My Mum was physically abusive to me until I left home at 17. I moved to another country. We aren't close, but I do help her financially and call her every week.We argue on the phone because she tells me the title 'Bipolar' is just an excuse to be lazy and a b*tch. It's not a real condition. Please, I need tips on how to stay calm for this 2 week holiday and manage her insults. She's 90 now.
If you still want to visit in person, stay in a hotel. You can't control someone else's behavior.
You're adult. You can control how you respond and react to her. Also, you can tell mom to keep her insults to herself or she can learn how to survive without your financial support. That's right. Tell her plainly. If there is so much as one insult, one snide comment, one attempt at instigating a fight you will completely cut her off financially. I'm sure at 90 she will be too pleased by a reduced quality of life because you cut her money off.
I once saw a psychiatrist to help me sort out why I had such a stressful relationship with my own mother. After a few sessions, he said something profound. He said, "Accept the fact that you will never be friends with your mother." That was my epiphany and I stopped seeing him from there on in. I had gotten the help I needed.
When are you going to have YOUR epiphany?
Your mother is not acting like a mother but like a person you need to avoid for your own mental health reasons.
My suggestion is to cancel your trip, stop sending her money, and call her once in great while to see how she's doing. And when the talk gets ugly, hang up the phone and stop calling altogether.
A relationship is a two way street; not one where you do all the giving and the other party does all the taking.
However you decide to handle this upcoming trip, I wish you good luck and Godspeed. I sincerely hope you decide to take care of YOURSELF from now on b/c you deserve to do precisely that.
No, no, no, no, no! Someone who calls you a b*tch and diminishes your illness to just being “lazy” is literally poison.
She doesn’t deserve a visit. You don’t deserve to be stressing about this even before you get there. As someone else said, get a doctor’s note. Tell her your flight was cancelled. Or just say you can’t make it. Don’t do this to yourself.
Try to organise things as well as possible. Don’t stay with mother. Around the clock is too much, too likely to rub on each other. If you expect to talk with her about future care, that’s even more likely to cause ructions. Plan other things to do in the middle of your two weeks, in case it’s clear that you can’t just sit and look at each other. Plan nice things to do with her, as well.
Good luck!
If you can stay near by with friends or even if you have to stay at a hotel, motel, B&B whatever...a tent in the back yard or rather than rent a car rent a van or camper.
If you have to...
If you can't make any other arrangements
If you have to stay with your mom then...
I am guessing you see a psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist or some other professional. Talk to them about this up coming trip. Ask about methods that you can use to defuse a situation that you can not get away from.
I hope that at any time the situation gets to the point where it come to an argument that you can just up and leave the room or the house. Inform mom that you will do this if she starts in on you. Then follow through.
Don't take the bait she tosses out.
I think I would also plan for this to be a "visit" not a "holiday" and if things do not go well the first day or so readjust your plans and find another spot that you would like to visit and continue your travels.
You know how this is going to end up. Stop thinking it'll change. She will pick fights and you WILL argue. She will yell at you while you sit there and say very little... just like when you were a kid. You aren't a kid anymore and you do not have to take her crap.
And for God's sake, why are you giving her your money? She doesn't appreciate any of it. Tell her if you're such a lazy b*tch, then SHE needs to be the one going to work and earning a living for herself. No matter her age. Tell her you're just "too lazy" to help her anymore.
If you are hoping she'll say she loves you, or apologize for being so mean to you, or thank you for giving her money, it's not going to happen. If she can't treat you nicely, then you don't need to visit. Sounds like she has not gotten any easier to deal with in her old age.
For real. Stop and think why you are doing this to yourself. The "but it's your mother!" means nothing when she was not a mother to you.
As asked, I hope you are staying in a motel and why 2 weeks? My MIL was not a favorite person of mine. I think moving 900 miles ended up being a good thing but I found that visiting her for 1 week was enough.
The other cousin, she self-medicated with alcohol until diagnosed. The meds made her feel like a zombie, so she chooses not to take them. I hear though, she is having big problems now (66)and has returned to using alcohol. ALZ runs in her mothers family as does BiPolar and I just read where Bipolar and ALZ are genetically linked. So would not be surprised if she has early onset ALZ/Dementia.
It's not rocket science. It's just about setting boundaries before you get there and sticking to them.
And if the medication you're on for your bi-polar disorder isn't working well(as you should be able to lead a "normal" and productive life while being bi-polar)you may want to seek other medications.
My younger brother is bi-polar and it took him many years and many different medications before his doctors got it right. He is a firefighter and has been for many years, and is the face and spokesperson for the fire dept. in the city where he lives.
I wish you a happy holiday, and remember your mum has no control over you anymore. She can only hurt you with her words if you allow her to. So don't give her that power.
I don't get along with my MIL. No deep reasons, she simply hates me and wishes DH and I would divorce so 'she' could have peace. When you think that I spent less than 10 hours PER YEAR with her, over the kast 30 years, you really wonder where this all comes from.
She's 92 and not getting 'better'. She's now completely housebound due to severe agoraphobia--and there's nothing anyone can do.
At the 'end' of my relationship with her, I simply walked away and told her she could rest easy, she would never see me again. She hasn't and she won't.
It's been fine. She'd still rather I'd died when I had cancer or wishes DH and I would divorce, but for crying out loud---
Are you asking us if you should go? I'd pipe in a big "NO" and let it go.
I suppose the advice not to go would fall on deaf ears?
My daughter once, in a fit of frustrated rage, burst out about her sister: "there's nothing *wrong* with her, she's just NAUGHTY." But then again my daughter was about fifteen at the time and couldn't be expected to take a sophisticated view of mental health. Your mother is old enough to know better.
So, guessing that you are now sixtyish, and have been separated from your mother's sphere of influence for more than forty years, and have had quite some time to come to terms with your condition and learn about its management...
... *why* are you exposing yourself to two weeks of your mother's company? Will you be alone on this journey?
Brilliant Countrymouse.
It is statements like yours that the OP just might take a listen to, and not go. I know that your advice always comes from a caring heart. Just brilliant.
Will visiting Mother be a major or minor part?
How much financial "help" are you providing? Why are you doing that? Are you the plan for caregiving as she gets older? Is her plan that you will move home to be her 24/7/365 caregiving slave?
Are you an only child?
Well, I guess you feel obligated, right?
Read up on Fear Obligation and Guilt. Finding out what motivates YOU might be helpful.
Bipolar is not a "title". It is a condition and it should never be used as a REASON for not accomplishing something. So, if you're saying things like "oh I can do THAT, I'm bipolar", I think that's a mistake on your part.
What is it she wayou to do that you feel you can't? Be her caregiver? How about "I can't possibly do that because I don't want to"?
That means don't go.
Get a note from your doctor if you must.