedly that I find it extremely annoying and she just doesn't seem to care.
The other day she sat me and my girlfriend down on the couch and started laying into me (and HER) about the garage not being cleaned and various other things that she feels I need to get accomplished. In short, we ended up having this HUGE fight and I left and got my own place with my girlfriend.
I have since spoken with my mom and made a bit of peace with her and assured her that I will still be coming around to take care of things but I have already moved out. I just worry that I made the wrong decision and am failing at my duties as a son to help take care of her. She really has been an amazing mom my whole life and I made a promise to my dying dad to look after her.
Am I a bad son for moving out and leaving her all alone? I have a tremendous amount of guilt regarding this decision.
Secondly, you moved in with your mother out of the goodness of your heart, and to help her out. Not to be ordered around like a drill sergeant in a bad mood every day. Instead of being grateful, your mother was pissed you weren't doing enough. There are services to HIRE in order to accomplish those tasks so she can continue to sit around and recline. Her son should be treated like a beloved person and not with wonton disrespect.
Your mother needs a huge wake up call, which she got when you moved out, I would think. You did the absolute right thing imo and don't think otherwise. Mom can move into Assisted Living if she wants a staff to wait on her, and even then, there's no foot rubs or peeling grapes involved.
She's morbidly obese. That could kill her. One of the best things you could do is to encourage her to get help for that, starting with a visit to her primary care doctor. She may have mental problems such as dementia, depression, and whatever led her to be obese in the first place. (Note: Do not get involved with taking her to doctor visits. That could go on endlessly. If she's too fat to drive, teach her to call an Uber or something. There are also volunteer driving services for elders who can't get to medical appointments on their own.)
She can water her own plants. It's really quite simple. Also she could buy a robot vacuum. They are helpful and kinda cute. Mine even has a name.
Promises we made on someone's deathbed are not always possible to keep. We make them in the heat of emotion, wanting to ease the person's transition into wherever. But when it comes to some things, we just can't do it. Taking care of a morbidly obese and demanding mom who wants to be your wife is in that category. Have a good life with your girlfriend (who, if you were to insist on becoming mom's slave, might decide to move on to someone without a mom yoke around his neck).
Good luck!
As to guilt. You did not cause your mother's needs.
You are not responsible for your mother's needs.
Therefore there is no guilt involved as guilt infers responsibility for things.
The correct G-word is "grief".
Grief that your mother has needs while you yourself have your own life.
Your mother's assets serve to take care of her needs. She is responsible for maintaining her health and her weight so she can function in the world. The world demands that you are independent or that you seek care in any way you are able. That is up to your mother, who is an adult.
Now if you WISH TO HELP that is one thing. Let your mother know with a list of things that you WILL do while/when you are able. Tell her you cannot do more. Give her agency numbers so she can hire assistance. Let her know you will help her find Board and Care of ALF accommodations.
This is a common dilemma for children who are groomed to believe that they have obligation to the parent who had them and raised them. You will see it all over AC Forum as you read. You may gain insight from reading to see how others have handled things.
Sure do wish you good luck. I hope you will find a way that will bring peace and a grateful attitude with Mom, but do understand that no one likes to hear the words "No, I can't possibly do that". Don't argue. Simply let your mother know your limits.
If Mom can afford it, she hires someone to clean, to mow the lawn, ect. Time for that talk. Mom, Dad has been gone 2 yrs and its time you start doing things for yourself. I cannot be at your beck and call. I have the right to live my own life. I work and eventually may marry and have a family of my own, I cannot jump when u say jump. If this house is too much for you now Dad is gone, sell and get yourself an apartment. I am no longer your little boy and thats how u treat me. I am a 33 yr old man. You cannot be calling me several times a day to come home and do whatever you want me to. You cannot demand that I do this and that, I am not your husband.
No problem in helping Mom, but you do it in your time. If she continues to call u during the day, you block her. If GF and you want some alone time, block Mom. Maybe set up one call a day. Maybe 7pm after work and dinner and before TV time. Give her a white board to write down things she feel she needs done. You review it with her and determine if its something you want to do or she will need to pay someone. There must be teens that would love a mowing job. Maybe u can afford one day a month for someone to come in and do a good cleaning. Mom maintains it in between. Its called compromising. If she wants your help, she needs to realize you have a life and you do when you can do. You are not a baddie here. Your an adult trying to do what u can for Mom and not getting burned out in the process.
Has the way Mom has been treating you been since the GF has come into the picture? Since this is something new, Mom needs to see her doctor and be checked for a UTI. She needs a physical with labs to rule out anything physical causing this problem. It could be Thyroid, potassium level, etc. She could be in early Dementia.
