I'm 77 and have been legally separated from my husband for two years. Is it wrong to move forward with the divorce?

Hi Boots1944,
I write from the patients point of view. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ almost 5 yrs ago now. I have had the discussion with my DW telling her when its time to put me in LTC to go ahead go out and make a new life for yourself. My DW is 8 yrs younger than me. I've told my adult children not to give Mom a problem if she wants to date, remarry whatever. I want her to continue to enjoy life as we have for just shy of 27yrs dating and married, she has a lot to offer. I told her I do anything she wanted to let her go on with her life. DW appreciates that and says, she'll do whatever is in both of our best interests. I am declining and seem to be having more confusion, able to do fewer things to help around the house. I've given up my share of the house, cars, bank accounts and they are now all titled in the name of her Trust. When I pass on, she'll have no worries about losing our home, money and other property. I am very happy that there isn't going to be a big load to worry about.
My conclusion is do what is in your best interest. Looks to me like you've taken all the action with the exception of filing the Divorce. Don't worry about what others say, when the rubber meets the road, sometimes we have to make decisions in our own best interest. My case, I think we've worked things out for the best of both of us. Maybe some other readers will see this and discuss what is best in their own interest and put a plan together and make it happen.
I hope and wish for the best in your future. I don't think you've been selfish at all.

Just do it. My brother has been separated for almost nine years and hasn't pushed to finalize the divorce because my SIL is caring for her parents. I've watched him waste almost a decade of his life being nice to his daughter's mother who hasn't been nice to him in 20 years. Now he's 63 and wants to start dating, but he's still trying not to look like the bad guy to his daughter.

Don't be my brother.

You don't have a relationship with him, nor live with him, nor are you a support during this cancer; I cannot see any reason why you should not consider your relationship over, and go ahead with your divorce. Cancer strikes us all, even ex husbands and wives.
Go ahead with the divorce. Write him a nice note that you are doing so and wish him good luck with fighting his illness.

Wish him well and get a divorce.

You do not have a relationship with him. You have already moved on. You are married in name only.

You don’t need anyone’s permission to legally divorce him in order to achieve complete closure.

Has he reached out to you asking for support?

It is terribly sad that he or anyone else receives a cancer diagnosis.

My husband recently received a cancer diagnosis, so I know how it feels to have a spouse face this challenge.

I have been with him throughout my marriage, so of course I support him.

I can’t say that I would wish to support him if we were living separate lives.

That would go against my character. If I close a door, it’s closed. I don’t go in and out of it.

I would wish him well though. Everyone deserves that as a fellow human being, right?

It is not your fault that he has cancer. It’s no one’s fault.

Live your life. Allow him to live his remaining days without confusion or false hope.

Isn’t he used to being away from you? It’s been years since you shared a life together.

I doubt that he is depending on you to be there for him.

Give this a bit more thought. Look at it as objectively as you can.

Consider speaking to a therapist if you need a clearer perspective on this situation.

You don’t have a need or desire to be with him, so why torture yourself?

If you are only concerned about supporting him out of a sense of ‘obligation,’ what good is it? Your heart isn’t in it.

Would you want that for yourself if you were in his shoes?

I would not want anyone doing anything for me it they resented it.

You had a marriage at one time. It is none of my business if it was good or bad.

You need to give yourself permission to go forward and be at peace.

Take care. Live your life for you.

I hope you do this. Staying in a marriage you don’t want to be in exacts a toll on you. I divorced my husband a few years ago. My only regret is not doing it years before.

Good luck to you!

It doesn't sound like he has a lot of time left.  Why not let it play out?  Are you afraid of being responsible for his medical bills and closing his financial dealings once he passes? 

Other posters were saying that your husband might want the divorce as well...I disagree.  He is dying...I don't think divorcing you is even on his radar at the moment.

Sounds like you have already moved on and are enjoying your life.  What is this piece of paper going to change?  Are you looking to remarry?

I have no idea how the rules around pensions and beneficiaries work in the US, but as he is dying, I would talk to an attorney.

It may seem predatory, but you need to know if your financial situation at his death could change depending on whether you are married by separated or divorced.

Now if you have a new fellow and hope to marry him, that changes things.

What difference will the divorce make to you? I only ask because I'm not clear how being still married to this man stops you from living your life and enjoying what you have left (unless of course you are planning to marry someone else).

And unless the "residual" marriage, so to speak, actually creates a material obstacle or perhaps a sense of obligation to be involved in his care, I'd have thought it might be more peaceful and gentle for you and him just to wait... until... you know. Shouldn't be very long.

Do you and he have any children in common, if you don't mind my asking?

You are not responsible for him, or anyone other than yourself if that matters.
You say you feel "guilty". Who is making you feel that way? Yourself or others?
Guilt is an "emotion" that we put upon ourselves. We can have regrets. But I do not think guilt should be added to all the rest of the emotional turmoil we carry.
I just looked it up.
Guilt: It is an emotional experience that occurs when a person believes accurately or not that they have compromised their own standards of conduct or have violated universal moral standards and bear significant responsibility for that violation.
That is quite a load to bear.
For you to have separated at 75 years of age there had to have been a good reason. Most people at 75 would "suck it up" and continue to live with the person they are married to and live as if they were single.
Live the life you want to live.
File for the divorce that you wanted.
There is a quote that I like. "life is what happens when you are making plans."
You are not responsible for his cancer, you are not responsible for his care or his treatment.

Boots,

I posted earlier but let me add this.

You were probably living together separately before you moved out. I know a few couples like that. They are no longer romantically involved with each other. They remain friends at best.

I know some like you that are living apart and from time to time continue to share events with their children, very harmoniously too!

Finally, I know some that threatened their ex husband that if he brought his second wife, she wouldn’t attend their daughter’s wedding! How awful!!!

Just be at peace. No man or anyone else is worth loosing your sanity over.

Speak to a therapist. I promise you that they will help you sort through your emotions.