Never move back in with Mom. There are options. If you want to marry, the last thing you do is move Mom in. Respect your wife. She should always be #1. And Mom should know that from day one. My MIL learned it.
At age 68 I lost 80 pounds from my original 265, having realized that if I were ever to become a grandmother, I needed to get into training to run a lot faster than I was able to do then.
After that weight loss I realized that the less I weighed, the happier and healthier I got, so I have since gone down to 140 or so. IT CAN BE DONE. The weight provides her with a dandy excuse to lay stuff on you, and also speaks to her inappropriate care of herself.
Your mention of “lazy teenager” is apt, and unless AND until you alter YOUR mental set about her efforts to “infantilize” you, you may continue the same feelings and reactions when she does it. Stop responding to more than one phone call a day. Does she have the money to provide for paying a handy person and house cleaner to do chores? If so, that’s how to handle that and CHECK IT OFF YOUR LIST.
Your realizing that you had the need to find a place for yourself is a HUGE step forward. Don’t second guess it for a second. It is a part of the disentangling process that WILL encourage her to think about the consequences of her own choices.
My marriage included a situation very similar with my own MIL. My husband had become her “helper” in every minute phase of life, and when we fell in love, she took to throwing grotesquely inappropriate temper tantrums, which only served to bring us closer. If you have found “the girl”, don’t expose her to any lectures by your mother again. If mom starts, both of you stand up and walk out.
You are IN NO WAY a bad son. If your dad made/suggested you to become his care surrogate after he died, what he did was inappropriate too.
My sons have been told already that I have NO INTENTION of ever living with either of them, and in fact I’ve selected a lovely residence in my area where I expect to be placed if I am ever reduced to being unable to take care of myself.
Focus on the relationship you could develop as two adult friends, and keep your focus firmly on it. Birthing another human does not imply lifelong ownership.
Continue to be kind and civil but FIRM. You are entitled to be who you want to be.
SEIZE that right.
It's time for your mom to get things figured out on her own as she is way too young to be so dependent on you. If she needs things done around the house that she can't do herself, she can hire some outside help to do it.
And it's time for you to set some healthy boundaries with her, so you and your girlfriend can maintain a healthy relationship without mom interfering.
It's been 2 years since your dad died and long enough now that mom should have things figured out for herself and by herself. She's a big girl now(in more ways than one)and needs to start acting like one.
As long as you continue to be her solution to everything nothing will ever change. Please remember that.
Best wishes to you and your girlfriend and starting your new life together.
is she doing the same things before dad passed?
my DH cannot move wrll anymore since he has his health issue. He will focus and point. He wants whatever he’s staring at to be removed.
it does get frustrating. The more you jump, the more things need to be cleaned, moved,! Or whatever. I finally told him, if I’m not getting things done fast enough, please do and help out. it’s okay, I understand, you need it now, so I give you permission to get it yourself.
You moving out and on with your life makes you a healthy son, not a bad son. And, you'll hopefully be a healthy husband and father who understands that his own life, wife and children are a priority over his Mom. Did your Mom orbit around her parents at any point? Probably not. If she did, it also would have been an unhealthy relationship.
My 94-yr old single Mom lives next door to me. She is the baby brat of her 8 siblings and has always lived vicariously through me, her only. She wanders over to my house several times a day ignoring the fact that my husband and I are on Zoom calls to clients or working in some form, with some "emergency" like needing her gutters cleaned, etc. I defer her non-emergency urges and remind her I haven't even cleaned my own gutters and tell her to go back home. I'm not her on-call solution, not her entertainment committee. There are days where I don't see her the entire day and I'll feel bad momentarily but then remember that if she had moved to FL or TX like she "threatened" so many times, I wouldn't be seeing her that day, either. She is a full-grown adult who had a successful nursing career, traveled globally, and raised me. She has started some cognitive (and physical) decline. My accepted responsibility is to help when she truly needs it, not when she just wants it.
Have you considered a few sessions with a therapist to help you find and defend healthy boundaries with your Mom? Sometimes they're hard to see when you've been steeped in an unhealthy relationship for so long. I don't think it'd be something you'd regret. Wishing you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you journey on as a man.
You said Mom was an amazing Mom . However, she is not acting amazing .
Sounds like she needs to see her doctor about her depression .
You should not be at her beck and call .
You go do chores when it’s a good time for you to do them . You should not let her dictate when you will come over to do things . You set the schedule not her . Those that need help are the ones that need to compromise . You need to set some boundaries , you are doing too much running to her on her demand .
If she has money , she should be hiring help to come do some things to take some of the burden off you .
If you continue to let your mother control your life , your girlfriend will leave you.